Hi, I'm new here. I'm 18 and live in Italy. Wanted to try to share this.
Once I was strolling by myself, near the little park behind my apartment, and was wondering if the spontaneous movement of my soul, so similar to happiness I swear, was just a deceitful illusion given by the upcoming season or if I had gained, finally, that peaceful exaltation I have been searching all my life.
It wasn’t indeed.
Two months later I was already starving for the lack of emotions, not mentioning the absence of boosts to do anything and the uncomfortable feeling of being unable to finish any project, any book, any work.
Humans are social being and I was a social inept, that was it; or at least I felt as one, cause my friends, my family, my classmates couldn’t tell the difference and used to smile benevolently as usual when they saw me.
Something kind of annoying, that’s what I saw instead in their faces and what made me grow an angry, ungrateful, unjustified, indecent behaviour.
May the gods have mercy.
I can recall a large amount of embarrassing situations and bloops I caused or was involved with, in that period, and that I used to smell (I say it without shame, because I’m well conscious it was that hard to do anything, that hard I couldn’t either wash myself and really, guys, don’t do it because they smelled, but put figuratively yourself in my shoes).
I tried desperately to avoid social interactions (you know that type for which you actually need to be in presence of the other human being) and got angry at everything with my parents (who were the only one able to reach me, because I lived in their fucking house) for no apparent reason. The reason in hindsight was that mommy was trying to save me from my depression by forcing me out of my nest. Bad, bad, bad idea.
I just got angrier and less reasonable about my state, that got worse over time, and I hurt the feelings of everyone who dared speaking with me.
Helpless, angry, with the desire to disappear or to cry out loud.
Reading, which had comforted me in the past, was an impossible task.
But one day I just woke up and I started to work over me, started to get better, stopped to chew my nails and rediscovered my true self.
I now had true friends, a lot of, I hung out, I felt happy.
It was a miracle I could react I don’t know how.
And now I feel bad again.
I cannot tell to anyone, everything I did the last time now it’s useless, I’m scared.
Gosh, I’m so scared to lose everything I fought for, to hurt the people I love, to be again like I used to be.
I cannot do it again, not again.
I swear, I have not the strength.
I don’t know what the problem is, I was ok, I was just fine.
Now it’s already a week since I was able to go to school.