I have a sexual problem that I developed in my teens during my time at an all-boys boarding school where sex had to be rushed for fear of being discovered. As a consequence, I have abstained from sex for most of my adult life because of the problem. That said, I have, in the last 30 years, had 3 lovers.
My first and second lovers both cheated on me (because they were unhappy with our sex life) which caused me a great deal of heartache. I met my third and last lover a couple of years ago. He said that, like me, he wanted a committed relationship and would do everything possible to make it work. We started as friends, and then after some time, it became apparent that we liked each other and both wanted more than friendship.
Before becoming lovers, as I didn't want to set myself up for yet another heartache (as a consequence of being cheated on again) I explained to him that I have a sexual problem that I developed whilst in my teens at boarding school. I also explained that a psycho-sexual therapist advised me that the problem can be easily resolved with the support of a supportive lover and that all websites relating to my problem all offer the same advice. He said it wasn’t a problem and that he would do whatever was necessary to fix my problem. As hard as it was to let my barriers down after the experience I had with my previous two lovers, let them down I did. I let him into my heart and fell head-over-heels in love with him. However, he ended our relationship 4 months ago, mainly, I suspect, because of my sexual problem. He assured me he never cheated on me, even though he was on Grindr shortly before he ended our relationship and rightly or wrongly, I believe him.
During our entire relationship, though I repeatedly asked him to do (at least once a week on top of our "regular" sex) what was necessary to resolve my sexual problem, he refused to try (as it was "too clinical") but then he cited our sex life as a reason for ending our relationship. This was after the four-month “time-out” he asked for (where he might have sex with other men) during which time he repeatedly built my hopes up of reconciliation only to crush me back down again. For example, he told me at one point that he would "move back home on our anniversary” only to change his mind a week later. He was, in my opinion, and in the opinions of several people I have told that are always brutally honest with me, unnecessarily cruel on numerous occasions.
I don’t mind admitting that even though it has been 4 months, I am still hurting, a lot. It's not just because our relationship has ended but also because he knows that had he not said he wanted a committed relationship and would do everything possible to make it work, including whatever was necessary to fix my sexual problem, I would have never entered into a relationship with him. The fact that he knew that but carried on regardless is the bit I am struggling with. I can’t help but feel like he lied to me, that he fooled me into having a relationship with him even though he knew full well that he wasn’t committed to making the relationship work. I cut all ties with him 2 months ago and am going through the process of grieving and healing but the problems I have are these.
As a consequence of having OCD, as hard as I try, I cannot stop ruminating about things like, for example, why he wasn't honest with me at the beginning, before I fell in love with him, why he repeatedly built my hopes up only to crush them back down again and, for some screwed up reason, about him having sex with other men. These are not things I choose to think about it as it kills me and I am taking medication to lessen the ruminating but it isn't working. The obsessive thoughts are preventing me from sleeping properly which in turn is messing my head up further still. This is affecting my mental health in a way that scares me as it results in me having dark thoughts that make me feel very, very uncomfortable.
On top of the issue of ruminating, given my sexual problem and how important a healthy / happy sex life is for a lot of people, myself included, I worry that I am never going to meet someone that is emotionally mature enough to truly commit to having a relationship with me which includes fixing the problem I have. Whilst I don't need a lover to be happy, like a lot of people, I am happiest when in a relationship so the thought of never having another relationship (or of being cheated on again) saddens me, a great deal.
Between the ruminating and the prospect of what lies ahead, my head is absolutely screwed and so I find myself carrying out research online on things that make me feel very, very uncomfortable. I speak very openly with my doctor and have, so far, tried Mirtazpine, Citalopram and Escitalopram but none of these stop the rumination or ideation. In fact, the Escitalopram exacerbated the ideation so my doctor took me off them.
I don't really know what help I am hoping for (that my doctor can't offer) but I would welcome any help anyone might be able to offer.