I’ve had a really terrible week and have been having moments where it feels like a wave of despair washes over me. They seem to come from nowhere. I have periods of intense creativity followed by these crashes where I feel so down, guilt ridden and despondent about the future.
I’m 42 and have had problems my whole life. I didn’t have a happy home life growing up and ended up in rehab for drug addiction in my late twenties. I’ve been clean ever since and have no thoughts of using again or suicide as I have two kids whom I love dearly. I’ve had mental ups and downs for as long as I can remember really. I am married, but there is no real warmth or happiness in the relationship. It’s not the relationship that I had hoped for, but I don’t want to end it as I have a well paid job and I would have to either give it up to look after the kids or lose the kids to my other half. Neither prospect would be good.
I mistakenly claimed child benefit, but have to pay it back as I earn over the limit and that is looming large in the back of my mind. I keep putting off logging on to the tax site to sort it all out. I know that I should, but I just fear them saying that I’ll have to pay it off in one go immediately rather than instalments. It seems stupid, but I just keep sticking my head in the sand about it.
I do a lot of artwork in my spare time and I bury myself in that on my days off followed by these crashes of depression. I’ve had a look online and I tick a lot of the boxes for bipolar. I’d really like to see a therapist, but I don’t want to be on meds as I’ve seen a lot of lives ruined by them. I’m going to contact my GP tomorrow to see what she says.
I am not close to anyone in my family and I have no friends so I feel so lonely and have nobody to talk to so this post is a bit of a release for me.
Thank you for reading. Stay safe.