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WITS END

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
soas1961
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:31 pm

WITS END

Postby soas1961 » Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:47 pm

This is my first post.
My eldest daughter, 33, suffers from anxiety, depression and OCD. She is gay and a couple of weeks ago something happened that has rocked us.
She was alone at home with my youngest daughter’s boyfriend and announced to me a week later that he’d abused her. I struggled to believe this but were told my youngest daughter and her world was shattered.
He took a polygraph test and passed with flitting colours. It’s something happened but it was instigated by my daughter.
She doesn’t know we know this and tomorrow we are letting her know.
My youngest is trying to forgive both of them and needs this to be resolved. I’m so anxious about it that all week I’ve felt sick and had a heavy feeling in my chest. I just don’t know what the outcome is going to be.
The problem is that the eldest won’t speak to anyone about her issues. I even tried to get our Dr round but they wouldn’t come unless she asked and she won’t.
She is drinking too much, not interested in anything, spending all day in bed and not eating properly. I’m worried that she’s starting to gamble again online as she’s always on her phone.
Does anyone know how I can get help for her without her having to ask for it. She has previously tried suicide twice. I just don’t know where to turn.

heretochat
Posts: 108
Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 4:57 pm
Contact:

Re: WITS END

Postby heretochat » Fri Apr 16, 2021 10:08 am

soas1961 wrote:This is my first post.
My eldest daughter, 33, suffers from anxiety, depression and OCD. She is gay and a couple of weeks ago something happened that has rocked us.
She was alone at home with my youngest daughter’s boyfriend and announced to me a week later that he’d abused her. I struggled to believe this but were told my youngest daughter and her world was shattered.
He took a polygraph test and passed with flitting colours. It’s something happened but it was instigated by my daughter.
She doesn’t know we know this and tomorrow we are letting her know.
My youngest is trying to forgive both of them and needs this to be resolved. I’m so anxious about it that all week I’ve felt sick and had a heavy feeling in my chest. I just don’t know what the outcome is going to be.
The problem is that the eldest won’t speak to anyone about her issues. I even tried to get our Dr round but they wouldn’t come unless she asked and she won’t.
She is drinking too much, not interested in anything, spending all day in bed and not eating properly. I’m worried that she’s starting to gamble again online as she’s always on her phone.
Does anyone know how I can get help for her without her having to ask for it. She has previously tried suicide twice. I just don’t know where to turn.


Hi and welcome to the site.
Sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment with your eldest daughter. It sounds like she is really struggling with her thoughts and feelings which in turn is affecting the rest of the family and causing a lot of anxiety for yourself.
Being a very similar age to your daughter I can identify with not all but a lot of what she is going through and I understand how stressful it must be for her.
The first step in her getting help is she does need to start speaking to people about her issues but she needs to be willing to do this herself as it's very hard to get help if she appears not to want it.
I hope she knows she's not alone and people would be willing to help her. Sounds like you as her parent care about her welfare so hope she realises this.
Best of luck with talking to her today regarding the polygraph test. Hopefully this can be the beginning of things improving for all of you.

soas1961
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:31 pm

Re: WITS END

Postby soas1961 » Fri Apr 16, 2021 11:51 am

Thank you for your kind words and your own personal understanding of this.
I actually wrote her a letter explaining things and begging her to talk to someone but not pushing her as she’d only dig her heels in.
It feels like a flaw in the system that a parent cannot refer their child for treatment but it may be because she’s an adult. The GP is very understanding but her hands are tied.

heretochat
Posts: 108
Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 4:57 pm
Contact:

Re: WITS END

Postby heretochat » Fri Apr 16, 2021 7:10 pm

soas1961 wrote:Thank you for your kind words and your own personal understanding of this.
I actually wrote her a letter explaining things and begging her to talk to someone but not pushing her as she’d only dig her heels in.
It feels like a flaw in the system that a parent cannot refer their child for treatment but it may be because she’s an adult. The GP is very understanding but her hands are tied.


Hi that was a good idea to write her a letter, how did she take it? I hope she does talk to someone soon. Yes I agree a parent should be able to refer their child for treatment and yes it's because she's an adult but of course the more a person is struggling the less likely they are to get help and they do need someone to intervene.
Feel free to email me on heretochat@email.com or of course if your daughter ever just wants someone to chat with then I'd be happy to chat with her over email.
I do hope things improve for all of you soon.

soas1961
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:31 pm

Re: WITS END

Postby soas1961 » Sat Apr 17, 2021 8:03 am

Thank you. With regards to the letter I don’t know how she took it as she wouldn’t read it in front of me and she’s not said anything. My youngest daughter came round last night to discuss the polygraph results but she didn’t want to talk. She also wrote a letter, well it’s on my iPad and we’ve run out of printer paper. Typical! I showed it to her and she said well it did happen to me so that’s a load of rubbish. It’s almost like she’s in denial.
My youngest is really upset and doesn’t know what to do and neither do I to help them both. The eldest hasn’t worked for over two years and I’ve been supporting her as she won’t sign on. Problem now is that the youngest won’t come home and is going to get a place on her own which means that I’m not going to keep paying the rent and bills etc on a three bed house just for the eldest. I’m thinking about saying to her, not yet though, that she’s got to find another place and I’m not supporting her any more. I’ve used half my pension to pay off her debts and also bought her a car. It’s time for me to try and rebuild my pension or savings and I can’t do that while supporting her. Is this too harsh? I feel like I’ve almost been enabling her.
I will pass your email address on to her but I can’t tell her we’ve been in communication because she will get angry. Thank you for all your help.

heretochat
Posts: 108
Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 4:57 pm
Contact:

Re: WITS END

Postby heretochat » Sat Apr 17, 2021 9:39 am

soas1961 wrote:Thank you. With regards to the letter I don’t know how she took it as she wouldn’t read it in front of me and she’s not said anything. My youngest daughter came round last night to discuss the polygraph results but she didn’t want to talk. She also wrote a letter, well it’s on my iPad and we’ve run out of printer paper. Typical! I showed it to her and she said well it did happen to me so that’s a load of rubbish. It’s almost like she’s in denial.
My youngest is really upset and doesn’t know what to do and neither do I to help them both. The eldest hasn’t worked for over two years and I’ve been supporting her as she won’t sign on. Problem now is that the youngest won’t come home and is going to get a place on her own which means that I’m not going to keep paying the rent and bills etc on a three bed house just for the eldest. I’m thinking about saying to her, not yet though, that she’s got to find another place and I’m not supporting her any more. I’ve used half my pension to pay off her debts and also bought her a car. It’s time for me to try and rebuild my pension or savings and I can’t do that while supporting her. Is this too harsh? I feel like I’ve almost been enabling her.
I will pass your email address on to her but I can’t tell her we’ve been in communication because she will get angry. Thank you for all your help.


Ok well you did the best thing in writing her a letter, she probably doesn't know what to say in reply to it and that's why she's not said anything. Yes from the response you received when showing her the letter from your youngest daughter is does sound as though she is in denial. Sorry about how this is affecting you all as a family. It sounds very stressful for you with not knowing what to do to help either of your daughters. You should take some time just for yourself as you matter too.
I understand that you are not going to be able to keep paying money on a three bed house just for your eldest daughter. I don't think you've been enabling her but of course with her not working she does need to sign on and that should actually make her feel a bit better in herself as she'd have more independence.
Yes please do pass on my email address to her. I am female and of a similar age and would be happy to just chat with her if she wants to talk. I wouldn't mention this website or that we have been in communication

soas1961
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:31 pm

Re: WITS END

Postby soas1961 » Sat Apr 17, 2021 5:17 pm

Thank you so much. I will pass your email on and hopefully she will be in touch.
Take care and look after yourself as well x

heretochat
Posts: 108
Joined: Tue May 19, 2020 4:57 pm
Contact:

Re: WITS END

Postby heretochat » Sat Apr 17, 2021 5:21 pm

soas1961 wrote:Thank you so much. I will pass your email on and hopefully she will be in touch.
Take care and look after yourself as well x


That's ok, I look forward to hearing from her if she gets in touch. Thank you and take care yourself x


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