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Struggling and I feel all alone

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
sweetophelia
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2021 8:56 pm

Struggling and I feel all alone

Postby sweetophelia » Thu Sep 23, 2021 9:36 pm

Hi all,

It's hard to know where to start. The summer before last I met a guy online and we very quickly got into a relationship. Even though it was new, we both felt this was something special. We were kept apart a lot of the time due to several lockdowns. Our love and relationship were strong however and we kept going through everything. Once the restrictions were lifted, I went on the pill as we were planning to see a lot more of each other. I noticed a short time after starting on the pill that I was getting horrendous physical side effects which were making me very ill. My boyfriend was aware of this. I also developed paranoia and depression which I stupidly ignored. However, this led me to having two arguments with my boyfriend. When we spoke about the 2nd argument, he said he was too hurt to continue and so we separated. He also referenced the fact that I'd been suffering from PTSD as a result of losing my brother and cousin. He did say that he'd be keen to consider a reconciliation later down the line.

We didn't speak initially, although there were a few times when we chatted and he was flirty and playful, giving me hope. I was confused however as I didn't know where I stood. Therefore I reached out to him but he was unresponsive, and I knew the relationship was definitely done.

At first I was okay, however having yet more contact has reset my progress. I was already struggling before the breakup, but being ditched by someone who swore they'd be with me forever has made me go to a very dark place. I am doing everything right- came off birth control, am seeing a counsellor, going out with my friends etc. And yet I'm now at a point where I feel I can't go on. I keep having mini breakdowns and have considered suicide.

It' seems very silly as my rational brain tells me I should cut it out and focus on myself and my goals. I really don't think I deserve being treated in this way. I never lied, cheated or abused him. We barely argued and he often said that his life was far better with me in it. However, I am not looking to get him back (even though I want to so much) but to find a way to get past this. I have been dealing with some other things in my life as well and I think because of this, I am fixating on him. I feel unfufilled as I live with my parents whilst I was saving to move in with my ex. Now I am stuck living with my parents.

I feel very alone. I have lots of friends, but they're busy and often forget to get back to me. When I was considering taking my own life earlier, I had no one to reach out to This has also caused me pain.. Sometimes I don't know how I'll get through the day.

epitaph
Posts: 122
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Struggling and I feel all alone

Postby epitaph » Fri Sep 24, 2021 5:35 pm

Hello sweetophelia,

Without wishing to sound totally crass welcome to the forum! None of us ever thought we'd spend time on a forum like this, but hey it is what it is...Well done for posting as this takes courage ...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so, so low right now; I remember all too well the feeling of utter despair, there really are no words to explain it to someone who has not experienced that feeling.

At times like these it can feel that ones friends don't seem to be there enough, are busy with their own lives or can't quite appreciate how you (the real you inside) are feeling (non returned calls, emails just add to the misery etc). It just hurts so much, with seemingly little that can be done to provide relief. With the same thoughts going round and round in ones head, they call it ruminating, that word seemingly does not convey how it feels to be that person.

What I can tell you is that with time, counselling, patience and little steps of improvement these feelings will ease enabling you to be the happy person you want to be. Life can be really painful sometimes, but it is so worth holding on to as each day is a new day, if one can start each day afresh without taking along memories from the past it can feel so much better.

I wish you well and hope that things start to improve for you, please feel free to reach out for support just as much as you need (just don't give it a second thought) as you should never feel that there is no one you can talk to, which by the way is so important in ones own healing.

Long sigh....I do wish the issue with this forum was fixed as it took an age to finally get this post submitted :)

Take care...


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