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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Jun 22, 2020 12:00 pm


How are things? Are you feeling a bit less flat? Did work help?

I totally get that some people drop into the annoying category very quickly when trying to be affectionate. Some are just a bit too full on, especially when we’re not used to it.
Has he been expressing how he has been struggling with being furloughed?
He does sound very intense – bless him. It would appear that he has made his whole life about you and I don’t think that’s healthy, for either of you. Like you said, both of you working should ease that and maybe bring some normality into your relationship. It’s a shame that lockdown happened when your relationship was so new, before you had a chance to get into a normal rhythm.

I would be hugely anxious about meeting him in person. I have issues around meeting up with colleagues that I haven’t seen for a while so I totally understand where you’re coming from. For him, he knows you and clearly is really into you so try not to worry. I know that’s a stupid thing to say because I would feel the same. You’re dead right that the only way to overcome it is to go through it and you’re really brave to do that. I back out of most things because of the anxiety then feel crap for not doing it. Anxiety is a b**ch.

Could you get your Mum to rehide the scales? It does worry me a bit that you got weighed. I avoid the scales as I don’t trust them – my weight fluctuates wildly depending on where my cycle is so I’ve stopped doing it. It was only depressing me.

I’m glad he isn’t mentioning his weight now. I just wish I had a magic wand that would take it all from you.

Did your Mum say anything about the change between you?

Good news about the care position. It sounds like you’ll have a varied job which is really good. Being nervous is definitely to be expected.

No, I’ve not tackled the shops yet. I’m OK with nipping to Asda or Sainsburys but don’t feel the need to brave town. I rarely go in anyway so I’ve not missed it. I couldn’t believe the queues, all a bit mad in my opinion. I know for some, they have kids who have outgrown clothes etc but that won’t be everyone.

Good news on the care co although it has taken her long enough to get in touch. Its good you’ll have contact with her on a more regular basis. Can you ring her if you needed to?

I spoke to mine last week and the psychologist rang me on Wednesday and she said she will ring me once a month to keep an eye on me. I like her and feel comfortable talking to her.

No news on the scan. I spoke to my lovely GP last Tuesday and she told me she is retiring, this week. I’m gutted. She has been my support for about 15 years and she has always gone beyond to try to help me. She has a huge faith in God and has often spoken to me about it but without pushing it onto me. She did say she wants to keep in touch and go out for socially distanced walks/coffees which will be great but it all means I have to start from scratch with another GP. It’s really upset me. She knows all about my partner and the issues there and has made it clear that the relationship is no good for me and my self-esteem.

I don’t feel that I have the strength to do anything about the relationship. I can see it for what it is but don’t feel I deserve anything different. I know I would definitely not think that for anyone else but such is the way of crap self-esteem. She really can’t see it. She even commented the other day how hard it must be for people in abusive relationships with lockdown. I don’t for one second put myself in the same category as someone who is physically abused or really badly abused in other ways. Mine is mild in contrast but its eaten away at who I am. Maybe I never knew who I was before we met so who knows.

I’m struggling with the way of the world at the moment. It feels like it’s all gone a bit mad – stabbings over the weekend, politics etc. I really don’t feel comfortable being in it.

Hope work is OK and is giving you a break from your head.

Huge hugs and love


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Mon Jun 22, 2020 6:55 pm

Hey M! :D

I'm just on my way home from like the best day ever. Let's just say Em: 1 Anxiety Gremlin: Big fat zero with a cherry on top. :lol:

I met with him today. Amazing, honestly. I'm so happy.

I know this might seem really surprising and confusing because of my previous posts but I guess that's a mix of the lockdown lows and its consequential emotions for both of us being expressed virtually with my anxieties, eating disorder history and deep rooted intimacy issues rearing their ugly heads to try and snatch my happiness and control.

His intensity and focus is undeniably a lot at times, but it's also understandable. Yes, he does talk to me about his feelings. Naturally, he has apprehensions about his imminent job security, too.
As you and I agreed, him and I both being back in full time work soon will give more of that natural balance to the relationship.
And now we're able to meet whenever I'm not working with the welcomed return of the sunshine and heat!

So worth going through the anxiety. Anxiety is always worse than the reality, I promise you that. The reality might not always be great - like today's meeting and my new job - but facing it reduces its impact in future. That said, nothing wrong in choosing not to endure it if it's impacting considerably on one's mental health. Wish I could follow my own advice more often than I do so, but slowly slowly. :)

My mum said she will hide the scales in her work so that if I do want to weigh, I have to ask her for the scales. I agreed with my therapist before the abrupt discharge that monthly weighing is ideal. My mum was okay with this.

I wish I had a magic wand, too. I was able today to genuinely compliment him on how he looked. I explained that I understood it was a positive thing for him that he felt good about and that I would have wanted to have been more positive about it with him, too. I said he looks great to me no matter what his weight, which is true. He didn't say much other than "thanks" and a smile in reply. He didn't mention it or bring it up. He complimented me a lot. :) I was also able to see without anorexic distortion that he was not emaciated and I was not ten stone more than I was a few days ago. :roll: I hope I explain the illness clearly enough (not that I see it my illness anymore, thank you very much! :D ) as I know it might seem a bit..... Uh, complex? :|

Thank you re the care job. I'm loving chatting to the residents on the residential unit and wish the position was for this unit, but the nursing units will definitely be a challenge that will keep me motivated and interested! Worst case scenario, it's not for me. At least I will know, having tried. Nothing ventured nothing gained. :)

Totally with you re shopping. Not a pleasurable past time of mine anyways. Plus everything can pretty much be bought online these days. Safe shopping. Queues were baffling, I agree.

I could ring the care co, yeah. To be honest, I feel far away from needing the mental health services and have done since I met the guy and got the job. The thought would have been nice if she had called sooner though.

Good news that you like the psychologist and that she will be checking in on you monthly. Likewise, could you call her if you wanted to chat?

I'm sorry to hear that your GP is retiring, but very positive news that she wants to keep in touch. Please do take her up on this offer. She may prove an even better source of support as a friend than a GP so this is really good news on that front. Could you call her and ask if she could hand you over to another GP that she personally feels would be best suited to your needs? Could you also request that she hands over the information regarding your history and relationship so that your next GP knows without you needing to talk it all through again unless you wanted to? I'm sure your current GP would be more than happy to do this.

Also, please know that you can change your GP if you are not satisfied. When I was relapsing into anorexia, one known-to-be arrogant GP was very sarcastic. Another one almost aggressively challenged me about why I was claiming the measly amount of employment support allowance when I was weeks away from hospital admission. His insensitivity made me cry!
So then I switched GPs when I was discharged from hospital and she was amazing and a massive source of support. So please remember that other nice people and supportive GPs are out there!

Mild or severe, it is still abuse. I will reiterate that my late grandmother really came into her own when she left my grandfather. Before hand, he controlled her movements and if she went anywhere beyond this (like church or stayed with a family member or friend for longer than planned) he accused her of having an affair. When she moved away, aged 69, she started traveling and went travelling for the first time ever on her own to a place in Bosnia. During the last eleven years of her life, she went to this place in Bosnia she fell in love with 21 times! I'm not saying leave your partner and go to Bosnia, obviously. But you may find or remember who you are and become who you want to be.

Obviously, people see the real you beyond the damage your partner has done. For one, I am pleased we have met on this forum and I look forward to receiving your posts. Your GP clearly cares a lot for you and wants you to be happy. Your boss genuinely supports you out of care, respect and admiration for who you are and how you work.

Try to keep avoiding the news. Distraction is always helpful. What sort of things do you like doing that make you feel good? However simple, do more of these. Personally, scenic walks with blasting upbeat music in my headphones helps me, feeding the ducks relaxes me, chatting with positive people, enjoying the sunshine, painting totally engrosses me, bubble baths relax me.

I do apologise for my novelistic post! :lol: I hope it is mostly coherent. I'm typing it on my phone. I cracked my phone screen pretty badly the other day by accidentally dropping it so texting is tricky. :lol:

I hope this week brings you peace, positivity and productivity.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it. xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed Jun 24, 2020 10:29 am


I am so, so pleased that you had such an amazing day. Couldn’t have wished for a better result.

It definitely sounds like you’re getting some balance back and he is clearly really into you which makes me happy for you.

What are your next plans with him? Do you think you’d venture to the cinema or something once they open?

I don’t think we will. We had quite a few shows booked this year and most have been cancelled. We have 3 left for later in the year but I can’t see them happening. One was to take my niece to see the Lion King so I’ll be gutted if that gets cancelled but I do expect it to.

You’re dead right about the anxiety being worse than the reality. About 20 years ago I did the Princes Trust course and we had to really push ourselves. Our team leader was a fireman and he told me that the fear is always worse than the doing and I do try to remember that but as we both know, anxiety is a strong, powerful ‘thing’ and hard to fight but you did just that and look at the result – so proud of you.

You do explain anorexia really well, I really get a feel for what goes on in your thoughts – sounds like a constant battle with an evil inner voice that shouts a lot.

I can’t call the psychologist but I can call my care co – always find that hard though, like I’m being a nuisance. I’m glad you don’t ned CMHT services, puts you in a stronger place.

My GP has just rung – felt a bit rushed to be honest so didn’t get to discuss her recommendation for a different GP but I think I know who I’ll move to. It is lovely that she wants to stay in touch – no idea why though. She said she would text me in a couple of weeks about going out.

You make a really good point about changing GPs – I’m lucky that I’ve never felt the need to do that but I would if I felt it was wrong. In my surgery, there are about 4 GPs so I have a choice at the moment.
I can’t believe how badly you were treated by GPs, - they’re obviously in the wrong job if they think talking to someone like that is acceptable. Makes me so angry.

Your grandmother sounds like an amazing woman – doing all that travelling is incredible for anyone, let alone someone of that age.

I keep trying to ignore what’s going on at home so I don’t have to tackle it. I know that sounds ridiculous but I really don’t have the energy or the self-belief to do anything about her. She has a habit of saying ‘you never….’ So I never close a cupboard door, it’s always the word ‘never’ and she is wrong with the statement anyway but I don’t feel I can mention it.

I did sit in the garden last night and read for a bit. It was lovely and peaceful and one of my cats joined me on the other garden chair. I do know that I need to find more things that relax me. I’m still doing pilates but find it more frustrating because of how limited I am with my shoulder. I have to be careful that I don’t blame myself for being weak etc when I know it’s a physical problem.

Never apologise for long posts – I love them. I always look out for them and look forward to reading them.

Are you working much this week? I hope it’s not too hot for you. I work in the dining room which is cool in summer but freezing in the winter.

Hope you have a great week

Much love xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby markspencer672 » Thu Jun 25, 2020 12:39 pm

Buddy life is important. If you have life, you can do whatever you want to do. But after that, you will make your people sad.. nothing else. I have seen this many times. People opt for suicide. But please don't do that. If you ever feel so, do contact me here by PM. We will talk about this. I have already overtaken depression.

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sun Jun 28, 2020 6:00 pm

Hey M!

How are you?

Aw thank you. We've since had another really lovely day together.

Although, unfortunately I am just at the tail end of a spectacularly crap weekend.
It started Friday. My supervisor made a vulgar joke, colleagues laughed/fake laughed, and she directed at me for no reason: "Sorry Em, close your ears". The assumption made by her that I was too delicate to hear a rude joke (that incidentally, wasn't even funny) bothered me. I obviously give off the boring, sheltered life vibe. It felt like the playground and I was noted as the odd one out. I know I'm probably being very oversensitive but I don't like being singled out when I didn't even bring it on myself.

This triggered me to thinking, "I'm not going to fit in here". The staff where I will be working are mostly loud, very confident characters. I will (fact) be very out of my depth and fear being an inconvenience. I want more hours and I like it here but I don't think I'm ready for care.

So I'm not sure whether to go through with the induction (starting tomorrow). Sensible-me says I'm not ready. Not-wanting-to-fail-me guilts me about copping out. :roll:

My options are pull out now before they put me through the training or complete the four-day training, online learning and shadow shifts and then decide. Second option is the sensible one, I know.

Cleaning is nice. I work alone but as part of a team. I have responsibility for my own duties and nobody bothers me. I'm not isolated though because I come into contact with staff and residents throughout all of the home. I just wish there were more hours. It's very hot cleaning. They keep the heating on no matter what. Glad you're working in a cool environment though.

Yesterday was fine and I was planning to meet up with the guy again. I was anxious because he wanted me to meet his mum and also to have a meal in the garden with them. Anxious but not to the extent that I wouldn't go. Anyways, in the evening he had a photo sent to him by a friend that was taken a few months ago and made a huge thing about how much weight he's lost. He repeated how it was a "good thing" which triggered a lot of difficult memories and negative core beliefs in me. I pretended my wifi cut out because my eyes were filling with tears.

He later knew he'd upset me and said he'd forgot. Fair enough. But it impacted on me a lot. Even if I lost weight, I'd still feel the same. I'd never be "thin enough". I can't have my low self worth being triggered like this. So I didn't go today and it was supposed to be his birthday meal and now I look like a b*tch for cancelling two days in a row (yesterday I cancelled because of a mishap with my mother - that's another story. :roll: ) because for years he's been alone on his birthday and he went to a lot of effort for today.

He said he wants to really help me with this anxiety and my insecurities. I really do like this guy and have since felt really sad for not going. Ah. The guilt/depression aftermath of anxiety. So today has been a sleepy day-in-bed day. Soon I'll shower and "get out of the grump". Soon could also be tomorrow.

I don't think we'll venture to such places quite yet either. That's a shame about the shows. I love musical theatre. But such events will be postponed and thus something to look forward to in the future.

A constant battle with an evil inner voice that shouts a lot. Spot on.

You're not a nuisance. Sometimes I wish they'd call us more often just to check-in so that we don't feel like nuisances having to ask for support. But don't let their lack of contact stop you from reaching out.

Yeah, not much the cmht can do for me anymore. Just the eating disorder team so I can finish the relapse prevention work.

Is there any way you could contact your GP to discuss the recommendation? Or has she retired yet? I'm sure she'll move you onto a GP she feels will help you most without you having to ask. Besides, I'm sure at least one out of the remaining four will suit your personal needs well.

I can think of many reasons why. :) She obviously likes you and sees good qualities in you that she desires in a friendship. That's lovely that she wants to stay in touch.

Ignoring the problem to avoid dealing with it doesn't sound ridiculous at all. I spent the day in bed. My hideaway.

When your partner says "you never....", would you feel comfortable to respond by saying "I mostly/often/usually do". It is subtly correcting her unfair and untrue statement without confrontation and it puts YOU back in control.

I hope it's okay that I say this and I apologise if I'm way off. With my mother, I always used to apologise and respond to her criticism or comments by "correcting" my actions and striving for the unattainable. Saying "sorry" constantly reinforced that I was at fault and putting in way too much effort for trivial things reinforced that I was inadequate. So I stopped (it was hard and took time) apologising and I allowed myself to make mistakes and put enough, some or not enough effort into things (mostly house work/chore related in my case). I don't know if this is the case with you but I thought I'd share just in case we shared some similarities.

Otherwise, could you take this approach? Say your partner says "you never close the cupboards", could you then open some/all the cupboard doors in the house and when she obviously reacts to this, say neutrally "Oh. That must have been me. Closing cupboard doors is something I never do".
I understand that sarcasm might be confrontational and that this wouldn't work.

Humour can work sometimes. So, if she says "you never close the cupboard doors" could you respond positively with "I always leave them open!". Saying something unexpected in a cheery way might cut through the tension, lighten the mood and take her by surprise. Just a thought.

I'm sad to hear that you feel lacking in energy and self-belief. Maybe a new approach could help?
I hope so. I'm rooting for you.

Reading in the garden with your cat sounds lovely and peaceful. It's great that you know that you need to find more things that relax you. Please explore this.

I'm impressed by your efforts to keep up the pilates even though you are in discomfort. The very fact that you are still trying to exercise in spite of your pain shows that you are actually very strong, determined and motivated! Not weak at all. :)
Could you reframe it as "my shoulder is currently weak, but will get better" rather than a negative self evaluation "I am weak". ?

Phew. Glad you like the long posts. I don't seem to do short ones. :lol:

Oh, and another spot of news. I got onto a course in mental health nursing starting March 2021. :)

Hope you have a good week.

Much love! xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:29 am

Thanks markspencer672,

Even at my very lowest, I've always had hope. I'm in a better place these days but with positive change comes anxiety.
I'm glad you've got yourself in a good place. Stay strong. X

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:44 am

Quick update.

I withdrew from the care assistant position. It was causing me too much anxiety.
I've told the training provider and recruitment. Apparently I still have to do part of the training for being a domestic. I also should contact my manager but feel too anxious about doing so. Cleaning shifts don't make me anxious. At least that's one anxiety removed which I'll feel the benefit of soon in a few days I'm sure.

The most significant (and only other) cause of my anxiety over the last two months and at present is my partner's weight loss. My mind's interpretation of this is affecting my self esteem and mood. I'm reducing my food intake which my mother is fully aware of and thus watching me like a hawk.

I'm going to see him today with his birthday presents. My mood is flat but I've managed to get myself into a good enough place to put someone I care about before my stupid anxieties. Lots of negative thoughts though. "I'm a bad person", "I'm rude", "I treat people like shit", "I don't deserve him", "I look ugly/scruffy/stupid/childish/fat" blah blah blah. I'm getting on my own nerves.

I misplaced my debit card and face mask for the bus and my bedroom looks like a tornado hit it. I made my bus and then he missed his! :lol: Five minutes into my journey and I had a text from the ex-boyfriend (the one with the overpowering dad and who I bizarrely almost moved in with!) Anyways! I hope your week has gotten off to a better start than mine.

Hugs xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Jun 29, 2020 4:11 pm


I am sorry things went they the way they did and after such a lovely day last week – makes it feel worse doesn’t it?

I have a couple of friends who still say things like ‘close your ears’ or even apologise when they’ve sworn or said something rude and I think its because I don’t tend to do either of those things in front of the majority of people. I think then they think (lots of thinking going on!) that I never do it and are therefore offended by it. It does feel odd to hear others say it but I’ve got better at not assuming they think I’m a drippy wallflower.

You do fit in there – you’re all still getting to know each other better and maybe she thought she would look bad for the comment and was trying to cover herself rather than it being a reflection on what she thought about you.

I think you’ve done the right thing with the care position – you’ve made giant strides starting a new job and maybe that’s enough for now. Take your time and look after you. Cleaning suits you better, for now anyway and I totally get that. When I left high school I did a cleaning role in the school and I loved the fact I was on my own for the majority of it. I got on with the other women and liked having the odd cup of coffee with them but I preferred the not having to deal with people side of it. A few months later on I went for another cleaning job in a hotel and they said there was a lot of working with others and I didn’t pursue it – so I do understand

The fella/weight issue is a really difficult one. I get that people forget but that’s a huge thing to forget and I would worry that he wasn’t getting just how important it is to you. You’re dead right – you can’t have your self-worth triggered like that. I get that losing weight is important to him and that’s OK for him, but not for you. Please don’t be harsh on yourself – you HAVE to look after yourself and its not like you’re dismissing him or being cruel, you’re making decisions for your self –care.

Take your time, stay in bed, do what feels right for you for you, a shower can wait.

I really hope you can make things work with him but I honestly think that things have to change somehow for it to be a healthy relationship for you. Its lovely that he wants to help you with your anxiety and insecurities but he has to understand that his weight loss just heightens them. Wish I had an answer for you.

How did it go with him? You’re none of those things, that is your brain trying to play tricks on you and its very convincing.

Hope things are OK with your Mum.

Had a chat with my care co this morning and was probably the most open I’ve been. Its just frustrating that he can’t actually help with any of the stuff that’s going on in my head.

My GP left last week. I can’t decide whether I arrange to speak to a new one quite soon to have a chat (waste of an appointment?) or wait until I have a need but then is that too late to start getting to know one?? I don’t know.

I am aware that I apologise too often but not as often I have in the past. Plus, apologising for just the sake of it tends to infuriate her and make things a lot worse. I will try to do the ‘it must have been, I quite like that one, not aggressive but makes the point. I’ll let you know how it goes. What does annoy me is that there are things she never does, like put the empty cat food sachet in the bin – but I would never dream of commenting on it or I’d get my head bitten off and it would start something I couldn’t then control.
I also like your reframing of my shoulder issue. I do have a bad habit of personalising weaknesses even though I know I shouldn’t be doing it and would always advise others to not do it – best advice not taken!!

I’m currently working with my little cat companion sat in his chair next to me. He is super-loving. I’m on leave next week and if its nice and I’ve not been given decorating duties, I’ll try to spend some time with him in the garden with a book. I’m sure I’ll have a long list of jobs to do though so not assuming it will happen.

I’ve started to rely on codeine again and not just for physical pain. Because of the shoulder pain, I’ve been given stronger pain killers and the temptation to take them for the mental pain has proven to be a bit too much. I know I need to be careful but its easier said than done.

Great news on the course – something to look forward to. You will make a huge difference to a whole new lot of people (you make a big difference to me already).

What did the ex want? That was a surprise!

You have had a very demanding few days – huge hugs to you and I really hope you’ve had a better day. I’ll be thinking of you.


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby prycejosh1987 » Sat Jul 18, 2020 7:23 pm

You could be being paranoid, address the issues you are facing and dont let them affect you. You have power to change your life and make it better. Good luck.

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Aug 12, 2020 4:03 am

Hi M! :)

I'm sorry I haven't written sooner. Just a quick checking in post to let you know I'm thinking of you. Writing to you has been on my mind these last few days so I hope that you're doing okay.

How are you? How have you been over the last couple of months? Have you been up to anything nice? :)

Is your shoulder better now?
How are things with your partner and work?

I hope you are well and look forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
Em xxx

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