Wow. So glad I found this post. Read some comments and I'd like to share a story or 2. Surrounding this post. Aswell as more sinister issues
So I met my partner ( let's call him: S )as a client. We were in a open relationship. I couldn't commit to him at that time. And due to domestic violence and abuse in my previous relationship I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We saw people together did things together and always agreed to tell eachother. Anyway after 6 months we both decided to commit.
I stopped my job as cam girl and fully committed to him. Only to find out he was unfaithful doing things behind my back even after we agreed we only wanted eachother and we wouldn't go on any adult sites without eachother. I blamed myself, thought everything was my fault, im always wrong. I felt abandoned, unwanted, unattractive, disgusting, repulsive, useless and worthless. Blindly inlove I did not see and could not see he was to blame.
Then Christmas came and I thought buying a dog would bring us closer together but i later started noticing (S) use buster as emotional leverage . A reason I hardly get any attention or affection. If I don't comply with his orders or don't allow him to play on my insecurities, thoughts, feelings, self esteem issues, beliefs. He'll tell me i can't see buster or see him. The reason I'm saying this in this text is because I've recently been going through psychological, emotional, mental abuse. (S) would know how to make me feel worthless and useless,repulsive and disgusting. He would know he only had to look at another woman while in public and I'd feel abandoned,angry,agitated,aggressive. And not know why. Then we'd get at (S's) home,I'd be hyper sensitive to"threats"at this time. Depending on if I'd broke down at that point we might have argued which would end up with him blaming everything on me , him not admitting he would rather be with someone else not me, telling me im "over reacting""imagining things""being unreasonable""crazy b"" mental "physco" then I'd end up self distracting, feeling numb. Or in his words "acting cold". Or I'd be desperate for attention and affection. If we'd argued about his eyes wandering outside he'd be ignoring me, shunning me, invalidating me, getting buster our dog to be the focus of attention and affection so I was punished for speaking up about my own feelings, thoughts, beliefs. The simplist way to explain this. If someone is trying not go through something like drinking alcohol or taking something and their partner is there knowing the feelings and thoughts and beliefs of you but doing it regardless, with pleasure sometimes. That ends up eating away at you possibly being quite traumatic at some points.
Anyway back to eyes wanting. So we'd get to his and I'd notice him looking at breast enlargement adverts and quite happy to remember his young adult life with topless news readers. As I said I'd either be hyper sensitive at that point, be in hospital because I'd been physically hurt by myself or him. Or be annoyed,angry,agitated,controlling (getting jealous of things on tv),judgemental,feeling confused,repulsive and disgusting. But you see that's part of the ploy. In order for me to notice who he's looking at,feeling abandoned and be"controlling"he manipulated me, psychologically, emotionally and mentally abused me.
So one day after texting no reply to his ex( we will call her:N),who had been flirting with him for weeks and messaged him on valentines day, who asked if she was more important and special than me his partner. Me and(S)had a confrontation about it especially after he said he "doesnt want to hurt her feelings"!!. But wait a minute your ok with hurting my feelings by checking out a young blonde girl at a nightclub with a green sparkly dress. But to reply to your ex,who's acting like you both are still together, is a big no no.
Anyway me and(S)didn't see eachother for a while as I was having an abortion and in a mental health hospital. Which he didn't support me with at all. I never got one visit from him. For a whole week. He blamed my behaviour and his, me for being unreasonable, jealous and "everything is my fault". Meanwhile giving him a chance to change every entire word what he told me. When I saw(S)again. He changed the"I dont want to hurt her feelings""to i dont want to cause arguments".
A while after that,still feeling worthless and useless, hopeless and helpless, unwanted and unloved. I tried to be confident enough to make myself a little confident and wear something revealing to make(s)happy. We were in bed watching a movie and he just didn't seem that interested in me. Looking back and forth between me and the TV. One scene has a naked woman with blue hair, perfect body, perfect boobs, bum, legs, stomach, face. He couldn't take his eyes off her. I felt like dogshit and a monster compared to her. And I'd tried my best to make him happy but he'd rather stare at a woman on tv. I got upset. He told me that evening"he was looking at the sign"which was behind her. But I couldn't help my controlling or jealous behaviour. That evening I looked for the scene and found out there was only 1 second of "the sign". And he was eyeing her up for more than 20 seconds. The next day I was fuming he either lied, tried to play games with me or gaslighted me. And remembering the past. All the times he's done something to hurt me, unbeknown to him and me at that point being disrespectful and not accepting responsibility, feeling second best and sloppy seconds. Later " (S) arrived at his flat. Changing his boundaries, rules, expectations and beliefs. And I ended up in a row with him telling him I know he wasn't only looking at the sign in the scene. He then changed it to " I was looking at her because she was reading someone's mind". But he didn't take his eyes off her once. And didn't acknowledge I'd tried to make him happy.. Anyway(S)had won the psychological, emotional and mental abuse at that point. Which lead me to self harm. Then he used my body as a wheel barrow trying to kick me out of his flat. He broke his bedroom door handle and locked me in there. The police where called too.
Now his friend doesn't like me(let's call him:D)because he owns(S's)flat. And police have also been called prior to that. To which (D) warned me to never get seen by him in the flat.(S) now uses(D)as a way of intimidating me. The problem is though. Its not my fault the police were called. S shouldn't have hurt me.
The point im trying to make is some people will do things just for the fun of it. I've learnt my life, our relationship was just fun and games for him. They know they hurt you but they tell you " your controlling " or change there words trying to confuse you. Deliberately do things that trigger you then blame you for their reactions, and yours, their behaviour and yours,tell you your feelings,thoughts and emotions are wrong,invalid,bad. But they enjoy pulling the strings. Recently I had a mental health nurse visiting me. And I told bits of this what ive told you but also some things I've not mentioned due to the length of this. Their is alot more to it. Like when I od'd and he left me outside his flat in wee and vomit. And never came to the hospital which was 5 minutes walk away. But there again he didn't come and it was my fault, i was to blame, im wrong. And im the reason he wasn't there when I needed him because I was"being unreasonable".
So the mental health nurse advised I work with the domestic violence team. And told me he's being disrespectful towards me eyeing up woman in public, which he knows makes me feel agitated, angry, aggressive, abandoned. Which leads to me being controlling and abusive. If he plays it right I'll end up being more traumatised, he'll blame me, tell me im a failure,that everything is my fault,tell me im wrong,or tell me im being unreasonable or I'll self distuct.
Take care of yourself people their are people who think they same way as us. Want to be 100% loyal. And **** anyone that makes us feel we can't have our own beliefs,thoughts,emotions,boundaries. Or makes us feel insecure,takes our self esteem and confidence away. Dont be ashamed of wanting that extra commitment. Everyone has a right!!!