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Pushed away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
lz2031
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2021 6:17 pm

Pushed away

Postby lz2031 » Tue Apr 20, 2021 7:30 pm

Hello,

I've had depression myself twice and I still take the medication now. That's not to say I totally understand the condition because it is very complex and everyone's experience is different.

I joined an activity group after my second episode a few years ago. I met someone there who also had the illness and we developed a good friendship quite quickly. Unfortunately they did something that hurt me - not saying it was intentional but it did hit me hard at the time. However I decided to carry on with the friendship. Every time I looked like I was backing away slightly they got worried about losing me but I re-assured them. One day we had an argument and I expressed some of my hurt feelings. After that everything changed - they became very cold and distant - they didn't message or speak to me particularly in person. This made me quite anxious and insecure - thinking I had done something wrong. I met up with them later and I asked what was happening. They said they had gone in to protective mode and they didn't want to hurt me because that would hurt them. I said it was like I'd done something wrong but they said I was just being paranoid. I asked if they wanted me in their life and they said obviously yes. Anyway another month went by - I was having an operation so I didn't get to be part of the group. I didn't hear much from them during this time but I was told they had got everyone in the group to sign a card for me. The next time I saw them they were still very distant and they seem to have got close to a mutual friend making me question if I was being replaced. I tried to talk to them about it the following day but they weren't in a good place telling me they didn't know what they could say and that they couldn't take this repeatedly. They said they would leave the group and that would make things easier for me and would help me to move on. I said I didn't want to upset them any further so I wouldn't ask for any more clarification. They apologised and said they had told the group leader they had left. I told them it was a shame but I understood. The next day they blocked me on one social media platform.

It still hurts to this day but I'm trying not to take it too personally. I just wondered if anyone has any similar experiences? I really want to understand.

epitaph
Posts: 91
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Pushed away

Postby epitaph » Thu Apr 22, 2021 6:12 pm

Hello lz2031,

Welcome to the forum.

I wish this was not the case but sadly I am able to relate to some of what you have said. For you to go to the trouble of posting, my guess is that this whole episode still hurts a lot.

I don't know if any of the following will help, but perhaps these are a few things to bear in mind.

- None of us truly know what the other person is going through or how they are really feeling inside
- Did you disclose to the other person just how much you were upset after they unintentionally/intentionally hurt you ? As seeing someone else very upset as a result of ones own actions can be very upsetting for both parties, particularly if one party feels that they have let the other down or not managed to meet/maintain their own standards as to what they would consider to be acceptable and reasonable ?
- It is entirely possible for things to be said or messages to be conveyed that were not meant to cause any offence or were conceivably made as a consequence of what was happening at the time to the other person when they might not have communicated the same message or in the same way on a different day.

All of the above is particularly difficult to handle when one party no longer wants to communicate and has effectively adopted a "fly away approach" to the whole thing. Potentially focusing solely on themselves and unable to consider how the other person might feel by their actions. Not either appreciating or possibly even realising the ongoing pain and suffering that the other party still feels when all they want to do is understand what happened or explain their own actions and responses or convey how they still feel. This can be so emotionally painful which seemingly only time seems to heal.

Whilst we are all different, perhaps some people feel that reconciliation is just too painful to contemplate and for them avoiding the issue is the only way that they can come to terms with the pain or disappointment that they still feel, possibly this is the only method that they know. Whilst others recognise the value and crucial importance of words such as reconciliation, understanding, dialogue, patience and forgiveness in an attempt to move on and come to a place of peace and harmony both with the other person as well as and more importantly within themselves.

I hope some of what I have said will help you, as I do know how you feel.

Take care...

lz2031
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2021 6:17 pm

Re: Pushed away

Postby lz2031 » Fri Apr 23, 2021 6:13 pm

Thanks for your response.
I have to be honest and say that I did express my hurt feelings and I should have been a little more sensitive perhaps, it’s difficult to find the balance sometimes.
I do believe I may have picked a bad time to try and engage with them. I regret to say that after they blocked me on one platform I made the decision to block them on another. This was purely to protect myself from any further hurt.
There are many plausible theories I have read for why they may have chosen to push me away - maybe they thought I would leave them so they left me first or maybe they didn’t want to hurt me so the only way they could guarantee (or so they thought) was to cut me out of their life.

epitaph
Posts: 91
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Pushed away

Postby epitaph » Fri Apr 23, 2021 10:31 pm

Yep... it is so annoying, leaving a feeling of deep regret (if only one had taken stock and thought about things more carefully before communicating) and just so easy to make a mistake especially if one or both parties are also attempting to come to terms with MH issues as well.

A very long sigh...
https://youtu.be/BUbjmLrp9dc

l wish you happiness


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