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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon May 18, 2020 3:11 pm


Hi. How are things? I’m really struggling, mentally I’m all the over the place and my shoulder is getting worse. That is then interfering with my sleep which makes me feel worse in general.

Work – it hasn’t always been such a problem but the anxiety started about 8 years ago and work aggravates it massively. I never feel good enough, terrified that I’ll make a mistake and let others down. My boss tries her best to reassure me and is happy to check my work before it goes anywhere else. I have huge amounts of guilt about what a waste of her time I am. So all of that was before lockdown. Lockdown has in effect taken my job role away from me and I feel so vulnerable. Its looking highly unlikely that my role will ever return and that terrifies me beyond words.

It interests me that you see strength and resilience in pushing through, I’ve never seen it like that before. To me, it feels like I have no choice. The only option is to go off on long term sick and I would end up on half pay pretty soon which I can’t afford. I feel incredibly trapped.

I’ve spoken to my care co – not the most useful of conversations. He did say he would chase the psychologist – he seemed surprised she hadn’t been in touch. He will also speak to the psych about increasing the trazadone. I’m already on quetiapine and buspirone so not sure what else he could do. We were talking about how my bad bits outweigh my good bits so it means if I make a mistake its not forgivable because I don’t have enough good to outweigh it. Might sound stupid but that’s how I feel. Anyway, I said that when I made the complaint I was concerned that my old DBT therapist would see it as she now manages the CMHT team and I really feel like I’ve let her down for not being able to use the DBT stuff to help and manage myself. He didn’t react to that – he just changed the subject. So now I’ve taken it that I was right with my concerns and that she is mad with me. I’m so gutted. She was and still is really important to me and I’ve let her down.

Good luck for tomorrow. We really are our worst enemies aren’t we? I mean, we wouldn’t dream of talking to others the way we do ourselves. We judge ourselves so harshly and assume we know what everyone else is thinking. My boss tries to remind me that we all have so much of our own stuff going on in our heads that there isn’t much room for thinking about someone else in a negative way.

You’ll be great and I’m sure they’ll love you. You are an intelligent and articulate woman, they’ll respect that.

Anxiety is the work of the devil, it really is.

Its so admirable that you want to help others to not feel how you do about yourself. If only we could absorb the CBT stuff better and permanently instead of having to keep revisit it.

You really do owe it to yourself to sort out the other sessions. Three years is a long time to work hard at something so important to you and your life – you shouldn’t have to fight for it but we all know what the system is like – bloody crap!

Your man sounds like a real diamond – obviously sees beyond physical intimacy – not like some men.

Your Mum really needs to think before she speaks – not much of a filter really. I wonder if she thinks about her hurtful comments afterwards and regrets it? My partner can be very like that and I seriously wonder if she thinks at all before speaking at times. She can be quite cruel and I can count on one hand how many times she has apologised over the 26 years we’ve been together.

Do you miss actually going to church? I can imagine its really hard for those who go regularly to lose that.

So remember, you are an amazing strong woman (ignore your head!) and they will love you in your new job.

Much love and I’ll be thinking of you


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat May 23, 2020 4:13 pm

Hi M! :D

Ohhh, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. *Big Hugs*

How has your week been?
Is your shoulder any better?
Has your sleeping improved?

You don't have to disclose the cause unless you want to, but perhaps think about what caused the anxiety. Address the root of the issue. In jobs previous to eight years ago, did you experience work-based anxiety and/or general anxiety? Try to remember what triggers it, what makes it worse and what's made it better.

How would you feel about changing your job?

I have a suggestion. Could you, at the end of each day, list instances that have shown a positive characteristic in yourself, e.g. spending time with your partner - loving, funny, good company; getting through a working day - diligent, resilient, motivated; gardening/housework - creative, appreciative, helpful, hardworking; smiling at a stranger on one of your walks - friendly; writing a message to me - thoughtful, emphatic, kind. Start by doing one a day and then two... three.... and before you know it you will surprise yourself with just how many GOOD qualities you have.

100% your DBT therapist is NOT mad at you or disappointed with you! Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would treat yourself in this situation. Would you be mad? NO. Disappointed? NO. Would you care, be concerned and want to help? YES, YES and.... (you got it!) YES! ;) :D

I hope you hear from your psychologist and about the trazadone soon.

My mum is seeming to notice more that she speaks out rudely before she thinks. Slow progress. :roll:

I don't miss going to church that much. I guess I miss feeling good in my faith but that was something a felt a long time before lockdown. That said, it will be nice to be able to attend services and see others from the church.

So the job was really good!! :D I worked with some really nice people and met some lovely old dears along the way! Very hard, hot and physical work. So I'll have two shifts a week as a domestic. My induction is complete so on Tuesday I'm cleaning a huge section all day alone! Nervous but reassured by the two other cleaners on shift. :) What I'm nervous about is getting lost.... the place is like a maze! :lol:

Also this coming Wednesday I have my kitchen induction and will pick up some shifts there, too. The kitchen staff are said to be a right laugh! I've seen them dancing and singing in the kitchen and the chef I met is really cool and happy! :D

There's also talk that I can try in the laundry and that would mean I'd be working with a really lovely lady on that section.

Em - 1 Anxiety - 0

I hope that you are feeling brighter and that you have a good weekend.

Love Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed May 27, 2020 2:14 pm

Hi Em

How was your weekend? I didn't do much which was kind of the plan anyway. On Monday I saw my niece and nephew from a distance as well as my parents so that was lovely. Did some reading and watching TV. I'm now back at work and feel utterly useless and therefore worthless.

My sleep is still poor but I took a full zopiclone last night as I needed to sleep because of work today and it did help. My shoulder is still very painful but I actually had an x-ray yesterday and saw real people - very odd. I had to wear a face mask and they took my temperature before letting me in. I didn't dee another patient whilst I was there. I have a telephone appointment in June to discuss it further. Pilates has always been something that helps me with my mental health but the shoulder limits what I can do so I end up feeling very frustrated with myself. I do what I can but it never feels enough.

I'm so glad work went so well - great news. They sound like a really nice bunch of people which helps massively with any job. All sounds really promising :D

I do try to make notes (not always physical but in my head) of the things that have gone well and that I have done well too. I can see them and note them but they're not enough to change my opinion of myself or how I'm contributing to anything. I feel so isolated and irrelevant.

I've not heard back about the trazadone but my care co is ringing me next Monday so I'll see what is happening then.

I keep thinking about self harming. My care co made a flippant comment about how I'd left that behind me and how I know its not useful. He really annoyed me with that and I almost feel a bit defiant like 'don't tell me...……..'. I haven't done it in ages and I would struggle to find somewhere on my body that my partner wouldn't see and if she did see it, well it wouldn't be good lets just say that.

I feel very trapped. I'm convinced (based on facts) that my job is going to disappear and even if I have one, I'll be working from home on a more permanent basis. I can't do that, its destroying me.

Sorry, completely gone on about myself :(

Hope today's work has gone OK, I'm sure you'll be great on your own and hope the shift in the kitchen goes equally as well.

Much love and hugs

M x

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Jun 03, 2020 6:25 pm


How are you doing? :)
How's the shoulder? Has the Pilates become a little easier? Just do what you can, if you want to.
Any news on the meds?

I'm sure your care co was not being flippant. Perhaps he was reassuring you by reminding you of how far you've come away from turning to those unhelpful coping mechanisms. If he was being flippant, then stuff him. You know your own truth.

No word from my care co the whole time. :roll: I think maybe I've been discharged? :| :lol:

Any updates on your work situation?

No need to apologise. We're here to listen and support eachother. How are you feeling?

I'm really enjoying the job!! :D They don't need me in the kitchen (it's nice to finally not have a food-based job!) and I was asked if I'd like to try care shifts. I said I'd give it a go and have applied for a 23-hour permanent contract that will allow me to continue relief work in cleaning and (at a later date) laundry and kitchen. I'm knackered so having a lazy movie day today. Can't be arsed, but not necessarily in a bad way if that makes sense.

I also have been accepted on an affordable, local counselling course. After two years, I will be a qualified counsellor and once I've attained a further 350 hours of delivering supervised therapy sessions (about 1-2 years) I will be accredited. As a qualified, I could practice privately and volunteer. Once accredited, I could work for the NHS as well as privately.

Was sent a golden rose plant from my lockdown love interest (the fella I met pre-lockdown) which was beautiful. I can't believe it's been three months since we had our second in-person date. I really like him but (I feel awful saying this) feel like I'm fed up of a virtual relationship. I just want us to meet in person now and for things to feel more normal. To be honest, I feel like I need some space but then I don't want to hurt his feelings because he's bored at home and has sent me so many lovely gifts. I'd like to do something with him virtually, say a film or play games, like once a week, and then chat on the phone maybe once or twice a week. Rather than calling for hours every day and texting in between. It's too much. :lol:

There's a part of me that for years has wondered if I'm lesbian. I feel physically attracted to some women but it's something I've not (nor will be able to because of the whole Catholic thing) explore. Not that I've met anyone to, erm, explore such feelings with anyways. I've only told one person this (well, now two - including you. ;) ) This is why I had assumed that I was just asexual.

My mother's latest outburst saw me sticking up for myself, telling her exactly the impact that her negative comments have on me. She saw she was in the wrong and apologised. Massive progress.

I hope you are feeling better this week. Stay strong.

Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Jun 05, 2020 11:42 am


How are you? How is work? It all sounds very positive, I’m really pleased for you.

I’m still struggling and I can’t see what could change that would change that. I have an appointment (telephone) next week with the orthopaedic team about my shoulder. I’m hoping they’ll have the xray from last week so I could find out if it’s the same thing I had back in 2011. If it shows nothing, then it might be a CT scan that I need. Its driving me mad as it affects my sleep and any activity I want to do.

I’m still doing pilates and I’m getting more used to what I can and can’t do. I still find it very frustrating as the stuff I want to do all includes using my arm for something but I guess I just have to accept it for now.

I can’t believe you’ve not heard from your care co. Given that everyone is affected by Covid is some respect you’d think they would make more effort to check on people. Are you getting any support?

Looks like I’m working from home for the foreseeable future but I still don’t know what I’ll be doing. I hate the uncertainty of it all.

Psych said its too early to increase the dose (its been 3 months) plus he is leaving. Care co said he would try to get me an appointment with the new psych end of June. I hate changing psychs because they all have a different view on what we should be on so there is no consistency.

You can’t beat a lazy day when you’ve been busy. To me, its self-care and something we need to recharge physically and mentally.

Its brilliant news about the counselling course – I admire you for doing that. Its something I’ve considered but I’m too scared of not being good enough and failing people. You have tremendous insight and you’ll be great at it.

Your fella is definitely the romantic type which is lovely, I’d be getting fed up of a virtual relationship too and it does sound intense. I totally understand the need for space and I wouldn’t know how to broach it either. Its lovely that he wants to speak to you so much and even better that your relationship can maintain that. Maybe suggest a games night and see if that change in itself then opens up the opportunity to suggest more changes?

It’s a shame that religion gets in the way of people exploring different relationships. It’s a really tricky one isn’t it? If we follow the argument that we are born with our sexuality, then doesn’t that mean that God created us that way? I really know and please don’t think I’m having a go at religion, it just fascinates me. I tried to not be gay as a teenager as it just wasn’t as accepted back then. I had the odd boyfriend to try to fit in but I was never comfortable and could never let it progress to anything past kissing. That really felt wrong. I only really accepted myself in my early 20s but since being with my partner, it isn’t something I admit to as she insists that our relationship is kept secret. I always hoped that I would be openly gay at some point and that hasn’t happened. I have some friends who know but I’m still partly in the closet.

I think sexuality and attraction are never black and white. I now more believe that we are attracted to the person, their personality and their morals, what sex they are isn’t as relevant.

Well done on sticking up for yourself with your Mum, great progress and a good outcome as well. She will hopefully start to be more thoughtful and considerate.

Any plans for the weekend? I don’t think I have yet. Weather isn’t good so maybe watching TV and sorting out the kitchen cupboards – exciting or what??

Hope you're OK and have a lovely weekend

Much love and hugs

M x

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat Jun 06, 2020 12:01 pm

Hey M! :)

I'm not bad thanks. I had two really crappy days. I was on a high with work and the counselling course and golden roses.... then caught the BBC news which downright shocked and appalled me. The contradictory advice also boggled my brain and I felt dread and sadness about the prospective suffering and loss that carelessly and selfishly awaits us. :cry: :x :shock: (sorry, rant.)

Fella started talking about his weight loss to me (with which he is delighted). He showed me how loose his trousers have become. Now, for a recovered anorexic, this is very difficult information to process. It conjures up memories of the thrill I once felt as my own clothes became looser and looser.... I feel shame about my weight and it triggers that negative core belief to awaken: "I'm not good enough". A detrimental thought that leads to a stream of self-abashing statements and saps my mood. I surprised myself by crying about all of this. :cry:

I'd be a downright liar if I said I didn't hear the faint whisper of an old friend nudging me to lose some weight. But I'm healthy and not at risk of relapse.

I spoke to him very honestly about this. He was very supportive, understanding and respectful.
He said he will be more sensitive and will not mention his weight loss or similar triggers to me again. He also offered to help support me to lessen the impact of such thoughts.

We talked very openly and honestly with each other about the whole virtual thing.
Bottom line, (and this isn't necessarily a bad thing; also please don't think I'm being arrogant! :shock: ), he's a lot more into me than I am him. :roll: I do like him, though. ;) Things feel a lot more relaxed now everything was out in the open. Best way is to deal with something front-on.

Totally agree with you that sexuality and attraction are never black or white. I'm pleased that you've been able to accept your true sexuality for yourself - and that you have some friends you can share this with - but I'm saddened that you still feel partly in the closet.

Do your parents and/or family know?
Have you spoke to your partner about this and asked why she wants to keep it private?

Work is going well thanks. I was approached by the deputy manager yesterday who asked if I was interested in a permanent 23-hour care contract. My supervisor also asked me if I would be interested in trying care shifts a few days previous to this. I said I'm open to trying it. :)
That would be any two days a week for two 11.5 hour shifts. I could still do domestic relief shifts alongside.

I'm not apprehensive about the work. It's more the worry of who I'll be working with. Most seem lovely, but you know what women can be like in some workplaces.... :roll: I don't have space in my brain for bitchy cattiness crap. :lol: But that's very "what-if?" thinking. I'll try it first and then decide.

Plus working will make things easier between me and the guy. If I'm working twelve hour days plus day shifts then I won't be as available. I know that sounds a tad harsh but things can then feel more balanced without me needing to be direct and say I need more space. ;)

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear about your shoulder. I do hope it improves in the very near future.

Perhaps you will click really well with the new psych. It could be a good change! :)

I'm sorry to hear that work is tough. I think you are doing brilliantly. Try to stay positive that you have job security. *hugs*

I'm not too concerned about the care co. I mean, what's bothered me is not that she hasn't contacted me because I'm struggling, but just the principal of it. I've been under the CMHT for two and a half years and it just seems weird she hasn't checked in with a patient (regardless of it personally being me) during this unprecedented situation even just once in three months.
I visited a MIND centre outside my locality about two years ago just once. I gave them my details but, because of the locality, with hindsight decided not to use the service ever since. Anyways, at the beginning of lockdown, someone from that Mind centre who I hadn't even met contacted me to check in on how I was doing!! I couldn't believe it! She said they were contacting all of their service users and offered to check in with me weekly. I politely declined as I am doing well, but I was markedly touched by the thoughtfulness of this charity!! I just felt sad about the prospect of patients who (not like me) are not coping and haven't been given the support they require and deserve. A vulnerable mind - rightly so - can interpret apparent disinterest in a way that is detrimental for their mental health. Support I got from the eating disorder service was a discharge letter and an offer of completing therapy after this crisis. Why they didn't just keep me on their system rather than formally discharge me I don't know.... To deter me from contacting them in the future, no doubt. (and no, unfortunately, I'm not being cynical).

Gosh! Bit of a rant from me today! :lol: When I last spoke to the eating disorders service, I was able to apologise for being VERY unpleasant to an insensitive member of staff who had been completely out of her depth with me when I was at crisis. I was seriously ill in hospital and, marred by anorexic hatred, made the poor woman cry. :lol: She was horrible though. But still, it felt good - now I'm healthy - to rectify the situation with her.

Thanks for your nice comments re the counselling course. It's the sort of stuff I've ranted about above that makes me want to ensure that I would never be this way. I do have that empathy and insight into what it feels like to be overlooked and dismissed. I would never want to be the cause of someone feeling that way.

Just went for a cold, blowy walk this morning. Then I'm painting some flower pots as my fella is soon re-potting his cactus plants. Otherwise listening to Lady Gaga's new album and doing some online learning for work. Fun! :roll: :lol: Working tomorrow though.

I hope you have a good weekend and a more positive week ahead.

Much love,

Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Jun 09, 2020 12:52 pm


I’m so sorry that you had a few bad days. I can honestly say that I have never been as affected by the news as I have recently. I’ve stopped watching it. So I do understand how badly it affects us. I have no clue where we’re at with the virus – like you said, they just contradict themselves all the time. Add to that the fact that so many are ignoring the rules anyway – I have no words.

I’m sorry that your Fella upset you, by accident of course. Its great though that you were able to talk to him about it and that he was so understanding and supportive. You never cease to amaze me how much insight and understanding you have into your own head – you really are going to be an amazing counsellor.

You are incredibly strong to hear that whisper of anorexia but to know that you’re in a different place – truly impressive.

You are very good at tackling issues with him – it shows that the balance between you both is just right. I’m jealous of that (in a nice way of course)

My parents and sister know about my sexuality. My mum asked me when I was 230 (on my birthday!) and I told my sister a couple of years later when I thought she was old enough to know. They have always been very supportive. My sister thinks nothing of it and I know if my niece turned out to be gay, my sister would have no issues with that at all. To be honest. I’ve never had someone react badly to me telling them. I think its because at high school I was bullied for 5 years and I tried to hide the fact that I was gay. I hated knowing it and wanted to be wrong about it. I figured it would be one more reason to be bullied. When I was 20 I met someone through a lesbian friendship club (this was way before the internet). I stupidly and naively agreed to meet her and stay at hers. She was in London and I’m in the north of the UK so it was a big deal. Luckily I had a really good friend at university in Luton so I arranged to stay one night with the woman and then stay with my friend. It went horribly wrong and I actually thought I was going to die. It put me off looking for another relationship for a really long time.

My partner won’t acknowledge me as her partner because she doesn’t identify as gay or bisexual and I think is embarrassed about the whole thing. That’s how I see it anyway. Its not worth broaching it with her, she makes her feelings on the subject very clear.

I’m so glad work is going so well. It sounds like they really like you and trust you. I would be just like you, worrying about who you would be working with rather than the work itself. That part of being employed totally freaks me out.
But all of that worry is us predicting the future and assuming the worse. Everyone you have met so far is lovely so try to focus on that for now – I know its hard and I’m great at making the suggestions but not doing them myself!

It is definitely the principle of the care co not contacting you given what is happening in the world and it’s a well-known fact that everyone is struggling but more so people with underlying mental health issues. I’m very impressed with MIND, that must take a lot of resources.

I’m at a loss to understand why the eating disorder service discharged you – doesn’t make any sense at all. I take things like that very personally which I know might sound barmy but that’s the fact of it.

I remember you doing the plant pots a while ago – I’m not at all creative and I do envy people who are. I have the best intentions but things never turn out how they look in my head!!

I had a horrible weekend with my partner. She was in a bad mood and I copped for it. She was nasty and I end up treading on eggshells. Yesterday morning, she asked me what was wrong and I stupidly thought she was genuinely interested. I told her that I hate work and it freaks me out that I don’t know what the future holds. She said be grateful I have a job and left the room. Today a friend of ours messaged to say she was struggling with work and my partner was so supportive and sent her some flowers. I am furious and so hurt. :cry: :evil:

Hope work is still going well and the people continue to be lovely.

Big hugs and much love


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat Jun 13, 2020 12:34 pm

Hello! :D

How are you? How is your shoulder? I hope you are feeling stronger both mentally and physically.

If the news is affecting your mental health, you've made a good decision to stop watching it.

Gosh, you've been through an awful lot! I emphasise the word "through". You really are strong and brave to have come through that frightening experience and the turmoil of bullying.

I'm relieved to hear that you are in some ways able to be open about your sexuality and that you have support from your mum, sister and friends. I'm sorry your partner doesn't accept it, but do know that this says more about her than it does you. Must be incredibly difficult for you, but it's not a reflection on you.

Ever since his mention of weight loss, I've lost interest. He was going to overstep the rules and visit me but I told him not to out of principal and not wanting to be hypocritical or put others at risk. I suggested that we ease things with us, stay as friends (poor choice of words, I immediately discovered :roll: ) and meet up again when the restrictions lift (I'm in Wales so at the very least that's mid-July). Well he was crying to me on video call and ever since it felt a bit desperate and clingy and intense. A massive turn off. I always seem to attract this type of man, who's quickly in for the long haul. :roll: I thought this guy was different.

It's like something has snapped in me mentally. Like, "nope! I don't want to be with anyone who's on about losing weight thank you very much! I don't need that crap in my life. Goodbye!" Even though he's not going on about it, the sheer knowledge that he has lost weight is in my head and I find myself feeling self conscious when I'm on video call with him.

Years back, a close friend had weight issues and her comments triggered a serious relapse that required medical intervention. Yes, I'm oversensitive about this but is there any wonder having had anorexia from the age of nine? It's a switch ("nope, not interested, goodbye) that I can't seem to switch off. Does that make sense?

I mean, I can't escape diet culture. But I can detach myself from it, e.g. if at work. But if it's someone I'm close to like family I'm living with, a friend I see often or a partner then it's more difficult to escape and thus feels more constant. Even if the person is not in any way being insensitive, I still feel anxious and uncomfortable. I don't act on these thoughts and feelings but if I can separate myself more permanently or entirely from the triggering individual then it's better for mental health.

Plus his consequential neediness is like "ugh, leave me alone".

Forgive me for speaking out of turn but do you see your future as a positive one shared with your partner? Because (and with respect) she seems, in several ways, to have an unhelpful impact on you.

I mean well in suggesting this and in no way want to hurt or upset you, or imply any criticism toward your partner, yourself and/or your relationship. I know this is none of my business so please do tell me and forgive me for any unwanted comments.

I am only concerned for your health and happiness.

I'm enjoying work. I had a shadow shift in the laundry last week and have applied for a permanent care role. I hope eventually for it to lead to full time.

I hope you are keeping safe and well.


Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Jun 15, 2020 3:37 pm


I’m sorry to hear about your fella but I think it’s the best thing for you and your health. Like you said last time, he has always been more into you than the other way round and where I know most relationships have a slight imbalance, I think yours was a bit more pronounced. The weight thing is definitely a game changer. It was obviously something he was proud of and that’s all well and good for him but had the potential to be disastrous to you and you have to protect yourself, full stop.

The ‘switch’ makes perfect sense. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you and it shows how clever our brains can be (amid all the stuff it struggles with). Some people have moral switches, I know I do, this is even more important than that.

You can’t maintain a relationship with someone who potentially has you on your guard 24/7. That wouldn’t be right or fair.
(Says me who is in that kind of relationship, but I know it’s not right!)

You need someone who is a bit more chilled than him, someone who can just go with the flow and take things steady. It was lovely that he wanted to see you but rules are rules and they are there for our and everyone else’s safety.

Has your Mum said anything about him?

In answer to your question about the impact my partner has on me, it’s a no. I spoke to my care co this morning and I told him what she had done and the mind games she played over the weekend and he said its domestic abuse. That’s not the first time that’s been said and even though I know it, it’s hard to hear. She has never been physically abusive but mentally is another matter. Ironically, she has huge issues with my Dad as he is the reason my self-esteem has been in the gutter from being a kid – I was never good enough at school etc and always had to be better. Now he is very different but the damage was done. My partner doesn’t get that the way she is with me just keeps all of that going. Drives me mad. I feel so trapped with no ability or belief in myself to do anything about it. :evil:

Glad work is still going well. Sounds like a good fit for you at the moment. It will help with your confidence where work is concerned.

Shoulder is still a problem – some nights I don’t get much sleep because of it. I’m going to try to speak to my lovely GP tomorrow to double check what I’m being referred for scan wise and then I might try to see if I can access it earlier via a plan I pay in to through work. I’ll try anything.

One of the problems with it that I’ve had to go back on to some stronger pain killers to manage the pain but I have some addiction issues with them so I have to be very careful.

Will you be going shopping this week? Couldn’t believe the queues at Primark that were shown on the TV – the world has gone mental.

Hope you’re OK and are looking after yourself.

Much love and hugs


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Jun 19, 2020 2:25 pm


Thanks. This sounds harsh of me, but sometimes he oversteps the line between affectionate and annoying. :roll:
I did feel bad about my suggestion to ease things between us though - albeit until the restrictions are lifted - as I then realised just how much lockdown has affected him. I felt I ought to have been there more for him, but being "everything" to him and the prospect of him "losing" me being something that reduces him to tears and that would "destroy" him felt a bit intense.
Fortunately, I'm due to start full time work in the next 1-2 weeks which will naturally "ease" the amount of time we virtually spend together.

He's furloughed until the end of July and thinks he'll start working full time from August. This may initially be from home, but at least he'll have something other than me to fill his days.

We should be able to meet in two weeks' time in accordance with the regulations. So, rather than breaking things off, I think we should meet up in person and see how things go over the next few months when life is a bit more normalised and balanced with us both being busy working full time and meeting up in person like once a week rather than virtually daily.

Massively anxious about meeting him though. Stupid faint residual anorexia whisper convincing me I'll look unattractive, he'll think less of me, he'll reject me and I'll be depressed. The fear is feeling bad. Only way out of that anxiety is through it, i.e. meeting up with him.
I hate anxiety. :roll:

Think I forever will feel insecure about my weight. But I'm not acting on it.
I did (quite easily, thanks to the engrained anorexic radar) find the well-hidden weighing scales in the attic the other day and was relieved by the number. I was happy it had lowered slightly since last time, even though it was most likely merely a natural fluctuation. I was weighing bags of unopened flour and sugar just to make sure the scales were working properly. :roll:

He's not once since mentioned anything about his weight or eating. He only ever says complimentary things about me. So, whilst I feel triggered, I think I would feel triggered no matter who I was with or if I wasn't with anyone. This issue lies with me. It's about how I respond to it that matters. He's incredibly supportive, understanding and caring.

I never thought I would find myself having to reign myself in, but he's very sensitive.

My mum seemed disappointed when she sensed a change between us.

I don't want to press you with regards to your relationship so please forgive me if I speak out of turn. I speak only out of genuine care and concern for your general sense of well-being.
A damaging, restrictive and unsupportive relationship in which you regard its' future as negative.
The repeated use of the concerning term "domestic abuse" from observation and self-admittance.
Feeling trapped in a perpetual cycle of low self-esteem and inability. No prospect of your partner changing. Abuse is abuse - sexual, physical, emotional, mental, neglect.

There is always a way out. Please reach out to those wanting and able to help you. - Domestic abuse helplines (Perhaps call one in a quiet area when you are out on a walk alone. Some offer a text/email service if you were at home.), your mum, your sister, any trustworthy family or friend, your lovely GP, your care coordinator. My late Nan was in an abusive marriage for 50 years before she finally walked away for good. Aged 69, she made a new life for herself. It was never easy for her but the next eleven years brought her freedom, friendship, community, faith, peace, safety, independence, opportunity and fun.

I've been offered a care position. My induction is in ten days and then I'll start the first week of July. Two twelve hour shifts a week on the nursing units. Very nervous as to be expected. I've since trained in the laundry so can continue to work weekly shifts alongside care both cleaning and in laundry.

How is your shoulder? Any news on the scan?

I'm yet to hit the shops. 3am queues - absolutely bonkers! :lol: I did treat myself to some new clothes and a cool pair of converse this week via online shopping having received my first month's pay, though. Have you braved the shopping centres yet?

I'm alright. A bit flat today. The prospect of having to meet the guy in two weeks and feeling insecure plus the crap weather. I shouldn't complain, I know. I'll be alright tomorrow when I'm back in work.

Oh, plus my care co contacted me yesterday. Took me by surprise. Basically, they'll only discharge me when I eventually finish the last four relapse prevention sessions. She was most annoyed at the eating disorders team discharging all three of the joint patients from the cmht. She's emailing them to send out the relapse prevention work to me as she had promised but forgot to enclose it with the discharge letter. :roll: She'll ring me in a month and then every two months thereafter.

Hope you’re okay and looking after yourself.

Love Em xx

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