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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1768
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Jun 20, 2021 6:21 am

Diary Entry 13 June 2021

My last post was very interesting. The false sense of powerlessness, the victim mentality shows through.

Some other thoughts, sense of powerlessness at work is stressful. There is also a false sense of powerlessness when socialising. I think Learned Helplessness is kicking in here. I've also been reading (30 year old!) research that Learned Helplessness is at the core of unipolar depression. I think this learned helplessness is intimately tied in to my negative view of myself and my capabilities. Negative Self Image and Learned Helplessness are fundamental de-motivators.

This is right at the heart of my depression and lack of action in my own interests. As is the choice a long time ago not to look like I'm competing or trying in any way, in order to avoid contempt and humiliation just for trying, never mind failing. Some adapted CBT techniques seem like a good way to address this stuff.

Some other reading has made me see a potential way forward to deal with my negative ingrained habits of behaviour via mindfulness. Negative self image can be addressed via both mindfulness and CBT type techniques.

I think now that I am so much more integrated and familiar / comfortable with my emotions, CBT and Mindful approaches will really have a chance to pay off. It also helps that I am cutting through the interpretations of others and going right back to the basic information about CBT and Mindfulness techniques and how they work. I have much more belief in a course I design for me than in the templates produced by people with their own beliefs and agendas about the 'right' result.

Real hope for the first time in a long time. Starting to get a real sense that I can control my own decisions and behaviour to influence my life. It will take a long time and a lot of work, but I have come so far, I think so much clearer. I know I am capable of finishing this process, I know that I want and deserve a better experience of life. I know the power is in my hands and I can do it.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1768
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Jun 20, 2021 6:31 am

Diary entry, 20/06/2021

A long time ago in my healing journey, I recognised that I developed suicidal ideation in childhood as an escape route if things got too bad. It gave me a sense of control.

Now I am recognising that another thing that sets of ideation is seeing myself as intrinsically at fault, worthless, a burden, a bad boy. This also seems to be linked to my depressive feelings, along with my sense of learned helplessness.

Learned helplessness and self loathing feeds into depression and ideation by convincing me that I cannot control my fate. That nothing can or will change.

The idea that nothing can or will change is fed by the greatest lie depression tells, that there are no options, that this feeling is forever.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1768
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Jun 20, 2021 6:42 am

Diary entry 2, 20/06/2021


I am also remembering one of the reasons I do not take care of myself, one of the reasons I do not try is part of a twisted cycle with learned helplessness.


As a child I would be humiliated for trying. I would be humiliated for trying to improve myself, I would be humiliated for trying to socialise, for trying sport, for trying to run, trying to play, trying to fight, for trying to succeed at just about anything. I would be humiliated for trying to do pretty much anything, success was ignored, failure was humiliation doubled. Humiliated at home, at school, and in the streets.


The answer my child self arrived at was a self defeating approach. Don't try and don't be seen to try. Pretend you are not interested, pretend you don't care. I'm still pretending I don't care, still not taking care of myself or my clothes, still not trying to be a part of society or compete with others. This defeatist habit is so ingrained, but is removable.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1768
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Jul 05, 2021 3:58 am

Diary Entry 05/06/21

Such a good day on Sat. Between the football and other stuff, I really enjoyed myself. Drank too much, but still lots of socialising and a good day. Then I got a text from my mother asking to meet again. Queue nightmares and lack of sleep last night. The nightmares have improved, the last one ended with me taking control, but hell - still typing this at 4am 'cause too scared to go back to sleep.


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