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*Trig - Feeling the heat...

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doubleuooo
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2021 2:27 am

*Trig - Feeling the heat...

Postby doubleuooo » Wed Mar 31, 2021 3:15 am

Hi,
I am a Newbie. Wasn`t sure what to do to vent my currant "Episode" so found this place, Hi.

My "bad side" popped up again yesterday after a med mess up sohad to go4 days without my meds. IwasIn self Isolation because I "was"supposed to be going for an Endoscopy today but after losing it yesterday following 3 nights without sleep Ihad to break my Self Isolation before the procedure to collect the meds at last yesterday so cancelled the Endoscopy. I need this Endoscopy because they found after a Bicycle crash last summer that I had a very rare form of Cancer within my Appendix. My Op is scheduled for May. I have noone who I can call a proper freind because I have moved from the slightly crazy, eccentric bracket where I was very popular. I played In a well known Band and was oneof the crowd. I crossed the line from being Crazy guy on stage to being really crazy over a period of16 yearsand into the "Oddball, weird bracket after my 1st Manic Episode along with Pyschosis when I found out my partner of 11 years and Mother to me lovely Daughter was having an affair and I ended up on the street then lost my job and literally within Months my reputation, the house that I owned, my life turned to shit within a couple of months. That fast. When Facebook started I had 1800 "Friends" I now have 4 who I dont really know. Popularity Is so fickle.
Chronic Mental Health has a revolting stench to a lot of people and they run a mile when they get a whiff of it no matter howhard you try to hide it.
After a long period of trying to stay stable yesterday all Demons came to life. I tried to call the Intensive team previously who up until a month ago I was told over andover to call if I felt suicidle. I did not call once until... I called them yesterday but didnt get a callback. I called again but was passed onto this very stern Primary care assessor. She deemed me well enough too manage. Hell knows why but I made the idiotic suicide attempt,I guess it was out out of desperation, dunno. Just wanted the shitegoing on in my head to stop. So right now I am alive but 1/2 of of me wishing I was not. Sorry about the dark nature of this post. I have noone else to talk to right now.
Last edited by ModeratingTeam on Wed Mar 31, 2021 10:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited by moderators to add trigger warning and remove detail.

lol76
Posts: 265
Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2020 10:36 pm

Re: *Trig - Feeling the heat...

Postby lol76 » Wed Mar 31, 2021 7:03 pm

Hi there, I share your pain. I too suffer with bad mental health, depression, anxiety and had it most my life on and off. So far always managed to keep functioning and working but over last couple of years I too have lost my job, lost my purpose and suffered suicidal thoughts. I too turned to the crisis team after utter desperation and like you I cant say I found them very useful. I naively always thought when you got that low that you would get help but sadly it hasnt been the case with me, in fact it's been hard work fighting for assessments and appointments. It's as if they only interested when you've done the deed, they dont seem as if they want to know if you're just tortured with thoughts.

Apologies I cant give you a more positive response but I'm really struggling aswell at the moment...but just wanted to say hello and that you are not alone in how you feel.


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