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Shut out of new relationship

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Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Fri Feb 16, 2018 9:50 am

This is my first post here but already from reading the forum I can see than I am not alone with this problem but would still welcome some advice.

I live in Spain and have been single for 6 years. I've met a few guys recently through internet dating but none worked out. At the beginning of December I messaged a guy who was UK based here in Spain visiting family nearby and we met for just an hour at the airport before he flew home. There was an instant mutual attraction - he even joked I should fly back with him and I felt that if I could have, I would have done. He did tell me at that time that he had had mental health and General health problems but that with having made changes to his lifestyle medication and counselling he was in a good place.

I should say at this point I have my own health issues, I have ME and whilst it I much improved and manageable I am always liable to get a flare up in stressful situations.

We started chatting on whatsapp and just over a week later he booked flights to come back at the end of January.

We both struggled over Christmas with a mutual dislike of the whole thing, and he was quiet, not his usual self, he told me he was getting grief from his ex but he seemed to bounce back to normal after a couple of days and I felt theme was no cause for concern. We both agreed that a fresh start in the new year was what we both needed and were really looking forward to meeting and spending time together.

When he arrived 3 weeks ago today, I really felt my life had been made complete. The chemistry was there and I can honestly say it was love at first sight. I felt like I did with my first love, which was when I was 15, he made me feel the same and nobody in the last 40 years had done that.

We spent 5 days together. He met my teenage son and I met his son and family who live here. It all felt right. He had already been saying he wanted to come here for 6 months and we talked about that a lot, but by the end of his stay here he was planning on moving here full time.

He messaged me from the airport to say he was feeling low at having to go home, I replied saying he should feel happy that this was just the start, not sad that it was the end of his stay here. He had promised he would be back for my birthday in March, but also wanted to fit in another trip before that too.

The messages carried on in the same upbeat way but I did start to notice that when I was lightheartedly saying he should be here in the sunshine rather than working in the freezing cold he was not answering me. By last Sunday I had told myself that I should stop saying things like that. On Sunday night I didn't get the usual message telling me sleep well, I love you, so I messaged saying are you ok you have been quiet, I got no reply till the next morning, where he said I shouldn't worry.

He was quiet againon Monday ( I usually got messages during the day while he was at work) but I wasn't concerned. Then early evening he dropped the bombshell. I got a message saying he couldn't cope with the distance and he had to stop seeing me. I honestly thought the message would end ha ha only joking, booked a flight .... but it didn't. By the time I messaged back 'are you serious' he blocked me. Calls went to answer phone.

My son realised something was wrong so he messaged him. The reply he got was that he couldn't deal with confrontation and argument so couldn't speak to me, and that if my son continued to message him he would block him too. He ended that message saying he had to stay in the UK to be near his parents. He blocked my son. Just as my son came to show me the message my phone rang - he said I owe you this phone call, he was sorry but he couldn't see how we could work. He said he couldn't cope with only seeing me once a month or once a fortnight.

One thing which did concern me was he said 'I don't know if I can be faithfull' then he said no that's not really what I meant, I meant if I met so one who was nearby I don't know if I could stop myself getting involved with them. I wondered if he was still on dating sites having been telling me constantly that he loved me.

At this point I said to him that when my son finishes school next year I would be happy to move back to the UK to be with him. He said I shouldn't as I was better off here and what about my son - I said my son wants to go to the UK anyway to go to college and so it really wasn't a problem.

I asked if there was anyone else and he said no definitely not. He said maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship, he'd enjoyed doing as he pleased form the last year, I reassured him I'd never stop him doing what he wanted, and while we were in different countries he'd get the best of both worlds.

I asked him if my messages were annoying him, because i would stop saying he should be here if it was upsetting him, but he said no, carry on talking to me. He then started to backtrack saying he would book a flight to come over and talk things through and that maybe he had been a bit hasty. He was driving at the time and had to end the call due to traffic (he was on bluetooth) but he said he would unblock me.

He did unblock me but the tone of his messages changed.

I couldn't get the 'unfaithful' comment out my head. He had told me on the Saturday that he was going to a gig that night, that he had forgotten he had tickets for it. He was upbeat about it but after I started to wonder who he went with. I still have no idea and haven't asked. I wonder if it was someone he had been seeing previously and because he hates confrontation he felt he had to go, and was then dealing with someone who maybe thought she could have him back? Or guilt that he was with someone else and scared he couldn't tell me for fear of my reaction? I trust him, I have to as we are in different countries, I would have been ok if he had just told me.

I had a long sleepless night and messaged him saying I was prepared to move back, that I wanted to be with him and that to me was more important than where I lived. I'm not working here and life is a struggle to be honest. I said i would be here for him. I only got back snappy answers and that he wasn't in the mood to talk.

The next night it dawned on me that he had gone into a depression. I didn't use the word but let him know that I knew what the problem was. I said if I have got this wrong I'm sorry, but that if I was right I understood and wouldn't give up on him. I said this was going to be our year and he should be back in the gym the feelgood stuff pumping. I got back a thinking emoji and a thumbs up. That was all.

Any time I have tried to talk since he has just said I need time. I have asked if he can tell me what brought this on, he hasnt answered. I agreed to stop messaging him but asked him to just let me know from time to time that he is ok,otherwise I would message him to check. I got the thumbs up again.

We have now gone more than 24 hours with no contact and I am really struggling now. I feel I have to do something. I could contact his son and try to get some background, I could fly over and stay with my mum and just tell him I am there. This is where I need help in deciding what to do next. I know I also have to look after myself but I am not ready to give up on this, even though it's a very new relationship and people will tell me to just walk away, I can't do that. The connection between us was so strong I can't even think about him not being in my life. I know he finds it hard to look too far ahead, and June next year when my son finishes school here will seem like a lifetime to him, to me its nothing in the scheme of things.

He was very open and honest about the problems he has had but I really didn't expect this to happen like this.

I'm sorry for the long post but hope you can understand my feelings. I am sure that if I could get a physical connection between us, even a hug and a kiss, things would be on the I way to being solved, he thrives on physical contact. If we were in the same country I could get to him, from here it could be a long expensive journey with no guarantee he would even see me. I don't even have an address for him as stupid as that sounds, I would just have to say 'I'm here, tell me where to meet you'. I don't even know if he is going to work at the moment.

What can I do?

I have had more thoughts on why he messaged saying he was ending our relationship and then backtracked so quickly - could he have been waiting to see if I tried all angles to contact him or whether I just said fair enough goodbye?

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Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby bluebell123 » Fri Feb 16, 2018 9:34 pm

Sorry i can't text much as my depression saps my energy. At the risk of simplyfying things i think this relationship has gone way too fast and you are possibly confusing initial lust with true love which is built up slowly on firm foundations.

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Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:08 am

I totally agree with you and I never expected things to move as fast as they did, it was me holding back and asking him to slow down, long distance is never easy and him talking about moving here was quite scary to be honest but having health problems of my own too my philosophy is to seize the day, and it's his too.

It's not easy also living in different countries, everything gets compressed into short intense periods of time.

Having said this, the situation has changed for the better this evening.

I went along with the agreement that we made, that he would contact me to let me know how he was, and, if he didn't, i would contact him.

After 2 days he hadn't messaged .... bearing in mind we used to speak numerous times each day I found this really difficult.

I messaged early this evening to say its 2 days since i heard from him, and it was exactly 3 weeks since ' that first kiss' and that I wanted to be able to kiss and hug him again to try to make things better for him.

I got a reply saying he was soldiering on. I asked what this meant for 'us', was there still an 'us'. He said he was not coming over for the time being as he was snowed under with work and was still in pain from another health problem, which I already was aware of. I did look up the painkillers he was prescribed, side effect rare but severe, is depression.

I said ok, I could cope with that, so long as he didn't shut me out, and he said he wouldn't.

I had already arranged to go out with a friend this evening so he said he was having an early night as he is working tomorrow.

I said we would talk again over the weekend.

The conversation has put my mind at rest, even though the tone was not the same as it used to be. I do feel its progress and I feel much happier about the situation.

I am sure that for some reason he had been in a dark place since Monday but I feel he is coming out of it now, and whilst I have to accept I might never know why I feel better equipped to deal with things if it happens again.

I will carry on trying to reassure him that I'm in this for the long haul and there for him.

I'll update as and when.

Thanks for the support.

Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:01 pm

I'm feeling a bit lost again today. As he had seemed more open on Friday I sent a couple of messages yesterday but had no reply. I ended up with a message saying I would step away from the phone and that I was missing my best friend.

I spent the evening yesterday with one of my friends who has suffered from depression since her teens and is being such a great help to me.

This morning I am starting to feel that progress is being made but it's very slow and of course I don't know how long it is going to take.

The big thought in my mind now is when this episode is over, and when we get back to where we were (I refuse to say IF, it has to be WHEN) will we get the chance to talk things through? Will I get feedback on what I could have done differently? I understand that he might not be able to tell me what triggered this, even though I have my own ideas. He was totally open with me about the problems he had had in the past but he didn't give me any clue it could happen again, he said so long as he looks after himself physically and mentally he is OK now. I feel I need to know if it is likely to happen again, what should I do or not do, how can I see the signs? He was also very good at telling me what was making him feel good when we were together, silly things like me putting my hand on his arm. If he can tell me what feels good he should be able to tell me what makes him feel bad?

My M.E. makes me over analyse situations and these thoughts are in my mind constantly at the moment. I miss his voice, I miss the daily pictures he used to send, the daft messages, the things that made the long distance manageable (from my point of view) have all gone at the moment.

Just that one message a day would make things so much easier for me. I still want to just fly over there and meet up but not sure of the reaction I would get.

So many questions .....

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Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby Isap » Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:49 pm

Hi Mimosa

You're a very nice and brave lady and deserve your happiness. I really don't know what to advise.

Isap xx

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Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:55 pm

Isap thankyou for your reply. Maybe there are no answers, I need to stop over thinking things I know. Writing things down always helps me, I will go back and read over things constantly, and here I know that there are supportive people reading. It does help xx

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Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Sun Feb 18, 2018 7:32 pm

Hi Mimosas

If he has suffered from depression for a long time, it is likely to come back in the future. It can be managed if it is dealt with as soon as you see the signs. From my own experience with my ex, he would shut me out when he was feeling low, but after would apologise and we would get back to ‘normal’. He started taking antidepressants but it was either too late or the AD’s side effects made it worse. So he hit a major low, shut me out for nearly 2 months, then broke up with me. So even if you think he’s back on track, it might not be the case. Proceed with caution. Read about depression and depression fallout. Check the threads on this forum. It will hopefully give you the tools to deal with the situation or make an informed decision as to what you should do.


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Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sun Feb 18, 2018 7:56 pm

Arwen I don't know the full history. He told me the first time we met that he hardly drinks now as 4 yrs ago he was in a bad place mentally, diabetes out of control, overweight and drinking 50 pints a week, but with stopping the drink, going to the gym and meds things were stable. He does have anxiety problems as well but again was upfront about it.

I really wasn't expecting there to be any problems as he was so positive and happy while he was here, and despite saying he felt a bit low when he was waiting at the airport for his flight back, he was fine when he got home, until last weekend.

I will need to find out going forward if this is a regular thing or if this was just a big downer going home from here and/or something to do with him going to the gig last weekend.

If this happens regularly I don't think I could carry on with the relationship to be honest as I know it would impact on my M.E. I couldn't go through this on a regular basis, I'm barely functioning myself.

I messaged him today with a picture of me and said send me a pic or better still call me as it would be great to hear your voice, I've had no reply and I am tempted to call him, just dont know what to do. I think I might contact his son tomorrow just to try and get some more background. Will sleep on that one.

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Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Mon Feb 19, 2018 8:52 am

I have just googled depression fallout and now I'm terrified. Everything I read suggested there is never a positive outcome. I can't face that thought at the moment.

I've had no contact from him since Friday evening. I've sent 5 positive messages in that time, they've all been read as far as I can tell but no response. We've been online at the same time but he's not messaged me. (whatsapp, we have never been FB friends, he says he doesn't really use it, I'm not sure)

I just hope I've got this all wrong and it really is a case of loads of work and the physical pain he us in and he will come back to me. There will need to be some serious talking. I can't go through this too many times.

I am going to try to contact his son today and see if he will talk to me then I need to decide what to do.

Update ... I was going to contact his son thru the restaurant where he works but There was no message facility on their FB page and didn't want to embarrass him by phoning or calling in there.

Instead I sent a msg to whatever he now is (!) Saying I understand he doesn't want the sort of messages we used to send so I'll stop but in return could he please let me know in the morning and evening that he is ok, that I am there for him but finding it difficult.

He replied saying he was fine but his uncle passed away last night and he was dealing with that. His uncle has been in hospital for weeks. I have replied again saying I'm here and sending my love.

I can breathe a little bit easier and see where he goes from here.

Thankyou all on here for your support while you are all dealing with your own painful situations. For me just writing here helps. The M.E. magnifies everything and also causes brain fog, I can read these posts over and over and it does help.

Love to everyone xxx

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Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby james80 » Mon Feb 19, 2018 10:27 am

The depression fallout forum is a good resource to connect with people suffering from the same thing. Whilst the vast majority of stories do not turn out to have happy endings (not the happy endings we all dream about anyeay) they do exist. One of the most crotocal factkrs seems to be the willingness of the depressed person to seek help for their condition.

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