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Feeling Useless

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
shellie
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon May 10, 2021 11:11 am

Feeling Useless

Postby shellie » Mon May 10, 2021 11:21 am

Hi All I'm very new here and have got to a point in my life when I'm wondering if I can change and break the habits of self doubt I feel totally useless and am really struggling at the moment. I have a very domineering and narcissistic mum who relies on me for everything and still treats me like a child, although reverts to being a child when she wants me to do something for her. I'm getting to the end of my patience, however do not want to break ties - she will only point out how awful I am if I do this anyway. I need a break for my mental health and well being and just don't know what to do. I am beginning to think that the habits of the last 30 plus years are now too ingrained to change and I just can't see a way out of it. If I plan anything with my family, she asks why she can't come with us? She has no concept that she is intruding and my husband and daughter are really starting to resent her and this affects my relationship with them. I truly feel that I haven't got anyone to talk to about this and other issues that are impacting me so am reaching out for health and advice. It is also impacting on my general health as I suffer from migraines and these are getting worse due to stress which them impact on my working life. Thanks Shellie

aloneinthis
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon May 10, 2021 11:10 pm

Re: Feeling Useless

Postby aloneinthis » Tue May 11, 2021 1:22 am

I shall call you Wonder Woman!
Please don't write you feel useless it breaks my heart. Don't you see how strong you've been for last 30y and how strong you are now because you are here searching for the way to stop thit abuse. It is abuse. She might not be aware of how much she is hurting, narcissistic personality, but she will accept your NO. You don't have to win with her , just fight for your space. Speak with the GP tell him about your migraines, stress and thoughts. Another suggestion is counselling. Sessions starts from £25. You don't have to tell anyone about it. Call it gym, overtime or short term beauty course how to do nails. You will have someone to talk to, to discuss your feelings and your thoughts
Shes your mother but you are also a mother. Show her its alright to ask for help when times are difficult and hard.
12 years ago I was trying to change my medication as I was on them really too long. My kidney failed and I was told its a great time to change it. I called my 8 y. old son and I said if you will see me doing or saying things that you never heard from me before, if you will be scared or sad because of it go and tell someone. It can be shopkeeper or dinner lady at school. Go and tell. I won't be mad or angry. He never had to. After many tries I changed medication 3 years later. Giving him that advice was like convincing him to learn my phone number before his first trip. Priceless. You see something is not right speak about it. Don't suffer alone. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you need to put up with her moods and behaviour. You need to set boundaries. An hour for yourself once a week would be good start.
Take care I'll pray for your strength.

epitaph
Posts: 89
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Feeling Useless

Postby epitaph » Tue May 11, 2021 11:13 am

Dearest Shellie,

Wishing you a very warm welcome to the forum!

I try not to be overly blunt on this forum (as we are all fragile humans that have taken a few knocks and hits over the years), but there are occasions when words need to be conveyed clearly.

"It is time to put an end to this .... - :)

My advice would be quite straightforward but it might cause your family to fall off their chairs tonight at dinner time. This is what I'd recommend... (you might want a glass of wine for courage!)

At the dinner table, possibly when people have nearly finished eating you say, "I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've got an announcement to make", there is going to be some changes.... There will be family time when we as a family spend time together without my Mum (look directly at your husband when you say this), and there are going to be times when I spend time with my Mum. There will also be other times when we do somethings with my Mum. But from now on these times are going to be separate, controlled and defined such that as a family we have the time we need to be a happy family unit, without my Mum being with us!

At an appropriate moment, you call your Mum and explain that you will make a certain period during the week when you will call her or see her explaining that your family needs space. Making it clear that you are not cutting her out, but merely need sometime with your husband and daughter alone. If she starts popping round uninvited then explain that you will see her or call her on xyz.

Does the above feel like an impossible task ?

There might be some kicking, screaming and upset but you need to remain strong in taking back control of the situation. This is your immediate family, you need to look after them as they are your primary concern - :)

Wishing you good luck - please be strong and if necessary commence little steps to address this issue.


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