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nurse93
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2021 10:19 pm

Relationship

Postby nurse93 » Fri Apr 23, 2021 11:05 pm

I was diagnosed with depression as a child and have been on antidepressants ever since.

I believe I also have a personality disorder but I have never discussed this with a professional.

So I find being in a relationship VERY hard. I’ve been with my current partner for over 4 and a half years and I really don’t know how.

He has lied to me. But never has his lies had me question his loyalty towards me. He’s never been unfaithful etc.

Yet I can’t trust him... I can’t believe him when he tells me he loves me... I can’t believe that he wants to be with me.

We have a wedding booked for next year. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. He tells me he wants us to get a mortgage and have a baby together. He’s been a ‘step dad’ and taken on my daughter from the age of 2.

I run hot and cold. One minute I’m planning a future... literally an hour later I’m saying I’m unhappy and don’t want the relationship. The scary thing is I really can’t help it. One minute I am happy the next I’m not and I really don’t know what I want half the time myself.

I feel insecure... I feel unloved... I feel ugly... I feel like a burden

Too much information maybe but we only make love very occasionally. He tells me it’s him and not me but i cannot help but think it’s because he’s not attracted to me anymore.

There’s a lot I’m missing from the relationship like the small gestures... intimacy...compliments etc but the important things like commitment etc I am getting. Why is that not enough? Why do I need so much reassurance and attention!?

I feel so alone. I don’t have any friends etc so there’s no one I can just meet up with and have a cocktail and a chat. I rely solely on my partner to be my ‘friend’ and I think that’s now what we are... friends.

I’m struggling at the moment with life. There’s always too much to do. The same boring routine. I feel like life is not enjoyable right now. I find my only comfort is food, which causes me more problems as I spend half my life trying to lose weight and putting it back on again. I’m the biggest I have ever been (size 16)/sometimes 18.

I felt like I needed to rant. Another evening of watching my partner sit on his phone paying literally no attention to me at all... rant over

epitaph
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby epitaph » Sat Apr 24, 2021 7:32 am

Hello nurse93,

Welcome to the forum and well done for posting (always hardest the first time).
You will find people here who do care and will try to help you.

This forum is quite quiet (but that also makes it special), you may wish to post here as well. https://www.mentalhealthforum.net/

I feel so alone. I don’t have any friends etc so there’s no one I can just meet up with and have a cocktail and a chat. I rely solely on my partner to be my ‘friend’ and I think that’s now what we are... friends.

I felt like I needed to rant. Another evening of watching my partner sit on his phone paying literally no attention to me at all... rant over


Lots of things to work on here :)

Take care..

epitaph
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby epitaph » Sun Apr 25, 2021 9:17 am

Incidentally l do hope you did not find my previous post in anyway offensive ?
These are not things to ever joke about... I am sorry, please accept my apology.

Many people feel lonely as a result of not being able to truly express how they really feel or what they are going through.....

Take care...

nurse93
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2021 10:19 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby nurse93 » Sun Apr 25, 2021 6:25 pm

Hello there!

Thank you for your kind welcome.

Don’t apologise please you have said nothing wrong!

I agree there is a lot to work on... I need to build on my confidence and self esteem etc I think that will help

However that’s easier said than done!

Hope your well xx

epitaph
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby epitaph » Mon Apr 26, 2021 9:06 pm

Hello nurse93,

I know and agree, confidence and self esteem can be severely dented with the result that even doing seemingly simple things can feel quite challenging.

Please reach out if there is anything you need. Hopefully being able to provide support to others will also help you in your own journey... Incidentally thanks for the confirmation of nothing wrong etc, as self doubt is sometimes never that far away either!

Take care

nateybones
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2021 12:24 am

Re: Relationship

Postby nateybones » Fri Apr 30, 2021 12:45 am

Good evening nurse93

Your post speaks to me on so many levels. I was diagnosed with depression at 15. I have had it suggested I might have a form of personality disorder also.

I've been with my partner for 11 years this April, we are due to get married next year, (it's moved twice since Covid) and I sometimes feel the very same. The only major differences are I haven't been lied too, I believe he does love me and I don't think he'd be dis-loyal.

However, I have recurring thoughts that he will leave me, or I want to leave him. That we aren't right for each other, we're going through the motions, just friends/house mates etc. Before we started trying for a child, we had sex maybe once every 3 months, now it's once a month during my cycle. I have a very low libido but his is none existent. For years I struggled with is it me, am I the problem and I've lost my sexuality and my self esteem because of it but he also struggles with himself because of it.

There is no child in the picture but we now have that added pressure of trying for a child. I do get affection daily, comments, not so much as he isn't strong verbally (what do they say, strong but silent?) However, I get the same, happy one moment, finding issues and being low the next.

Something I read recently online, reassurance is like a drug, the more we seek it, the less it helps, because we need such quantities that the person we seek it from cannot give it so we feel unsatisfied. It's helped me pull back and try and learn to reassure myself, it's hard work but I'm hoping I'm getting somewhere with it.

We have different living rooms because we like different things and I'm a Playstation player and he's an X-Boxer. We try and make sure we're in the same room when we eat and some evenings to watch TV but we need to improve it more as I do feel less connected than we were when we only had one living room.

It's such a hard one because we're in our heads and as you seem to understand, we can't tell the real from the story our minds are telling us. I am in counselling currently (privately) for a binge eating disorder and truthfully, this is one of the scariest things I will have to admit to them. My fear is I'm right and we shouldn't be together. However, I love him fiercely, I know I do but I need to learn how to vocalise my feelings so that he listens and doesn't just feel I'm moaning or attacking him.

This is a big post, I do hope it isn't over stepping the mark on anything. I just am feeling a little raw myself. I'm always happy to be a internet buddy if you need someone to talk too.


nurse93 wrote:I was diagnosed with depression as a child and have been on antidepressants ever since.

I believe I also have a personality disorder but I have never discussed this with a professional.

So I find being in a relationship VERY hard. I’ve been with my current partner for over 4 and a half years and I really don’t know how.

He has lied to me. But never has his lies had me question his loyalty towards me. He’s never been unfaithful etc.

Yet I can’t trust him... I can’t believe him when he tells me he loves me... I can’t believe that he wants to be with me.

We have a wedding booked for next year. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. He tells me he wants us to get a mortgage and have a baby together. He’s been a ‘step dad’ and taken on my daughter from the age of 2.

I run hot and cold. One minute I’m planning a future... literally an hour later I’m saying I’m unhappy and don’t want the relationship. The scary thing is I really can’t help it. One minute I am happy the next I’m not and I really don’t know what I want half the time myself.

I feel insecure... I feel unloved... I feel ugly... I feel like a burden

Too much information maybe but we only make love very occasionally. He tells me it’s him and not me but i cannot help but think it’s because he’s not attracted to me anymore.

There’s a lot I’m missing from the relationship like the small gestures... intimacy...compliments etc but the important things like commitment etc I am getting. Why is that not enough? Why do I need so much reassurance and attention!?

I feel so alone. I don’t have any friends etc so there’s no one I can just meet up with and have a cocktail and a chat. I rely solely on my partner to be my ‘friend’ and I think that’s now what we are... friends.

I’m struggling at the moment with life. There’s always too much to do. The same boring routine. I feel like life is not enjoyable right now. I find my only comfort is food, which causes me more problems as I spend half my life trying to lose weight and putting it back on again. I’m the biggest I have ever been (size 16)/sometimes 18.

I felt like I needed to rant. Another evening of watching my partner sit on his phone paying literally no attention to me at all... rant over

ericph
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 10:57 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby ericph » Fri Apr 30, 2021 7:29 pm

Relationships are probably the hardest thing we do in life. I have only been married thirty six years, the first thirty five are the hardest, then it gets harder. We have very little in common other than the children and grandchildren, so we do spend a fair bit of time doing our own thing. She has told me to leave countless times, often when she is due on, she has left a couple of times, yet we are still together.

My favourite definition of marriage is an imperfect man, marrying an imperfect woman, having imperfect children, and living in an imperfect world. It is incredibly hard making anything work under these conditions. It's almost impossible to change our spouse, the only person we can change is ourselves. There are a number of things she does that irritate me, and the longer you are together, the more of a grind these things become. I also know that I irritate her, neither of us do these things intentionally, it is just who we are.

So staying together requires a huge amount of resilience and perseverance to accept your spouse as they are. We need to constantly forgive each other, so we don't keep bringing up the past in any arguments. The secret seems to be that we are not constantly looking for our ideal partner, but that we try and become the perfect partner ourselves.

I believe the struggle is worth while; and I wouldn't be without her; it is hard work but worth it.

This has been some of my struggle, yours will be different.

clairemorgan
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun May 30, 2021 8:49 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby clairemorgan » Sun May 30, 2021 10:03 pm

This is exactly how I feel.
I can relate to so much of what you're saying.
I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years. We split up about 4 times because I felt I no longer wanted him. I think all I needed was a bit of space.
We finally divorced and I have found a new partner. We have been together for 3 years.
Over the last year the same feelings have been coming back that I don't want him, yet he is absolutely everything I could ever wish for!
I feel like I'm pushing him away - I don't speak to him, I totally go into myself and withdraw.
Why am I never happy?
I was on sertraline for years, have just tried fluoxetine again but am having to come down off it as it's not working. The doctor has ran out of different medication for me to try


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