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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Apr 01, 2020 9:49 am


You sound like you really need a big hug. *hugs*

I'm so sorry to hear about your dear grandma. I hope you and your family are as okay as you can be during this sad time. May she rest in peace.
Could you reschedule your appointment with the psychiatrist?

I'm sorry to hear that the situation with your work is triggering. Please don't berate yourself for your own personal worries. This unprecedented time is affecting all of us in different ways. Everything is relevant.

Remember that you are an expert in your field, experienced, knowledgeable, intelligent and competent. You are more than capable of being able to grasp this work successfully. The fact that you will be given new tasks to do highlights that your colleagues and boss have every faith in your ability.

It is entirely natural that anyone would feel apprehensive about undertaking work they've not done before. Your colleagues and boss will understand this. Allow yourself to make mistakes because it's totally okay to do so. Also, should you feel stressed, confused or frustrated, at least being at home nobody from your work will see or know this! :)

You are not useless. You are not pathetic. The fact that you now have no work of your own has no reflection on you. It is a matter of circumstance. You are a valued employee. Your boss looks out for you and respects your mental wellbeing.

Is there any work at all you could do in your field, even if it's just preparatory work? (Do forgive me if I am being totally ignorant about your profession and the work it entails!) If so, are there other activities that you could introduce into your day to break it up a bit?
I'm pleased to hear that you are enjoying pilates.

Does communicating over the phone and through skype cause you anxiety?

How are things with your partner now that you are spending more time at home?

Have you been in touch with your friends from the DBT group? You could set up a multiscreen video call with each other. Would that be something you would like to do?

Thanks for the suggestion re Joe Wicks. If I start exercising at home, my mum will be concerned and it will create unnecessary tension between us. :roll: I'll be alright once I can get back outside and take a daily walk. Plus my mum will be back working two days a week and I regard these as my 'days off' :lol: when I can indulge in being 'mental' skip lunch, take a long walk and eat whatever I want for dinner without her hawk eyes on me. :roll: :lol:
But it's okay. None of this is problematic. I'm more in control of anorexia than it is of me.

My dad is much better thanks and ready to get back to work tomorrow. We've not had the results so until then, my mum and I are stuck inside for a further seven days. :x :(
I'm finding the isolation really hard on my depression.

I have however, believe it or not, managed to find work amidst this pandemic. :o
I am awaiting online training and the necessary checks.

It's a health and social care assistant. A number of placements are available with children/adults/elderly with learning disabilities and/or mental health problems in residential/respite institutes, supported shared living complexes, individual's homes and (but not now) day centres. So something completely different.

Yes, our dates are virtual. :lol: But we're getting to know a lot about each other.
We have three hour video calls that feel so natural and easy. He makes me laugh to the point of almost crying. :lol:

Stay safe and keep well. My thoughts are with you for your grandma's funeral tomorrow.
Take care.

Love Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:41 am


Well done on securing a job - that is great news. Any idea when the training will start?

Sorry if I was being insensitive/ignorant about suggesting home exercise - I didn't think. I totally get why your mum would worry. It sounds like you are in a better place with the anorexia - you do sound more in charge of it than it is of you which is brilliant - you show amazing strength.

The virtual dates are definitely working for you - he sounds lovely and if he makes you laugh then that is the best thing :D. Is he working at the moment?

The funeral yesterday was odd - there were just 4 family members and 2 pastoral visitors who used to see my Grandma in the home she was in (they are also friends of her daughter). It felt very wrong to be there without my mum, dad and sister and crying alone at a funeral was awful. There will be a proper wake at some point in the future.

There is some prep work I can do on my area of work but not much. I can also do some general tidying up of pc folders, emails etc but none of it will keep me going until my work properly returns in September.

Part of me thinks I could do some of the other work but the fear of failing and letting people down causes that much anxiety that I go into melt down and then can't think straight. AT that moment, I can't access any of the skills I've learnt either - its so frustrating.

Skype really freaks me out and I'm not good on the phone either. I do it when I have to and on the whole I manage OK but it scares me. I feel more on the spot with that kind of communication.

The DBT group have a group messenger thing and we keep in contact that way. It varies as to how much its used though. I might suggest a facetime thing.

The psych rang me and after the nightmare he caused me over my last prescription (he prescribed buspirone, told my GP to take over prescribing once I was on the max dose then denied that and said it was only ever meant to be short term. My GP continued to prescribe because psych never told her not to) he asked if I was still on it and I admitted it and he said 'good'!! He is also now adding in trazadone in a morning. That's a new one for me. Fingers crossed it makes a difference.

This isolation business is just awful for mental health isn't it? When we need to keep busy to manage it, now we can't.

Hope you're OK - thanks for the hugs (it was definitely much needed) - here is one for you ((()))

Love Mx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Mon Apr 06, 2020 2:32 pm

Hiya M,

How are you doing? :)

I'm waiting on further correspondence with regards to the job.
Obviously, it wouldn't be right by me, my prospective colleagues and the clients we cared for should I start a job with minimal training and no experience at this precarious time when the services are stretched. So that limits me because of the personal care aspect of some roles.

There were some admin positions but because I don't drive, and with the limited public transport now, I can't confirm a reliable lift. The manager said if there was a job in her department she would have given it to be there and then! :lol:
She was really keen to get me on board and so is making a few calls before replying to me later this week. Should it not happen now, I will understand. There will be opportunities once this lockdown has passed.

No need whatsoever to apologise. :) xx

I'm sorry to hear about the distress and upset of your Grandma's funeral. I was thinking of you especially on that day. The proper wake in the future will give an opportunity to rightly celebrate the life of your dear Grandma with your loved ones. I hope you are okay. *Hugs*

How has work been? Any skype/phone call experiences?

Did you suggest the facetime with the DBT group yet?

Woah, what's up with the psych messing up the buspirone prescription? But for your GP to continue prescribing it to you long-term, it is obviously safe to do so. Does the buspirone help?
I hope the trazadone has a beneficial impact. How are you feeling on it so far?

Yep! I've had some really, really shitty days but the weekend was much better.
The man I'm, er, dating? sent me some paints when I simply mentioned that I couldn't find any in stock online! So sweet! So I'm currently awaiting two blank canvases, an "adult" colouring book of The Nightmare Before Christmas and a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle of lots of different pretty doors (my "lockdown" sense of humour). Otherwise it's crosswords and getting square eyes from series and films! :lol:

How are things with your partner?

Still no test back here either. :roll: But Wednesday I will be free to stretch my legs! Should exercise not be forbidden thanks to selfish people who've been out socialising. (cue rant.... :x :roll: )

What have you been up to? :)

I hope you are doing as well as you can be.

Much love, Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Apr 06, 2020 4:03 pm


That's a shame about the job but at the moment, it does make perfect sense. Fingers crossed the admin work gets somewhere. I know we have people who can't work from home who are having issues with public transport because its so limited in some places.

Work for me is pretty quiet at the moment but with a constant threat of work coming my way - my anxiety isn't managing that very well. I have done something today (proof-reading a document for my manager) that I was able to do and add some value (not a lot but some). I was asked if I wanted to do overtime this Easter - I said no. They couldn't say what it would be doing but that's all irrelevant when I can't manage anything that I don't normally do. Any training would be a rush job and I'd be terrified of getting it wrong. I need the break from work, from waking up full of dread. I skyped my manager on Friday - its a regular thing in our diaries now. Still don't like it but getting used to it with her.

A few weeks ago I started counselling through work but after 2 sessions she had to take a break due a bereavement (totally understandable). She has been back in tough and we start again on Thursday but over the phone. Not ideal but I'm hoping it will help to some degree.

The buspirone helps with palpitations which were a real problem. I had my heart checked and it was fine so obviously just another anxiety symptom. I've not started the trazadone yet - normally I would have been handed the prescription there and then but he has to send it to my GP for them to prescribe to my chemist. he said to chase it on Wednesday. I'm expecting to feel a bit drowsy when I first start on it and I have to take it in the morning so might need to rejig my hours a bit at first.

Bless him for sending the paints - very thoughtful and kind. The jigsaw sounds great. We did think about getting one but I've commandeered the dining room table for work and we don't have anywhere else suitable to do it. Plus the cats would think it was great fun to play with the pieces.

We're getting on OK thanks. I'm trying to be a bit more open about my anxiety and she in turn is trying to be more supportive. I'm grateful for how we are getting on - a few weeks ago it would have been more difficult to cope with her.

I normally go to my parents for tea on a sunday so yesterday I made mine then took it round to theirs and sat outside on the patio to eat it whilst they sat in the dining room with the patio doors open so we could chat. It worked well but only when we have decent weather.

I'm going to start on the Killing Eve series on iplayer. Loved it first time round and its due back on next week so want to revisit that. Its hard to find decent things to watch and we both have different tastes in programmes so we have loads taped but we don't then want to watch the same stuff.

We did a bit of gardening as well over the weekend - I feel a bit lost in it to be honest. Its a big garden (too big really) and I never know where to start. I'm alright once I've been given a task though.

Wednesday isn't far off now - have you planned your walk? I can't believe how stupid people are being about going out - they clearly don't get it, think they're invincible or are just stupid - maybe all 3.

Hope you're doing OK. Are things OK with your Mum?

Huge hugs


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:41 am


Quite right. Should I hear anything, I will keep you posted of course. :)

Re. work, keep focusing on the small day to day achievements. It doesn't matter how small or basic they may sound. "Some" value is still value, after all. Remember that you are doing the best you can in the situation you are in. Nobody has expressed concerns about your work other than your own negative inner voice. I think it's good that you declined overtime. Also, good on you for sticking with the skype despite it feeling uncomfortable. It will get easier with time.

I'm really pleased to hear that you and your partner are getting on better. It sounds to me like you are using your time very effectively. I wish I was into gardening. It looks so therapeutic and creative. I'd probably be alright if I was given a specific task though, too!

I've not yet seen Killing Eve. Doctor Foster was a good series with the same actress in it.

I'm glad that the buspirone helps and I hope the new meds are effective when you get the prescription too.
That's positive that your therapy continues, albeit on the phone. I wish you all the very best for Thursday.

How lovely that you spend time with your parents in this way! This made me smile. Long may the Sunday teatime sunshine continue! Could you alternate your visits during this time in accordance with the weather forecast though?

I'll probably go down towards the quiet non-tourist beach and walk through the quiet dune/greenery area just beside it. I'm thinking it will be good because it won't be shut off (the beach might be?), it's very spacious and it's a more isolated area but still very open so it's safe.

Things with my mum are mostly fine now. She's very upset naturally because she can't she her five grandchildren with Easter and their birthdays coming up or she can't see my severely disabled sister who has no comprehension of coronavirus or isolation. So I'm obviously cutting her some slack for her mood swings and incessant nagging. But I know I need to ensure I don't get sucked in and that her mood doesn't drag me down. So I keep my distance, stop asking if she is okay and don't unnecessarily apologise. This is difficult for me but I am really committed to sticking to it today. Self preservation!!

Thanks for the huge hugs! Right back at ya! Stay safe and well, Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Apr 14, 2020 12:38 pm


How are you? Did you have a good Easter? I know it probably wasn't any different than any other day but I wanted to ask!

Any news on the job?

I spent a lot of time gardening, under supervision of course :D Stripping wallpaper was another option and I really don't want to start doing that so digging up weeds filled many hours.

I saw my parents again yesterday for tea - it was pretty cold so only lasted an hour and a half but it was lovely.

How is your exercise going?

Work continues to be a huge anxiety trigger, this week more than most as my manager is off all week and I have to do some work that she would normally do. Its really freaking me out.

I picked up the trazadone over the weekend so I've had it twice. I'm waiting on a call back from my care co because I'm sure the psych said to take it in the morning but the instructions say at night. I even wrote it down so now I'm waiting on some clarification. I'm still waiting on that magic drug that will take away this anxiety but then aren't a lot of people.

I've started to rewatch Killing Eve - I do love it. Jodie Comer is amazing in it.

Any dates this weekend?

Hope you're doing OK

Huge hugs ((())))


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat May 09, 2020 10:46 am

Hiya M! :D

Sorry I've been so pants at replying! How are you doing?

Anymore (supervised ;) ) gardening and Sunday tea visits with your parents?
We've certainly been very fortunate with the glorious weather for this.
Did you get onto the wallpaper stripping? I hope you've been finding some enjoyable and productive things to pass the lockdown days.

How are you feeling on the trazadone now? I hope it is proving beneficial for you.

How is working from home going? And things with your partner?

So many questions! :lol:

I am well thank you. Easter was.... yeah, like any other day, but thanks for asking. I've since stopped with the online church streaming. Something I should get around to but probably won't. :roll:

So the social care job regarded the covid-19 situation and felt that my experience was insufficient. Totally reasonable. I have finally found work and I am awaiting a start date once the pre-employment checks come back. It was for an assistant carer but by the time my interview came around, the positions had been filled (!?!? Bad organisation :lol: ) so they offered me relief kitchen assistant work. Now I know it's kitchen but it's a foot in the door to a large care company. I know the manager well as well as two staff members there and it could lead to further training in the care home and/or positions outside of the elderly care sector such as mental health, homelessness and learning disability in supported living settings. That said, I've not told my mother dearest I'll be donning my chef whites again. :roll: Just have to hope I come home smelling more medicinal than aromatic and more of bodily fluids than garlic and grease. :lol:

I can't remember if I told you that I applied for university....? I didn't get into mental health nursing for which there was a bursary for all tuition fees and living costs. I am awaiting one other uni for this course. I got my other offers but, after much thought, it's just not financially achievable for many reasons. However, there is a course locally (which is near unheard of in my little quiet retirement town!) where you can train and become a certified counsellor. It's part time over two years, with 100 supervised hours of counselling clients, workshops and lectures/classrooms to attend once a week/fortnight. It's affordable and I've been offered a place for this September.

There's also the option to do another A Level part time over two years which would increase my chances of getting into mental health nursing. But I'm yet to decide this currently.

I'm enjoying the daily walk and I'm pleased that we will most likely be able to exercise more frequently outside soon too. We've been on some lovely scenic walks. How about yourself?

Turns out I can refer back to the eating disorder service to complete my four relapse prevention sessions after this if I want to. I've not heard from the CMHT once, even when my mother called them and asked my CPN to call me. :roll: No biggie though, I'm coping more than fine. It's a bit off that she hasn't made any contact but whatever.

The virtual romance :roll: :lol: is going well. We've shared with each other the most deep and personal things from our lives and have covered all the "taboo" type subjects like politics, religion, perception of life and life goals, money, ethics.... Plus I've disclosed to him my complex issues around physical intimacy (long story, I am 99.9% sure I could identify as "asexual", the only reason it isn't 100% is because I don't know if this is due to past trauma and longstanding anorexia or if I would have felt this way anyways. Basically, being deeply honest, I never ever want to have sex or do anything sexual and I know for an absolute certain that I will never let anyone do anything to me, and that I will never have sex or give birth. Kissing is tolerable, nice sometimes, but in small doses. Lockdown loverboy loved kissing when we met, silently I can't be arsed but would never let on obviously. :lol: I am a big fan of the cuddle and hug and I like holding hands and the odd peck on the cheeks or lips. That would all be sufficient for me. I love children and would be happy to adopt.)

Anyways. A bit of T.M.I for you there. :lol: I've told him my apprehensions but perhaps not as clearly as what I've outlined above. So, I owe it to him to be completely 100% honest because he's a lovely person and I like him a lot. He also frequently makes me almost cry with laughter. :lol:

Things with my mum are generally good. I had a lockdown makeover though and cropped my hair really short and funky. Okay, it's a tad wonky but considering I'm not a hairdresser and I did it myself, it looks pretty good! Someone even said it looks professional. ;) My mother said I had hair like a "man" which really hurt my feelings. She saw me cutting my hair in the bath and said "I guess I have to be grateful to come home to a bath of hair rather than a bath of blood!" when I only cut it in the bath to minimise mess. I'm different now though in that I don't apologise excessively and I tell her when she's upset me. She, finally, came around unprompted and apologised for the bath comment and her overreacting. Finally, she admitted the "man" comment was rude and is trying to think before she opens her gob.

I hope you and your family are keeping safe and well.

Huge hugs right back at ya! :D

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon May 11, 2020 12:28 pm

Hi, great to hear from you, I was getting worried.

Yes, plenty of very supervised gardening and a few tea trips to Mum and Dad. Finding it all more difficult now then I was at the start. I think it’s the uncertainty of how things will ever get back to ‘normal’.

We had a very lazy bank holiday – just sat in the sun reading. I’ve hurt my shoulder and its stopping me from doing some of the more heavy duty jobs in the garden. We even had a lovely afternoon tea on VE day 8-) . Back to work now and I’m back to that overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety – hate it.

The trazadone doesn’t seem to be making any difference. I speak to my care co every fortnight so when I speak to him on Monday, I’ll see if he will ask the psych how long I need to leave it to start to make a difference. He might increase it but when I first started it, it was knocking me out so I had to set my alarm for 4.30 to take it so by the time I got up at 7.30 I’d slept through the worst of it. We’ll see. I’m also waiting on a call from the CMHT’s psychologist but I’ve been waiting a while now.

I hate working from home. I am very grateful that I can but I feel very alone. Things aren’t too bad with my partner.

Great news on the job. Like you said, it’s a way into the company and could lead to something else at some point. It will help break up the days as well. Is it full time?

University – wow. Sorry you didn’t get the course you wanted though. The counselling one sounds great. Its something I’ve thought about but don’t feel in the right place to go through training and then support somebody else. Will you be able to work around the course? The A level sounds like a plan as well. Its clear that the mental health nursing is something you really want so if the A level helps you get there, then its good. What WA level is it?.

I'm enjoying the daily walk and I'm pleased that we will most likely be able to exercise more frequently outside soon too. We've been on some lovely scenic walks. How about yourself? I’ve been walking a bit – about 30 minutes a day and I’ve found a couple of footpaths that I didn’t know about. I am enjoying it, just me and the sounds of the birds – lovely. Do you go with your Mum or on your own?

Its poor that your CPN didn’t ring back. I know they are busier than normal at the moment but to not even ring isn’t acceptable. She doesn’t know that you’re coping OK so she should be checking in with you. Its good that you can self refer – do you think you will?

Brilliant news about the romance. I’m glad you’ve been able to be so honest with him. That’s a huge step. Was he OK with the physical intimacy stuff? To be honest, I prefer hugs and cuddles. I don’t see sex as a huge factor in a relationship (good job really ;) ) but I know for some its huge. I bet you’d make you’d make a great mum to a child – you sound like a natural.
The laughter bit is so important.

Your Mum doesn’t sound the most tactful of people! My partner can be blunt sometimes and I never get an apology so I just have to hope she thinks about it afterwards. Some people just don’t have a filter do they???

Please keep in touch - I do enjoy reading your posts and knowing how things are going.

Take care


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri May 15, 2020 4:32 pm

Just wrote a lovely long message to you.... only for it not to send! Now I've lost the whole thing!
D'oh! :roll: :lol:

Just letting you know I am thinking of you. I hope you are keeping well and that your shoulder is easing. I will write again soon. Big hugs!

Em xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat May 16, 2020 3:46 pm

Hiya! :D

Okay! Take two. This time I'll be sure to save the message before I send it.

How are you doing? How is your shoulder?

Nice to see some real positives shining through in your post - gardening, tea trips, sunshine, afternoon tea and nice walks.

Did work always cause you an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety before lockdown?
I ask this because I am feeling this way with regards to starting work again and so I would really love to have any advice on how you overcome the negative thoughts and feelings and push through work. This strength and resilience is something that always impresses me in others.

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding working from home tough. For how much longer do you think it will be? Or is that like asking "how long is a piece of string?" :? I'm reassured to see that you are staying positive about the fact that you are still able to work however. The uncertainty of when is very frustrating and gets me down sometimes, too. But we have to hold onto the hope that what is certain is that things will (although at some unknown point) get better.

I'm sorry to hear that the trazadone isn't helping. I hope you get some clarity on how long it takes to work when you speak to your care co on Monday. Is there something else they could prescribe?
Could you call the cmht and chase up the psychologist? It's sad that we have to do this, but it's important that we still seek out the help we need and deserve.

Glad you are enjoying walking. Your walks do sound very calming and therapeutic. I love feeding the ducks and walking around the pond most of all. I also paddled in the sea on VE day which was very soothing. :) I go either with my mum, dad, both or alone.

I start Tuesday as a domestic. Then I will work in the kitchen so I can pick up shifts in both areas. It's zero hours but hopefully I'll get a decent amount. I'm very nervous about it. Lots of negative thoughts resurfacing like "I'm a freak/idiot/boring loser", "The sight of me is embarrassing because I look like a child and nobody will take me seriously, I look like a little boy with a stupid haircut and everyone will be shocked and laugh at me because I've gained a massive amount of weight (I haven't)", /"I'm shit/stupid/incompetent/inadequate/useless/pathetic/worthless", "I'll be excluded/rejected/mocked/disliked" and "what's the point?/I can't be arsed". :cry:

But the more I do it, the easier it gets. Damn anxiety. :roll:

Yes, I could work around the course. If I did an A Level, I would choose history. CBT is what I'm passionate about. Namely helping those who feel inadequate and worthless to know that they are of real worth and that they are at least good enough. Pot calling the kettle black here, I know..... :roll: But CBT is something that has proved effective in my own life. That said, I've just started revisiting it. I feel my self-esteem has taken a nose dive whilst anxiety and dread are flying up high.

I probably will self-refer, yeah. I mean, I'll have my mother (chief constable of the food police :roll: :lol: ) on my back about it. But also I owe it to myself after three years of relentless tenacity in getting them to finally submit their reluctance to help me, only to be fobbed off with a discharge having only three or four sessions to go.

He was very understanding about the physical stuff. He said (hypothetically!) that he's happy to wait for me until after marriage for sexual intimacy. He said if by then I feel sex and childbirth isn't something I feel capable of or desire then we will address it then and it will be okay.
He still wants to be with me after all I've told him so I have to just accept that. He has a very mature and understanding attitude.

Yeah.... my mum's comments have knocked me back recently. Yesterday, she said (of my new job) "I see a person who can do everything from their bedroom where the world is your oyster. You can apply for as much as you like and go for loads of interviews without having to do anything. Lockdown suits you. If you don't overcome your anxiety then lockdown will be over and you will still be stuck here doing nothing.

She's blunt enough to wipe the grin off a Cheshire cat's chops and delivers some harsh home truths like a double-sided slap in the face. :shock: :cry:

But I needed to hear it. She's right. It's safe here thinking about what I can do. Doing it is when things get scary. My anxiety and insecurities have resurfaced. This was something I had GOTTEN OVER! I'm going to write a big list of ALL the positives about my job and WHY I want to do it because (take away the anxiety bullshit negative thoughts) and I really do want to do it! Plus many things! :x

My mum's made some deflating comments recently....I've recently bought myself new clothes and gave myself a lockdown hairdo. ;) I feel a bit crap about myself and wanted to make myself feel better by looking nice and treating myself. Anyways, she said a new top looked like a "football jersey", that my shoes were like "Coco the Clown" and that my hair is "like a man" and "ruined". :?

She also, albeit jokingly, calls my paintings (which admittingly are wacky/very wacky) that I've mostly made as gifts, "creative junk". Cheers like. :|
I haven't baked since that one time I did so a month back for NHS staff. My mum made a massive thing out of me engaging in anorexic behaviours by feeding others and myself not eating. This actually wasn't the case. I was filling the time and trying to do something positive. Anyways, I'd rather not cook again. It's not worth the aggro.

I've tuned into a couple of church services and have enjoyed them so that was a plus. I've also seen a few friendly faces from my local church and have stopped for some socially-distanced chats whilst out on my walks so that's been really nice.

Look after yourself and keep me posted on how you are doing.

Much love,

Em xx

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