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I think I was raped, but it was my own fault.

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living266
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Mar 15, 2021 10:56 pm

I think I was raped, but it was my own fault.

Postby living266 » Mon Mar 15, 2021 10:59 pm

I keep getting flashbacks, but it is all my fault.
Over a year ago I went through a phase of being high on cocaine. Im a 26 year old man with a young face.
I remember asking online, begging.. for a man to tie me up and keep me high whilst he raped me.
I asked for it, and it happened. So its my fault, isnt it?
Sometimes I get flashbacks almost enjoying it, but very rarely. Most of the time it makes me cry.
He inserted multiple large things into me.. for hours on end. It felt like he basically pulled my insides out and then in again.
Since then, not only do I get flashbacks, but I feel sick so oftenly. My stomache has never felt right since. My brain has never felt right since. I dont want to tell anybody because It was my own fault, I asked for it.
Ive been out of work but I keep getting job offers, but every morning im throwing up. Every time I try to take a number 1, it ends up being both. There is something wrong with me. I am so ashamed to tell the doctor. I dont want my family to know. I dont even want to think about it because it makes me cry.
I dont know why I was so stupid.
This was years ago. Its in the past, but it lingers on and I dont know what to do. I tried telling my dad today, and he didnt seem to care.. so i said that to him.. and it turned out that he did care, alot. So now he is very upset and nothing changed apart from me feeling more guilty. So whats the point of telling people?
But if talking about it doesnt help, then what will?
And is it still rape if I asked for it? Even if I made it clear I was high and that I wanted him to keep me high..

jameslawrence96
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2021 12:49 am

Re: I think I was raped, but it was my own fault.

Postby jameslawrence96 » Thu Mar 18, 2021 1:24 am

People asked for things but that doesnt mean that I want them. A kid asks for a toy but it doesnt mean they want it they probably just lose interest in it 3 weeks after you brought it. You should be proud for speaking out. It's not wrong to think negatively and have flashbacks of the situation that is traumatic and of course it will affect you. I got assaulted when I was young. What I learn is people take advantage of people when they are vulnerable and that's exactly what this person did. He took advantage when you was at a vulnerable point in your life and that was wrong. Dont fill ashamed for telling your parents, that's the first step to getting support . Dont fill ashamed to talk we are here for you and here to listen. I'm struggling at the moment but it's good to help other people cause I know what their feeling and I want them to know that they are not alone Be proud of yourself for talking and never forget that.

James

wheezy0409
Posts: 36
Joined: Sun Nov 15, 2020 3:37 am

Re: I think I was raped, but it was my own fault.

Postby wheezy0409 » Sun Mar 21, 2021 5:01 am

living266 wrote:I keep getting flashbacks, but it is all my fault.
Over a year ago I went through a phase of being high on cocaine. Im a 26 year old man with a young face.
I remember asking online, begging.. for a man to tie me up and keep me high whilst he raped me.
I asked for it, and it happened. So its my fault, isnt it?
Sometimes I get flashbacks almost enjoying it, but very rarely. Most of the time it makes me cry.
He inserted multiple large things into me.. for hours on end. It felt like he basically pulled my insides out and then in again.
Since then, not only do I get flashbacks, but I feel sick so oftenly. My stomache has never felt right since. My brain has never felt right since. I dont want to tell anybody because It was my own fault, I asked for it.
Ive been out of work but I keep getting job offers, but every morning im throwing up. Every time I try to take a number 1, it ends up being both. There is something wrong with me. I am so ashamed to tell the doctor. I dont want my family to know. I dont even want to think about it because it makes me cry.
I dont know why I was so stupid.
This was years ago. Its in the past, but it lingers on and I dont know what to do. I tried telling my dad today, and he didnt seem to care.. so i said that to him.. and it turned out that he did care, alot. So now he is very upset and nothing changed apart from me feeling more guilty. So whats the point of telling people?
But if talking about it doesnt help, then what will?
And is it still rape if I asked for it? Even if I made it clear I was high and that I wanted him to keep me high..


Hey hun as James said you aren’t to blame in the situation. I am very proud of you for speaking out about it and telling your parents cause it’s one of the hardest things to do.
I know you are ashamed to go see a doctor but I think it’s really important that you go see one as it sounds like you got really messed up physically and psychologically. Maybe some therapy or counselling could help you out and allow you get explore deeper into your feeling and what happened, which in turn will allow you to accept it. Even if you don’t want to go see counsellors there are multiple numbers you can call for support the major one being the Samaritans: 116123
Or if you would rather you can email them as well.
I know I said this previously but I am so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself for talking about it and not keeping it in forever. If you ever need person to talk to please add me on Snapchat: Lou040901


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