I am writing my feelings and thoughts on here, as i dont feel i have anyone else to talk to about it or who understands what i am going through, i just wanted to know if anyone else is experiencing anything similar? or has any advice?
I struggle with cptsd from childhood trauma I am triggered by noise at night and noisy neighbours, i have never ever been relaxed and settled in any houses i have ever lived in..ive always ended up moving to get away from noisy triggers such as neighbours banging around when im falling asleep or loud talking or aggressive sounding talking whilst trying to sleep..this patten is following me everywhere i go and i cant run away from it anymore..altough i want to move away for a fresh start somewhere new, but feel the only way to be happy, feel safe in my own home is to heal the childhood trauma within me. I have been healing myself for nearly 5 years now and its taking a toll on me, but the main mental health part which is still causing me pain is this, being triggered by such small things making it hard to even live in my own home wherever that is.
When i was a child my father would kick off all the time, break things, shout loudly, attack my mother, just constant drama, i just hid away in silence, i could never fall asleep peacefully with the noise, its like i had to stay awake until eveeyone was asleep, and stil do, im a very sensitive empathic person so i picked up and took on all of the energy what was going on around me, internalising the fear of not feeling safe, domestic violence, aggressive behaviour. so i started drinking alcohol from age 13 until 5 years ago (im now 33) and since then these symptoms have got worse as im no longer blocking it out im facing it in the eye.
i feel so weak and damaged by allowing these PTSD triggers to take over me, from things i have no control over, i just need peace in myself to be able to live with the living noise around me, i know there not out to hurt me but the fear is overbearing. i just dont feel ill ever be happy at home. If anyone understands or can give advice id be so very gratful, its the first time i have ever posted online about my mental state. but right now its in a very fragile place just waiting for the next arguement, loud noise, people keeping me awake.. its like im tourturing myself and cant switch it off. thank you for reading, sending love to all. Aura