First post, but it's not my first time feeling like this.
I've found myself not wanting to get out of bed [but I do]
I've found myself not wanting to go to the gym [but I do]
I've found myself wanting to be lazy and eat junk food [but I don't]
I've found myself not wanting to function/do daily tasks [but I do]
Whats wrong with me?
I've find myself feeling sad and negative inside. I've not answered my phone in two weeks. Whenever I'm at the gym I have my headphones on and look to the floor because I don't want to interact with anyone [because of how I feel]
Someone who works at the gym today said to me "i've not seen you since last Tuesday, where have you been?" I said I've been here, you've just not seen me. That was proof to me that "trying to hide myself away" works to some degree. Who really wants to be around a "negative" person?
It's actually killing me and my personality slowly inside. I'm bottling this up and have nobody to discuss it with. How on earth have I got myself into this situation.
A Male-PT at my gym has always said off the cuff to me that i'm not very likely to be able to interact with girls at this gym. Blah, Blah, Blah. This has been said to me for months and months and that I should look to do it outside. I've always been "discouraged" down the gym route [mutal interest] by him rather then being encouraged to keep the faith. [positive]
Well, he's only gone and done what I've always said to him I'd like to do with a girl at the gym. I said to him "you got yourself a date" to which he replied "it's not a date, just hanging out, she hasn't got many friends in London" INSIDE, i was thinking, EXACTLY. That is EXACTLY what I've always said I'd like to experience but he's always said "its not possible in here, I know, I work here"
As I mentioned above, this isn't my first time feeling the way I do and I've tried the best I can do by myself.
I'm a 30 plus something guy who for years has worked tirelessly on trying to better myself in order to create opportunities. Like anything I suppose it was incredibly difficult at the very beginning starting this journey. I started out with no friends, literally not a single sole to whom I could ring or text for help or advice. I still don't really have someone I would count as a friend to call for advice. I always wanted a friend. Someone to talk to, share fun nights out with etc. I had little or no belief in myself I would ever get one and therefore concentrated and focused on work. While wanting a friend, I managed to keep my distance from people and therefore never really forged any real relationships outside of work. I somehow became the guy everyone would come to for advice, but never had anyone myself to help me out. I battled on and believed this is just the role i'm playing in life and someone somewhere is worse off than myself.
One day I decided to join a gym. I woke up one day and said I'm going to do it. And I did. The gym was a very intimidating place where everyone looked like they knew what they were doing. I kept my head down and much like work, focused at the task at hand. I got myself a personal trainer and was allocated a female one. Girls literally scare me. I got on with this trainer and things weren't so bad. I didn't fancy paying anymore as I didn't believe it offered value for money and decided to go it alone.
I've now just found myself at a point where i'm lost. Literally lost and want to be alone through embarassement feeling like this.