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Feeling hopeless

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padfoot
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:41 pm

Feeling hopeless

Postby padfoot » Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:59 pm

Hi everyone, I'm new to this website and just found it today after looking for mental health forums on google. I'm 22 and really struggling recently with feelings of hopelessness. I've had mental health issues since I was a pre teen and over the past year have been suspecting that I have BPD or something similar but no diagnosis of that yet, just anxiety and depression. Around a year ago I took an overdose and thought I could never feel worse than I did then, but recently I have surprised myself in how bad I have felt. About a month ago my boyfriend moved 4 hours away for a temporary job which he will be at for a few months, neither of us drive so we have to rely on trains to see each other and he is working almost every day anyway. I didn't realise how much I relied on the stability of our relationship to be happy until he left and now my mental health issues feel worse than ever. I feel like I cant be happy unless I'm with him and am constantly waiting for him to message or ring me , not to mention the panic attacks I get thinking about him meeting someone and cheating on me. I know it isn't healthy to be so reliant on a partner for your happiness but I don't know how to change it and I have been like this with every serious partner I have ever had, it's like my whole life revolves around them and if I'm with them and everything is fine I'm on top of the world but equally if I can't see them or we're having an argument or break up I feel like my world has collapsed. My mum is an alcoholic and has been since I was 11 so I assume my anxiety around abandonment and such comes from there but I still don't know how to get over this. I'm scared of how I would cope if me and my current boyfriend broke up as I suspect it would be the worst I'd ever felt due to the seriousness of our relationship compared to my other exes. I can't talk to anyone about this really as I find it embarrasing how much I rely on him for happiness and know my friends would just tell me it's not normal (Which it isn't to be fair) and I can't talk to him about it because I don't think it would be fair to him and would cause him to feel a lot of pressure I imagine. Sorry this is so long. If anyone has advice or anyone can relate I would love to hear from you.

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