Diary entry 2, 20/06/2021
I am also remembering one of the reasons I do not take care of myself, one of the reasons I do not try is part of a twisted cycle with learned helplessness.
As a child I would be humiliated for trying. I would be humiliated for trying to improve myself, I would be humiliated for trying to socialise, for trying sport, for trying to run, trying to play, trying to fight, for trying to succeed at just about anything. I would be humiliated for trying to do pretty much anything, success was ignored, failure was humiliation doubled. Humiliated at home, at school, and in the streets.
The answer my child self arrived at was a self defeating approach. Don't try and don't be seen to try. Pretend you are not interested, pretend you don't care. I'm still pretending I don't care, still not taking care of myself or my clothes, still not trying to be a part of society or compete with others. This defeatist habit is so ingrained, but is removable.