Diary Entry 10 October 2020
I seem to have found a cause to fight for, a goal to aim for, and it is me.
Diary Entry Monday, 12 October 2020
I have been feeling so much better since I finished drawing out so many emotions in counselling. I can now sit quietly at home and while not quite at ease with myself, I'm close to it. I'm no longer sat struggling to repress strong emotion
I was annoyed at myself for not being more productive, till a friend pointed out that I was bound to need downtime after all the recent, heavy, emotional work.
Diary Entry, Monday, 12 October 2020
Was doing some more emotional work this evening. re-read the chapter on grieving from CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
When I was walking the couple of miles home, I thought about my first decent therapist. I started CBT in early 2014. In the first session, the therapist asked me about my social network. I was very proud to tell him that I was no longer isolated, that I had developed to the point that I was emailing two people (to say hello), at least once per month, whether I had heard from them or not. I remember the look on his face.
I cried for myself when I remembered that. I cried for how alone I have been for so much of my life, that (in my late 30's) emailing someone once per month felt like socialising. I cried because even maintaining those tenuous contacts took all the emotional strength I had, was such a victory.
I am glad I cried. I am glad I am accepting of my emotions. I am glad I was able to feel such empathy and self compassion for adult me. I'm glad I valued myself enough to be worth tears. This is another victory.
I've developed friendships since and, although relationships escape me, I am very pleased to have friends.