Lovely to hear from you, as always!
You don't sound sad at all!! I have scabby, half-chewed, broken, dish-washing and potato-peeling nails.... So I always admire the well-polished nail!
My college tutor was also a beautician and she would have a new really funky design on each nail every week! Her Christmas nails were epic. So you be enthusiastic about whatever makes you happy, my friend!
And be thankful your hands don't smell like potatoes.
The year of JOY! YES! Loving that.
Haha! I know.... I am an oldie at heart. Definitely born in the wrong century....
Yeah.... I'm leaving my care coordinator to correspond with the eating disorder team. I don't want to bravely put myself out there and get knocked back by them yet again. I am worth more than how they have treated me and I deserve a better level of support. They no longer even contact me. They don't correspond with the mental health (non-eating disorder cmht) team (who thankfully are fantastic!) So the ED lot don't know I've been working, that I've gained weight, that I've finished college, that I even still exist....
That only conjures up negativity, anger and hurt within me.... So unless the ED therapist can meet me in another medical center more accessible to me (she previously showed reluctance to be flexible, said it wasn't possible and palmed me back to the MH team for the fourth time
) or unless she can visit me at home for my sessions (they are community based and the occupational therapist of doom from when the ED team first got involved used to visit me at home three times a week!) then I will have no other option than to go privately. It would be best to try it with the ED therapist first, (despite all this angst, I did actually click with her and was engaging!) and go private IF it wasn't effective. But in all honesty, I am personally favouring the private therapist for her approach and locality.
All will be revealed in the coming weeks.
Meanwhile, my current therapy is going spiffingly.
I'm doing my absolute very best to stop unnecessarily and excessively apologising! Really working on challenging those negative thoughts.
What I have realised is that in order to be happy and fulfilled, I have to first change and heal what is inside.
(Deep waffles coming up.....!
) The place and way of life that once made me my happiest and most fulfilled (volunteering in India) no longer made me happy or fulfilled when INSIDE I felt depressed. Once the depression heals, my outlook heals.
I have become more content with washing dishes because of what I know it has taken from me to be able to do this. I am becoming more grateful and appreciative of life around me now. I don't have to go somewhere or be something to be happy and fulfilled.
That said, we all have desires. I would like to join a lay residential community (not a nun) but it may or may not happen and that's okay.
I have done my searching and discerning so I have no regrets regarding all of that. There is only one community that fully appeals to me and that is accessible and realistically achievable. We were in correspondence previously, but I was gripped by the anorexia and went to hospital....
But I have recently contacted them again. The next intake is September. I know full-well that I am unlikely to be fully ready to join then, but I also know it's possible. I also know I could join the following September and that I may never join this community.
I am not rushing or pressuring myself, but instead focusing on the here and now.
The next step for me would be to spend a few days/a week later this year with the community to get a feel for whether we are suited. My application has already been approved previously.
I no longer feel the desire to become a Nun. This lay community permits more freedom, family contact, friendships, social interaction and free-time. We make a commitment but it is not intense in that we are not bound by vows or anything.
I previously was accepted by a religious order and was due to enter a Convent! I have peace now with knowing that this is however not the right direction for me.
At a very young age, I had a negative introduction to 'the birds and the bees'. I was terrified of developing. Anorexia, at nine years old, told me that developing physically meant 'getting fat' which (although I didn't understand why!) I was supposed to believe was a 'bad' thing. I guess I was afraid to 'grow-up'. Life around me was chaotic and perhaps I wanted to stay a child. To stay young and safe and looked after.
Anorexia set me apart from my peers. I was obsessed with calories and exercise and food and weight loss, whilst my peers became interested in boyfriends and makeup and going out at the weekend. It is what it is now, but I did miss out on all of that 'growing-up' stuff and anorexia massively compromised my friendships and relationships.
Only boyfriend I did have (and genuinely cared about) was when I was eighteen. But he treated me with disinterest, rejection, manipulation and disrespect. After that, the barriers went right back up.
I have never thought anyone would find me attractive. I'm often told that I look 'twelve years old' so I protect myself from it all. I guess, the outcome is not worth the struggle it would be to overcome such chronic and fully entrenched cognitions. A shame, perhaps. But it is what it is. A consequence of anorexia. Just like my osteoporosis. (Told you I was an oldie at heart.
But I know it is possible that I could fall in love, be loved and get married. I just feel it is most likely to be a certainty that I will not. And that is okay with me.
My mental health problems wouldn't be an obstacle to join the residential lay community. Although, physically I would need to be in a better place. Which is where I'm heading. *scoffs waffle*
I think it could help my sense of mental well-being, certainly.
Loving the positive vibes coming through your post!!!
Mindfulness group sounds great. You would bring such inspiration to the group. Go for it!!
Really pleased that the switch is still, uh, switched?
Glad you are feeling so good!
Any nice relaxing activities you could introduce....?
Yes, waffle and (milk) shake. Although I am loving the concept of a free handshake, too!
Ah, fear not about busy and long emails. There's always me to send a busier and longer one!
I wish you a happy Wednesday (as well as future happy Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays)
Keep me posted on how the year of JOY proceeds!!!
P.S. My work's Christmas party is on Sunday..... We're having..... KAREOKE!!
Lots of love, peace, friendship and waffles. (Plus one big hearty handshake)
Your (slightly bonkers) buddy, Em xxx