Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Was my best friend a covert narcacisst?

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:09 pm

Was my best friend a covert narcacisst?

Postby kellykelly » Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:24 pm

my world has been left shattered after my best friend of 17 years cut me off abruptly.
She was like my sister and i've never felt an intense bond with anyone like the way i felt about my ex best friend and now i'm wondering was she just mimicking me and all a lie?
I've been slowly piecing together and wondering whether i was a victim of a covert narcacisst and wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar position and how they've overcome it?
I'm struggling bad and she cut me off at my lowest, i've had an awful year and i was physically assaulted in daylight from a random stranger during covid i then found out my sister was in an incredibly abusive relationship after she was involved in a court battle and decided to tell me as her partner tried to strangle her to death on her birthday - i really really needed support after these two events and my friend also died of MND this year a few days before my birthday. When i tried to get emotional support from her she was very cold, like she was waiting for me to confront her or say why are you being so cold, i did and the conversation exploded i was met with paragraphs and paragraphs of rambling and deflection throwing it upon me saying there was so many things she'd never brought up during our friendship and it was basically all my fault and then said she couldnt be my friend anymore at my lowest when i confronted her why i was upset.
I wracked my brains because i've only ever been a good friend to her and shes the only person i've never confronted if theyve made me upset, during those times she never showed me loyalty really and if i had an argument with another friend she would just cut it off and say shes not getting invovled or sticking up for me even if i was right as shes a 'conflict avoider'
I tried a further two times to reach out and she still threw everything in my face and i stupidly took full blame and said sorry profusely just so i could get our friendship back but she wasnt interested and took all my sorry's and still beat me down and ran.
Im finding it so hard as she seems to be fine and i think about her constantly everyday.
She moved to a new town and i noticed that she didnt bother with me as soon as this happened, its been a progressive break up over the past year, she also found a new girl to hang out with that she was spending alot of time with and it felt like our bond just suddenly dissapeared, shortly after the assault i said id go down to see her but my confidence was gone and i was really scared so i said i couldnt i wasnt ready, instead of offering to come see me she just went out with the new girl instead with another mutual friend of ours and that really hurt me, when i was assaulted she never came to see me once - she lives half hour away and visited her dad in the same town and still didnt ask to see me.
She was my bridesmaid and didnt even get me a wedding card, i had done so so much for her and spent so much money on her birthday gifts and even transferred her money when she said she was struggling financially but looking back she didnt really do much for me at all but still im left with such painful emotions and a break up i never thought i'd face.
The odd thing is she doesn't have much drive she works an average job and is happy to just get by, the way she has reacted to me confronting her when i was so so depressed has left me scarred and confused.
It's like she was waiting for me to finally say youve been a bad friend then to completely blame me and cut me off
She doesn't make much effort for anyone but i always made excuses for her, anytime we went to a festival wed have to see everyone shed want to see and whenever i wanted to do something she would say no if she didnt want to see music with me but id never do that to her, im just trying to piece together whether shes just an incredibly selfish person or if i've been emotionally abused all this time. I was never ever a bad friend to her- im an ESFJ which means i basically put myself last and all i do is care about people.
She wished my husband a happy birthday yesterday and it brought everything back up again and now i cant stop tihnking about her, why did she go out her way to do that on social media if she wants no connection with me?

Posts: 90
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Was my best friend a covert narcacisst?

Postby epitaph » Fri Jan 15, 2021 7:49 pm

Hello kellykelly,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry you have lost your friend and feel you have been rejected. (Or perceive you have been rejected, sometimes it is possible to perceive we are rejected, when this might not be actually the case). Either way we feel the same way and your post is clear on this front.

Loosing a very close friend and the feeling of being rejected (as you know), particularly when there are other negative things going on is emotionally extremely painful. Going over and over everything tends to be emotionally draining too, she did this, wish I'd said that, wish I'd not said that!, if only this, why did that happen ?, did she have to do that ?, why did she do that, was it on purpose, ... it goes on and on. Try to give your mind a rest, using your favorite remedy (if there even is one).

Whether your friend is a narcissist is impossible to say, people change over time and who knows what might have been going on with your friend or what they were going through or why they did what they did. Either way we can't turn the clock back.

Try to be very easy on yourself and take time to recover doing the things that you enjoy most, (if that's even possible right now). As we all know in time these things fade and we do recover and become slightly wiser (hopefully!) people in the future.

Sorry if this did not help much or at all, what you are going through, loss and rejection are really painful things that no amount of words from someone else can heal (I wish I could) however well intended!

Take care...

Return to “Family, Friends and Carers”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests