I've done CBT multiple times, counselling before, more counselling now, antidepressants in the past but never again, mindfulness, reiki, meditation, I want the ache to stop, I want to be happy and nice, I'm disgusting and pathetic, and need to be normal. I want to end things to stop the ache, I want someone to care about real me, not the me they want me to be, I want to matter as me and not the impact I have on others, I can't make the pain stop though, nothing works. Past abuse, many many years of it, physical, verbal, sexual, rubbish social skills..but i have children so I have to be perfect, I have to be alive, I have to function. But laying on the floor is easier. What else can I do? How can I matter as me? How can the ache ever go away? How can I not always be alone as me?