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Confused, sad, possibly bipolar

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Confused, sad, possibly bipolar

Postby sarahj » Sat Sep 25, 2021 7:50 am

I have come to the realisation that something is seriously not right…. I don’t think it ever has been.

All the other times I have felt this way there has been a life event that could excuse my behaviour, thoughts and feelings! But nothing and I mean nothing can explain my behaviour and feeling over the last 3 months. Three months ago I was in a slump and for the second time in my life I had weird suicidal thought from literally no where! I was thinking of taking pills or jumping in front of a car. They were literally racing thoughts and they scared the living crap out of me! I didn’t want to wash, brush my teeth, cook or clean and my libido was none existent. I was still functioning so to speak though and going to work because I hate to let people down or burden people with my shit. I closed myself off from friends and family and stopped talking. I’m usually a very sociable person and thrive of interaction with other people. I found I needed a lot more sleep than Ushua although it was always broken sleep though…. So would then also feel like I needed a nap in the day to catch up on sleep. Then my sleep pattern got completely messed up due to a phone call that disturbed me at 3.10am in the morning and I could not for the life of me get back to sleep and I had to be in work the next morning at 8.30am.

That week I literally had a ton of energy out of no where! Considering my lost sleep. I had a total of 17 hours sleep for seven days. During that week I all of a sudden wanted to talk and I mean excessively talk! I couldn’t stop. I kept my 15 year old daughter up all night chatting about anything and everything. Thankfully it was the summer holidays. I also got all housework done and I had an empty laundry basket in a house with myself three children and a partner. I randomly booked a two getaways spending over £750 in one swoop. I spent a ridiculous amount on Amazon and clothes for no reason… it wasn’t needed. I wanted sex all the time also. My partner must have thought all his Christmas’s had come at once!

I realised that week that things were not right to go from suicidal thoughts one week to then being ridiculously energetic, talkative and amazing at work on very very little sleep. I phoned my doctors. They couldn’t see me face to face due to COVID restrictions and so I had a over the phone talk with the doctor while at work. I told her everything. I am waiting to be called in to have a blood test taken but it could be a while as there is a waiting list due to blood vials not being available. The doctor also asked if I would like to be put on mood stabilisers. I panicked at that thought as my dad was scitsophrenic (still not sure how to spell that word) my dad was a zombie on medication. And I refused them and said I couldn’t have time off work as I feel it is what is grounding me at the moment.

I’m just lost right now. I have woke up today at 4am and I’m crying because I don’t understand what is going on with me. I can’t seem to pull myself together.

My life is good. I have an amazing partner and three beautiful amazing children who I really am proud of. I have a good job that I genuinely love. So why am I feeling this way?

At the moment one day I’m good and can do anything. Then all of a sudden I’m crying for no actual reason. I’m irritable and snappy also. My mind just seems really jumbled and I can never ever get a full nights sleep. Yesterday I got 6 and half hours sleep and I felt so much better but then last night it messed up again by waking up at 4am. I’m so forgetful about silly things also. I flit from one task to another and forget about the other thing I was doing until I see what I was doing before and remember. My appetite is completely gone. I’m forcing myself to eat though. My libido seems to have also now disappeared.

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Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Confused, sad, possibly bipolar

Postby epitaph » Mon Sep 27, 2021 12:24 pm

Dear sarahj,

Welcome to the forum, (not a place that any of us thought we would ever need to frequent let alone read or reply to other peoples posts...)

I don't know if you expected, wanted or wished for some form of reply, but here goes...

I am so sorry you are going through this, I recall the realisation of my rational mind recognising that something is not right and what on earth is wrong with me? Along with questioning my thoughts, feelings and emotions in an attempt to detect when these were not in fact real or can't be accurate as there was no basis for the way I was feeling. Likewise with their intensity ... Why do I feel such a strong emotion when there is no reason that I should ? The experience creating a huge sense of unease, whilst flitting from one task to another in ones brain, in starting one task which would almost immediately trigger a thought to think I should be doing something else... so draining and tiring.. Appreciating where one's behaviour is being influenced by what you are experiencing provides self insight and awareness, even if it's very difficult to control.

I hope that by writing down what you have been going through this will have helped you at least take stock (for what its worth), as to where you are and what has happened, (I share your belief with medication, rightly or wrongly I've never taken any) and also recognise that on the whole I'm ok now.

I've intentionally not provided any advice as you will work out what is best for you, others may provide some. I so hope things improve for you (and knowing that you are not alone in what you are going through), take care...
Last edited by epitaph on Mon Oct 04, 2021 7:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2021 12:05 am

Re: Confused, sad, possibly bipolar

Postby dsds » Mon Oct 04, 2021 12:22 am

Hi Sarah, I really feel where you are coming from and it's good (but not good lol) to know I'm not the only one like this. I've gone from highly sociable and well turned out to an unkempt hermit who doesn't want to face or speak to people. No motivation or desire for anything other than being in bed. Nothing gets done any more. I get the odd high where suddenly I feel great but it is soon gone! I hope you find a fix, I'm starting here and will see what my doctor can do but I don't hold out much help there. Good luck and I will definitely share any good avenues and sources I come across as you sound so similar to where I am.

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Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2021 11:27 am

Re: Confused, sad, possibly bipolar

Postby helenl » Wed Oct 06, 2021 12:13 pm

Hi Sarahj,
How do you feel about asking your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist or is that not what you feel right for you?
I was quite frightened of receiving a diagnosis but it helped with medication and luckily I had a good Doctor who let me be a part of deciding the right drug to suit me.
I do hope you get the right support from your Doctor they sound supportive

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