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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed Apr 21, 2021 11:20 am

Hi Em

Great to hear from you - I was worried.

How are things with work and the boyfriend?

Things with my partner are getting worse.

A couple of days after her outburst, after being all content and happy, she said that she felt a whole lot better since she said it all. I was livid - she'd gotten it off her chest and wanted to carry on like she'd never said it. I can't move on like that. Did she mean it? I think so.

Since then, things are deteriorating again. She is rude, verbally aggressive and says things to me that she knows will upset me. If it wasn't for the house and the debt I would be left with, I would be suggesting we go our separate ways but its just not that straight forward.

I don't think she does love me, I am just a convenience until my mental health pisses her off (sorry) then she thinks she can say what she wants, how she wants.

I'm off this afternoon to go for a walk with my GP friend. I'll see what she says. When I've spoken to my care co and psychologist, they've both said I should look at splitting up with her. Like I said, its not that easy.

I really hope you're OK.

Mx

caro
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Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:21 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby caro » Sat Apr 24, 2021 1:58 pm

Littleem, thank you for acknowledging me xx

littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Aug 25, 2021 10:09 pm

Hi @sosad,

I'm sorry for taking so long to write back. I hope you are keeping as well as you can be emotionally, physically and mentally. <3

How's life been for you with regards to your partner, parents, work, cmht and GP friend?

There's been a lot of change with me. I've moved location and into a place with my boyfriend. We've been here three months.
It's nice which is irritating because it was heavily his preference of place. :roll: Not living with my mother has been a massive weight off my shoulders. Although I do still feel I have to do things a certain way here. For instance, I do all my laundry separate and don't touch the tumble dryer out of fear of ruining his clothes or setting the house alight! :oops: :lol: He's waaaaay more into housework and buying décor. Guess I'm silently still pissed that he was so picky about where we would move and that this place was the only place he'd consider. :roll: His work is, ahem, at the end of the street.

We're happy together, for the most part. I basically live at work and have one day off. Funnily enough, I hate where I work. :lol:
It's a care home with a very bad history. The standard of care is shocking. Like, really bad. It depresses me being there and upsets me seeing the residents being treated so badly. :( I work in the kitchen and the staff are lovely. There's a lot of drama there though and some language barriers. I'm only contracted 25 hours so I up my hours by extra cleaning and laundry shifts.
Very limited training, no organisation, lazy staff, poor standards.

Initially, I was drinking a lot of alcohol to numb myself. I've stopped that and have turned to old anorexic habits. I've lost weight. My partner and mother are both on my case though. I've become more withdrawn. I'm not sociable with my family and have cancelled several plans. It would be a potch getting services on board and to be honest I don't think it would help anyways. I don't want to go backwards and I don't plan to, but I do feel that brain-dead, under a dark cloud feeling each day and just want to sleep life away.

We've got some nice things planned. I insisted we do more fun things. :) I need it! Two theatre shows, a night away in September, October and November. :D :lol: Covid just better not get back on the scene and halt our plans though!

I look forward to hearing from you. Take care of yourself.

Em x

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Aug 31, 2021 2:18 pm

Hi Em

SO great to hear from you.

I'm glad you've moved out from your mother's control and opinionated ways but sorry it wasn't into a place that you both chose together. How far from your Mum and your work are you? Did your Mum approve?

I am concerned....working somewhere that goes so against your own moral compass and values will just eat away at you. Are you looking for something else or you in that flat, resigned head space (that I know so well)?

More worrying is your overall head space and use of anorexic behaviour to manage it. I really think you need to at least speak to your GP about support and a potential referral to CMHT. I know you're probably rolling your eyes ( :roll: ) but it scares me that you're trying to manage all of this on your own (sorry, but I don't think you can get the right level of support from your boyfriend or mum). I worry for you and please don't tell me not too because I will anyway ;) .

Things have also moved on a lot for me. Back in early May, S lost the plot and told me she didn't love me, had her escape plan and knew what furniture she was taking. I cried (annoyingly) and told her I didn't know how to be the person she wanted me to be. She backed down surprisingly quickly and said that maybe her reaction was due to lockdown etc. It scared me so I started to look at finances etc. Start of June I went away with family for a few days and I just knew it would be a catalyst and I was right. I'd been home 2 days when she kicked off again and screamed in my face that we were to live separate lives from then on - I agreed. I went to my parents for tea as usual and told them we were going our separate ways. I tried to keep the language away from it being about us 'splitting up'. Long story short, she grabbed me by my jaw when trying to discuss how much I would buy her out with, she told me I could never live alone, that I will kill myself and she will provide the means, wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire... you get the picture. So now my parents know we were a couple for all of those years. I have some great support but I still feel incredibly alone when I'm in the house with her. We need to discuss the money again and I'm scared. I will ring the police if she touches me again.
I really hope doing fun things helps but please reach out for professional support.

Lots of love and hugs

Mx

littleem
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Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Sep 02, 2021 6:07 pm

Hello!

So lovely to hear from you too. :) I wasn't sure if I'd hear back as I know it had been a while between messages.

Whoa. I was shocked to hear about your current situation. :shock: Her behaviour is unacceptable and I'm so sorry to hear that you have had such trauma, violence and aggression inflicted upon you. Please know that you are fully within your right to report her abuse to the police now. Please, please do not wait until "the next time".

I was, however, relieved to hear that you have some great support around you. Don't worry about your parents knowing about your relationship. They're your parents who love, accept and support you. <3 Could they be with you when you next broach the subject of finances? Or someone from the cmht or your GP friend? Could you talk about this matter in a public place, like a quieter café, rather than enclosed at home?

It's a start that you've both cleared the air and decided to part ways. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be living in the same house after making this decision. You are an incredibly strong and resilient person.

How's work? Are you back in the office now or still working from home? Do you have the same manager or has she since moved on to a new job?

How's it going with the psychologist and your medication? Any updates on the treatment for your physical health? If I remember correctly, you were awaiting treatment for your hip? And is your shoulder feeling better?

How is your father's health? I remember you saying his health was suffering.

So I'm about a 50-minute drive from my mum which is 1-2 hours on public transport for me. My mum approves. She's just concerned about the low mood. I'm about a 25-minute walk from work. It's the same on public transport so I just walk.

So I did something I'm not particularly proud of this morning. I suspected my partner's mother didn't like me so sneaked a peak at his messages. I saw one saying "Em got nasty with me tonight, but it was a misunderstanding"(true, I was bitchy to him), to which she replied "you should call it a day". He said "we're okay now" and she replied "for now".
It confirmed my suspicions. I've already said to him that I'd understand if he didn't want to be with someone because of their issues. He doesn't seem to be in the same mindset as his mother. Stupid bitch. :oops: I'm bothered by it but obviously can't talk to him about it! He's taking my depression personally and thinking that I'm unhappy in our relationship and bored of him which I've assured him isn't true. I just hope I don't lose him because he's very close to his mother and follows what she says.

Yesterday, I didn't bother turning in for work. Told them I quit. Spent the day sleeping and crying. Felt worse than I have in a while. Then my boss messaged me and I've agreed to go back on less hours. Due in tomorrow.

I don't plan on going further into anorexia. It leads nowhere. I was discharged today from the cmht but will be for three years entitled to a faster assessment from the services when I self refer in my new locality.

Hopefully the reduced hours will give me more energy to do things in my free time. I just hope that the depression doesn't deteriorate but hopefully the changes I'm making will keep it at bay or even lift the mood.

Take care of yourself. Much love to you. X

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Sep 03, 2021 3:36 pm

Hi

I check in every now and again to see if you're posted and I was really pleased that you had - I've missed you :)

I'm getting support from a local domestic violence unit and my solicitor is also onboard and ready to act if need be. I got involved with a local LGBTQ group and the support worker there has been great. I know I could report it and I can't really explain what's stopping me but maybe I just can't cope with the fallout of it at the moment.

She got really hostile again yesterday and I think she went to a solicitor who has wound her up. I need to tread carefully but I think next week I will start the legal process of changing the basis of how we own the house so that if I was to die, the house wouldn't automatically go to her. I emailed her about it on Tuesday and she hasn't responded but I can do the process on my own (once I've worked out what the forms actually mean!)

I think my Dad wants to be involved with the money side of things since mum and dad paid so much into it. That will create a huge amount of conflict as she hates him and doesn't see that its anything to do with him.

I'm still working from home and there is no real sign of us going back in just yet. I am going in for 1 day with a couple of friends to work out where our desks are and where the loos are etc. Might start trying to go in every now and again after that when I can meet up with others I know. She does more or less stay out of my way when I'm working.

My Dad seems OK now he is on the right meds for his blood pressure. I've got my injection date for my hip in 3 weeks time and my shoulder is doing OK, not great, since it's injection but I can definitely do more with it and I can do pilates much better too.

I finish with my psychologist on the 20th September. I'm dreading it but we have had the 10 sessions and I don't think she can do much more. I'll still have contact with my care coordinator for a bit longer as they can see I need support whilst things are so bad with S. They are really pleased with me for doing what I'm doing .

Looking at his phone - I will also admit it is something I have done quite a bit with S. Like you, I'm not proud of it but sometimes we just need to know what is going on. I'm so sorry she said that - I do wonder if any girl will be good enough for her son though. I would find that difficult to sit with especially as you can't avoid her and her relationship with your boyfriend. Even harder that you can't discuss it with him. I found out a few things from her texts - she was very suspicious of me when I genuinely wasn't doing anything. She keeps leaving her date diary and I've worked out she does it on purpose - she'd put a note in it that said something about HER CBT/DBT/therapy and a list of negative and positive emotions about me and the situation and then at the bottom said 'See, I can do it too, keep out of my diary' - it made me laugh :D

I don't think he would be overly influenced by her where you are concerned, he clearly really cares about you and wants you to be happy and healthy.

Are you still on any meds? Do you think a change of meds would help? Your depression is definitely much worse than it has been and maybe new/different meds and a refresh of CBT might help?
I'm glad your boss didn't just accept what you said. Does she know you are struggling? Reduced hours is a positive thing and should just give you time to breathe and relax.

Please check in with someone - could you talk to your GP? I do think you could do with a bit of external help at the moment, if nothing else, to stop it getting any worse.

Please take care and keep in touch

love and hugs as always

Mx

littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat Sep 04, 2021 11:05 pm

Hiya!

I've missed you, too. I really enjoy our chats and find our messages helpful and supportive. :)

Okay, great. So I was relieved and pleased to see that you have some good support around you. Great that you got involved with the local LGBTQ group and I'm glad the support worker there is great. :)

Whilst I can't begin to imagine the complexity and turmoil of your current situation, I see a real positive shift of actioning your next steps. I'm really proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself too for being so strong, brave, proactive, honest and resilient. Be assured of my support. I am thinking of you and rooting for you always.

I'm glad there's some improvement with your dad's and your own health, and that there seems to be some movement towards the eventual return to work.

Try to focus on what you have achieved in therapy and how far you've come and see post-therapy as a time of growth where you action what you've learnt. Well done for completing the therapy and I hope it helped you.

Re. the boyfriend's mother... She's cottoned on to me potentially avoiding her and (coincidentally on the same day that I asked my partner if his mum liked me) asked him if I didn't like her. I think she just thinks that he doesn't need an eating disorder, depression or pms in his life.

My boss is a two-faced, blabbermouth drama queen. She flaunted my business around the care home, conjured up her own story that me and my boyfriend were fighting and spread lies about me being angry when I showed no such emotion. She's the kitchen manager and said she'd only allow me to work one housekeeping shift a week or she'd remove me from the kitchen! She also said I'm far too young to have fluctuations in mood and suggested I get counseling through a works contact! Another staff member also spread lies about me having a meltdown and crying at work which is a downright barefaced lie. My kitchen manager does the same with all new staff - gives them stuff, free food, gifts etc. then turns critical.
I have an interview Tuesday at an NHS hospital so I really hope I get that because I think I'm working in the worst care home in the city / country!!

I'm still on the same meds. I tried to come off then a couple months ago but it was a disaster. I feel better for being on them and will probably always take them. My low mood recently was heavily impacted by overworking especially in a horrible place, and also by exhaustion.

I'll get referred to the local GP in the next week or so.

Oh yeah last thing, my period is two and a half weeks late.... So, missed. I've taken a pregnancy test which was negative but it's playing on my mind. I'll take another when it's three weeks late.

Take care of yourself. I'm off to kill some weeds out our back garden! :lol:

Much love,

Em x

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed Sep 08, 2021 1:23 pm

Hi,

How did the interview at the hospital go? Hope it went OK.

Your work sounds just awful and you're doing extremely well to stay there. I don't think I could do it. I do not understand what people get out of behaving like your boss does, I really don't. PMS/hormones are not limited to any age bracket so she is being very ignorant on that count.

Mother/Son relationships are often tricky and can make the partner feel awkward and definitely inferior for their precious boy. It sounds like that is playing out right now. I'm assuming your boyfriend told her you do like her? What a nightmare for you :evil:

Any sign of your period? Could your eating be affecting your cycle? How would you feel if you were pregnant?

I am in a very different place than I have been for several years. I know where I want to be and I can picture that life but I don't know how to get there. She is so nasty and bitter. I don't think anything is going to change before I go on holiday next week. Its a holiday we've had booked for about 2 years but had to keep moving because of covid. When we 1st had the row she asked me if I'd cancelled it but I said I would still go as its staying with friends who own the B&B we have been going to for years. Part of me feels bad that she won't be going but she removed herself from the equation immediately and has since refused to even go to the theatre with me so she isn't going to want to spend 5 days with me abroad. She can always go at another time with other friends. Still feels very awkward.

I think once things eventually settle down (so once I'm living on my own and have settled into that) I will look at coming off my meds but we'll see. Part of me thinks I'm safer just staying on them but I'm not sure. Its hard to know how much S contributes to me poor mental health, I suspect, quite a lot.

I hope you're doing OK, love and hugs

Mx

littleem
Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat Sep 11, 2021 2:51 pm

Hey!

I got the job! They said I was the best candidate and that they were really impressed by me. I thought I'd actually fluffed the interview! :lol:

One of the girls at work has gone off sick before she finishes, because of the boss. It's a shame because she's one of the fee staff I genuinely like there! It also means we've kind of been left in the lurch so there's a lot of extra work!
.
I made the effort of going to visit his mum with him after working a ten hour shift. We had a lovely evening. She came to ours a couple of days later which was nice, although when my partner mentioned us two were watching a live football game that night, she was disappointed we didn't invite her! I gave my partner the eye but he didn't catch my drift :roll: and continued to tell his mum that my parents were coming with us! Oh god it was embarrassing. :oops: Anyways, I managed to buy her a ticket right next to us all but she said to me that she wasn't able to come because of her dog. She said to him that she didn't want to be an after thought because we felt sorry for her. This wasn't the case. Anyways, once I'd got the refund she made out like she would have come after all. :roll: Long story short, we had a great night and with hindsight it wouldn't have been good for her to have come for various reasons anyways.

Nope, no period. I wouldn't want to get pregnant but obviously if it did happen then we would embrace the prospect of becoming parents. Sometimes when I think of having a little one, I do feel it would be lovely and really quite special. But it's certainly not a plan for us now! To be honest, I'm terrified of childbirth. The fear stems way back for me. I was however once terrified of sex and whilst I still don't like it, I'm not scared of it anymore. I hope that means I don't have to have several kids before childbirth no longer seems to be the most painful experience ever! :lol: Anyways, I'm not pregnant. It's the weight loss.

I think it's positive that you can see what you want. Reassure yourself that you have people supporting you and that you are starting to action things. You are moving forward. :) and thus moving out of the situation you are in.

I think it will be good for you to get away on your own and be in different surroundings doing different things with your friends. I hope the well-deserved break gives you peace, clarity of mind, time to rest and recharge, friendship and enjoyment. You deserve it.

Personally, I'd urge you not to change any medication until you are in a steady, consistently good and much more settled place. No biggie anyways even if you do have to stay on them long term. Just go easy and be kind to yourself.

I have a telephone consultation with my psychiatrist from the cmht for discharge next Thursday. I'm also awaiting a call back from an eating disorder service in my previous locality. Once I'm discharged and know whether or not I can access this eating disorders service because of my living location now, I can put the appropriate self referral in.

Stay strong and enjoy your holiday. Much love xx

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Sep 21, 2021 12:40 pm

Hi

Congratulations on getting the job - when do you start? I bet that's a relief knowing you are getting out of there. What did your boss say??

What did your psychiatrist have to say?

I'm glad you had a good night with his Mum, are things still OK with her?

S lost the plot with me just before I went away. I'd gone out and she put the deadbolt on. When I tried to get in, it woke her up and she was livid. Accused me of creeping about - she clearly hadn't heard me go out but I wasn't being quiet. Said she wouldn't let me in if I did it again and then called me an awful name - charming.

Italy was lovely but weird. On the 1st day I felt a mix of guilt and sadness for me being there and her not but I reminded myself that she took herself out of the equation as soon as we fell out and she didn't ask me to change her flight so its her loss.

I've moved into my bedroom now. I'm also going to give her what she wants money wise just to get it over with. I'm not coping and I need it done. I hate the fact that she benefits from the money my parents put in but we need to draw a line under it and help me move on.

i had my last psychology appointment yesterday - she said she was really proud of me and couldn't believe how far I've come. She wanted to give me a hug (we were online) and she teared up which nearly set me off. I'll miss her but I don't feel reliant on her like I have with other therapists over the years so that's an improvement. Still seeing my care co for the time being which is good - I really like him and we get on brilliantly.

Any sign of your period now?

Hope you're OK,

Huge hugs

Mx


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