Dear diary (hehehehe)
I'm still trying to sit with fear and I am feeling progress, it is not as strong as it was.
I'm also trying to integrate the scared little boy part of me. The part of me which is still so angry at myself for not being perfect. To communicate with and accept that part of me with understanding and compassion. I need to spend more time on this.
The proof is in the pudding though and I want to move away from so much introspection as soon as I can and focus more on ACTion but I don't want to jump the gun, I want to fully explore these thoughts and emotions first so as not to leave an underlying personality fracture for me to fall back into on a later date. That isn't perfectionism, I am doing a little of everything with my five prongs but I suspect that part of the urge to stop being introspective at this point is just 'pull yourself together' in another guise. I know from bitter experience that that isn't the answer. I have to bottom out my fear and self disgust and anger at myself if I am going to make long term gains.
I'm not great at self compassion or motivation. I'm hoping I will be referred to a group therapy on compassion but that is not looking likely. Motivation will be uncovered the more I shovel away at the fear and self hatred.
My work focus has improved somewhat, thanks Mindfulness. Still madly behind on everything but starting to make real progress on the backlog.
Not gone out yet or done any studying today but I put that down to tiredness. Didn't wake until an hour ago, making up for lack of sleep during the week. Being more or less caffeine free the last 10 months has really brought home to me how little sleep I get and how much I need. I can go to sleep it is wanting to go to sleep that is the problem. I want to be tough with myself now, set myself a bedtime and stick to it. I'll see how that goes.
I'm strong, intelligent, creative, good company and determined not to give up on myself or on life.
Thanks for reading. Take care all.