I often dip in and out of this forum especially over the last few years, but right now I feel I need to get this out and this was the perfect thread to do it, I am the "wife" in this however I have a slightly different story but hope I can help in some way and also start the healing process because right now my heart is shattered.
My partner and I got together roughly 3 years ago, it was a quick fast romance and I fell head over heals for this man, he was everything I ever wanted but never got, he showed me that he was going to give me a beautiful life and wanted to have kids and get married one day.
We fell pregnant 6 months in to our relationship and bought a house so that our home would be ready for the new arrival, we were both excited and both wanted the baby and then everything changed. I found pills when we moved and questioned him about them and that's when he told me he had depression but he wasn't taking the medication.
My partner started to show signs of withdrawal and would spend hours and hours shutting himself away playing games on his computer whilst I was left to paint the house, organize and build furniture, get the babys room ready and nursery furniture built, whilst managing the house and cooking, cleaning as he did nothing, all whilst working a full time job and being heavily pregnant, he started to game all night and then would sleep all day, he would never come to bed and wouldn't come near me, , I tried to help as best I could and I tried to be supportive to his needs but things just got worse. I had lost hope and was just trying to get through my first pregnancy, I sought help from a specialist midwife and talking therapy to try and help me process my feelings, I was alone, pregnant, helpless and my mobility was slowly diminishing the further my pregnancy was progressing - it was frustrating as I've always been an independent person, I had no bond with my baby and at times I wished I was never pregnant because he promised me he would be there for me and he would support me and I would never have to do it alone - but that wasnt the case
I tried to talk to him to which he just told me to go away, fuck off, not now so i had no choice but to walk away and close the door - the realization that he had checked out of this situation and was living in a fantasy world was too much for me to bear, it broke my heart. I had to accept that this is the way it was going to be and this was my life now which was hard on my mental health but I pulled myself together for my baby.
He came to me one day stating that he wanted to end his life, he didn't want to live anymore and I offered him as much support and help as I could, I made appointments for him (he asked me to) he went he got more medication - he took said medication for 2 weeks and took himself off, he was prescribed more and took those for 2 weeks and then took himself off, we got to a point where he'd gone through 4 or 5 different sets of medication and he just gave up (i know medication is not for everyone and i never wanted to push him that way - I wanted to try to get to the bottom of it and get him some real help as i also believe he has BPD )
Things went back to the way they were, he would get up, go to work and pretend to be this happy go lucky guy - put on a show and then when he got home the mask would come off and he was back to the shell and I was helpless to do anything about it.
Eventually the time came for the baby to arrive and on the day she was born he was with me at the hospital head in his nintendo DS until i was rushed for an emergency c section - my little girl was born and I instantly fell in love with her and the bond came straight away and i knew no matter how he treated me - me and my little girl would be ok. He was present for the first week after we got home but he went back to helping very little to not at all and then eventually secluded himself back in the room with his computer and left me to navigate keep a small human alive and myself whilst trying to heal from major surgery, I didn't sleep for 4 days as she was awake every hour - I was truly alone
I gave him 6 weeks of my maternity and in total he had 8 weeks paternity leave to which he spent sleeping all day and gaming all night when he finally went back to work I thought things would change - he would have a routine to stick to (things always got bad when he had no routine) and he seemed to be getting a little better in himself - the baby was around 5 months old and things went bad again we had arguments about the fact that there was no dinner made for him when he got home - there was no lunch made for him and he would make it for me if he was staying at home - I started to resent him, i resented him for his utter lack of help, support and his expectations - its hard, its so hard to try to be a mother to a small baby, heal and try to navigate this new life you have, you cant go anywhere easily, your friends are off out as normal living their lives and you are stuck in doors (first uk lockdown happened) loosing yourself to motherhood, your body has changed, you no longer have a flat stomach its bulbous and wobbly, you've gained so much weight, you hate the way you look, you dont get time to take a shower or just sit in peace for 5 mins, everytime you put your baby down they wake up, you are breastfeeding so you are the sole source of nourishment for your baby, you havent got time to feed yourself even though you are always so hungry so you live on crap food and snacks - until the food runs out, you haven't had a decent nights sleep since before she was born, you are exhausted, you are worn out and you are emotionally broken but you love this little person more than life and more than you thought you ever could, you make a decision that this is not the life you want her to have and this is not the life she was promised or deserves, at that point my partner stopped going to work, he stopped taking care of himself, not showering, not eating, he slept all day and gamed online in his fantasy world all night, after trying to get through to him and being told to fuck off multiple times we left, i packed as much of our life into my little 3 door car and the baby and left - we left for 4 months and in that time he didnt ask about our child, he rarely contacted me - he had just given up - his angry outbursts got worse, he punched a brick wall numerous times because he splashed himself with water, he bent oven trays throwing them on the floor with force.
He had a moment of clarity when i brought our daughter to see him and did say he wanted us home, I still loved this man deeply and i still believed that he could come out of this, with help and support but things needed to change, we agreed to go to counselling as a couple and he agreed that he would try to get some help and he seemed like he genuinely wanted to get help, we moved home and after a few days I advised i had looked into counselling and was going to book an appointment to which he stated "fuck that" he did however go to the Dr's and he did get medication which steadied his mood for a week or two, his work were also trying to help as best they could with supporting him and offering him occupation support with MH sessions, he attended a few but would miss them more often than not.
I guess my point on the above is is that he didn't help me, he kept telling me I was depressed, gaslighting me, I got all the help available to me and I knew my low mood, always crying and resenting him was due to how he was making me feel, I was vulnerable, I was alone, my life had changed in a way that his hadn't and he like to remind me of that by telling me he was free to do what he wanted when he wanted and I was jealous - he in no way supported me in that, he couldn't ever understand what it was like to be a mother, to be so selfless and do everything for this child, to put her needs above all, to sacrifice my needs daily because I had no other choice, when a mother hears her her baby cry its like a drilling in your brain and you cant stand it, you have to comfort them, A new mum barely sleeps and when she does its very light, every little noise wakes her and even when the baby is asleep sometimes she cant.
PND is very real and it can happen straight after birth or it can happen a while after and last a long time but it is similar to any other depression - you don't just come out of it but I was lucky that I sought help and wasn't diagnosed with it, I knew in my heart if I wasn't in this situation and when he wasn't around I felt calm and at peace.
To wrap this TLDR post up as there is much much more to this situation but....after months and months or ups and down - more often than not his mood would change daily - and after him introducing steroids' and hormone injections into his body and working away a week on and week off, hes decided that I am the root of all his issues, he is harboring a great hatred for me but pretends in formal communications that that is not the case, I have done nothing but look after our daughter, our house, maintaining it, washing his clothes, cooking, cleaning and just generally trying to get him to treat me better whilst also working an almost full time job. He has decided that he "doesnt need this shit", doesnt want a family and doesn't want to be with me anymore, deep down I know that this is for the best, I have left him multiple times but each time I had hope that we would work it out because even though he kept on destroying me I still loved him, in the end the emotional abuse is just too much. So im sat here with my heart in pieces not knowing how im going to get through this but knowing i have to for my little girl and trying to get him to leave the property but he just wont go, I dont know if its his last bit of control but hes made it clear he wants nothing to do with me, i get ignored, pretending like i dont exist but will be over the top with our daughter, spoken to like shit, or told he doesnt want me and then asks if i want to go for food the next day..... hes always on his phone, he doesnt come home until late at night when hes due to be back from work, he stopped calling and texting...I know there is a reason and i know deep down its someone else but its funny how two weeks prior he was thanking me for being patient with him and for always being there and for everything i did for our family, he was in love with me again and couldn't wait to come home and spend time with me.
what I did to deserve this I do not know and why I feel like I'm the one that losing out - again I don't know, I deeply loved this man and i would of and did do anything for him, hes taken continual advantage of my kindness and saddled me with the responsibility of two people and even though i feel like I'm losing out i know after i stop crying and my heart starts to mend that he just couldn't be the person he pretended to show me he could be in the beginning - his MH issues are wining