I always regret not finding a safe space to describe what has happened. Even if i get no response I feel better that i have been able to share it with others. This is why I've joined the forum, to be able to describe my life.
My yuong childhood before the age of 10 was good. But it was round this age where my brother became curious. I am also a boy. He did rape but I was so young I didn't understand, I believe the same of him as he is only three years older them. I believe due to my young age I may have been able to handle this better but I have another, nastier brother, belive it or not. He would, on a near daily basis, beat the living shit outta of me to where on occasion I have attempted suicde. My mother suffers from scizophrenia, to the point where she was committed after i was born. The beatings he would inflict on me also involved my mother and boy those memories haunted me for many many years. Nowadays she has receded into herself as she is also blind and deaf so when i see her i shower her with love as that is what she deserves. I digress, the beatings with my elder brother stopped around the time i smacked him with a hammer. By the time I left home I managed to get into uni, but this is where the downward spiral begins. I seek guideance from my peers but how do 18 years respond to this? I had what can be recognised as a relationship but becasue i was so traumitised and broken I didn't understand sex or even desired it, I just wanted to be alone. I then discovered drugs. There are few years involving heavy weed, mushroom and acid use. Fun but didn't solve my issues, only masked the pain.
After almost been stabbed a few times and oddly enough having a boyfriend as i was confused i met a girl. It begin over drugs and I opened uo to her, which was a mistake. She proceeded to call the police on me at any oppertunity she got, i became friends with her friends for a short peroid where i belive they were playing a game on me. It was an odd time that again involved drugs. It essentially ended with me getting a 12 month suspended sentance for stalking and a community order. I got along with the parole officer.
My problems are that I am finding it difficult to form relationships. I have suffered abusive relationships through friends and family and only had sex twice. I have a fear that i am crossing a boundry or burdening someone with my own personal issues. In that mindset of thinking i am burden i end up ruining any oppurtunity i have at a relationship. I cry about it as all I want is to live happily. I am not an abusive person as i work for a complaints line, i understand others emotions and am quite considerate. I just feel i am unloveable. I hate and loath myself. I no longer do drugs but I feel empty inside. I am not worthy of being in a relationship, be it a friend or something deeper with a woman.
There was someone i liked recently but she just got into a relationship with someone. I said goodbye and outta of fear of it becoming another stalking charge i have blocked all contact from her on social media. I feel empty. Scared. Worthless. I need to get over these emotions so i can form meaningful relationships or else ill just continue to hate my life working in these bullshit jobs listening to people complain about dumb shit like fridges and cookers.