living266 wrote:I keep getting flashbacks, but it is all my fault.
Over a year ago I went through a phase of being high on cocaine. Im a 26 year old man with a young face.
I remember asking online, begging.. for a man to tie me up and keep me high whilst he raped me.
I asked for it, and it happened. So its my fault, isnt it?
Sometimes I get flashbacks almost enjoying it, but very rarely. Most of the time it makes me cry.
He inserted multiple large things into me.. for hours on end. It felt like he basically pulled my insides out and then in again.
Since then, not only do I get flashbacks, but I feel sick so oftenly. My stomache has never felt right since. My brain has never felt right since. I dont want to tell anybody because It was my own fault, I asked for it.
Ive been out of work but I keep getting job offers, but every morning im throwing up. Every time I try to take a number 1, it ends up being both. There is something wrong with me. I am so ashamed to tell the doctor. I dont want my family to know. I dont even want to think about it because it makes me cry.
I dont know why I was so stupid.
This was years ago. Its in the past, but it lingers on and I dont know what to do. I tried telling my dad today, and he didnt seem to care.. so i said that to him.. and it turned out that he did care, alot. So now he is very upset and nothing changed apart from me feeling more guilty. So whats the point of telling people?
But if talking about it doesnt help, then what will?
And is it still rape if I asked for it? Even if I made it clear I was high and that I wanted him to keep me high..
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