Anyone else feel they just aren't valid in life. Feel like you've got nothing which makes you feel like a whole person. Still I feel untrusted and not quite good enough for certain family members and friends. I don't know how much more I'm supposed to do before I feel alright. I seem to have to put in enormous amounts of effort for very little relief. I think that's what I want to feel really, relieved and valued for who I am.
I can't really remember the last time I thought,ooo I really enjoyed that, I can't wait to do that again. I'm so tired of living, when I broke my wrist and I was in hospital they gave me gas and air, painkillers and morphine. I was thinking to myself I'd be quite happy if they just gave me a bit more and I could slip away. I was in the ambulance and lieing in bed at the hospital feeling really quite good. I think it was all the attention I was getting. It felt at the time like a road to damascus moment and like I'd almost gone beyond worry and fear .
I think I'm a bit like quentin crisp really, what I long for is death. Death in a way that doesn't involve suicide so I can say ha ha ha you didn't make me do it and now I'm at peace. I think Mark Twain said "I was dead for billions of years and never suffered the slightest inconvienience" . Then I think to myself the chances of being born are extremely unlikely. There's probably more chance of winning the lottery. So I guess we're all lottery winners really........mmmmmmm.