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Registered on a whim

Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 11:49 pm
by rach476
Hi, Newbie here

I’ve been searching forums for a while now, typically when my partners depression seems at its worst and there are two reasons why

1. To see if I can find ways of helping my partner/ to understand
2. To reassure myself that what I’m feeling other people are too

I didn’t think there would be an awful lot out there for partners of suffers, but to my surprise there is.

More often than not I am very positive and I know that this is a difficult road, to support and be there for some one with depression takes its toll, I have my own anxiety that doesn’t interact well with this some times and my head tells me that it’s not my partners illness that makes him not speak to me, put effort into our relationship, not get help, not bother to see me, not leave the house, but that he doesn’t really care for me.... sometimes it’s a viscous circle and I work myself into a panic attack.
Talking doesn’t seem to have any impact, how can you tell someone you love dearly that the actions of their mental illness are also hurting you?!

Anyway thanks for reading I guess

Re: Registered on a whim

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:50 am
by upwards-is-the-aim
Dont tell them - unless it helps with the main aim which is to get them to make life and other changes to help reduce and eventually remove their depression

And in the meantime look after yourself and set your own healthy agenda - but out the caffeine - up the exercise - be social etc

Re: Registered on a whim

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 12:20 pm
by janedoe321
I can relate to your situation a lot. My husband refused to get help for a long time. It resulted in me having a melt down and going to see the doctor to ask for help for myself to be able to cope. Turns out I just needed to tell someone how I was feeling. It was a very emotional time. It prompted him to see the doctor, admit he was depressed and start medication. A massive breakthrough. That was 2.5 years ago.
I still find things hard at times and recently have had a rough time, questioning if I can continue to support him, this is mostly due to other pressures I’m currently experiencing which has taken its toll.
Things that help me support my hubby:
Knowing I’m not responsible for making him better
I have to look after myself
Not to take any of it personally
Tell him if things get too much
Focus on the good times and acknowledged the victories
Remember who he really is and find ways to tell him and show him

Re: Registered on a whim

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:36 pm
by alanrock
I thought you must be my wife!

I've been dealing with depression for a long time, on and off medication. I recently went through a very low period after coming off the meds. I'd got to a suicidal stage and only came out of it when I eventually opened up to my wife after a couple of drinks. Whilst she was sympathetic she told me that it was up to me to 1. take the meds, 2. get help and basically if I wouldn't try to get better she couldn't force me to do it and I would just wallow in my own misery. Tough love.

It opened my eyes to the fact that my behaviour had an effect on others and I was making their lives awful. In my depressed state my focus had narrowed in on me and my (perceived) problems. Your partner maybe can't see that his behaviour affects others negatively too.

Re: Registered on a whim

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 12:10 am
by rach476
Thank you for your replies

It really does help to read other people’s experiences and ways in which they coped, I’m not a fixer by any means but I do take things to heart and sometimes it just gets too much, but the good times far outweigh the bad times at the moment.

There is a level of self help involved I believe and sometimes it’s hard as I don’t see him trying to help himself at all and it does get very “tunnel vision” sometimes I feel I don’t exist in his world at all

Janedoe123 if you could advise yourself knowing what you know now what would you say?