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Don't Know What's Going To Happen

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Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2021 9:42 pm

Don't Know What's Going To Happen

Postby cheekycharlie1 » Wed Sep 01, 2021 9:45 pm

Warning, this post contains swearing and some stuff which may upset people)

I've never been here before but I think I need to be. I'm in a bit of a state tonight and to be honest the next few days are going to be very difficult for me and to be fair the rest of the year is not shaping up well either.

I won't go into details here but earlier this year I had an horrific piece of news which has come close to destroying everything about myself. In February I discovered that a condition that I had been told I had when I was 16 (for the record I'm now 43) had been misdiagnosed. To cut a very long story short after a battery of tests and scans (all of which proved negative) I have an appointment next Tuesday to see a neurologist and that should hopefully be the beginning of the end of this. I say "hopefully" because I can't be certain of anything anymore.

I was struggling to cope even before this what with the Pandemic, the depressing news and the terrifying amount of conspiracy theories around but this piece of news felt like a kick in the bollocks and truth be told I'm amazed I'm still here.

This whole "paradigm shift" (I hate that phrase) has brought into sharp focus a lot of thing about my life which are fucked up. I had a lot of issues growing up which even now have left me scarred both physically and psychologically and despite me trying to get them dealt with they are still in my head.

The shock of the mis-diagnosis made me realise that I need help. So I rang my local mental health team in February and am now waiting for my first appointment which fingers crossed should be this month.

I've never been the most confident and upbeat of people for obvious reasons but this for me is one of the the most serious situations I've ever found myself in and I have been in some real messes including nearly dying at least twice. There are some days I don't want to get out of bed. I have to force myself to get up and move and the days seem so long and bloody depressing. (For the record I can't work due to ill health).

I can't trust people and don't have many people to turn to. Some of my family are helping me through this but others really don't give a fuck.

I keep telling myself that I'm going to get through this, that nothing lasts forever but its the "afterwards" that worries me the most.

I don't know if this will resonate with anyone and I;m not even sure whether this is the right kind of forum to talk about this but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading

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Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2021 1:59 am

Re: Don't Know What's Going To Happen

Postby -maria » Thu Sep 02, 2021 2:24 am

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear you feel so lost. A lot of what you said really resonates with me. I was diagnosed late in life too, I've wondered what differences could have been made if I'd known from being a kid why I was the way I was but it's just more wasted time and makes me feel resentment and self pity, the first two bitches I meet on the way down to bashing whats left of my self worth and leaves me on my ass in low self esteem, self loathing and frustration. Then back up(coz I'm actually a pretty optimistic upbeat person by nature) I'm half way through my life now (if I'm lucky) I'm just working on damage limitation by keeping my circle small as I can and focusing on one priority at a time. Making time for myself as been hard when for months at a time I lose my motivation to have fun but I'm still working on it. Good luck, I really hope you find some solid support and enjoy a little fun and peace soon.

Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2021 9:42 pm

Re: Don't Know What's Going To Happen

Postby cheekycharlie1 » Thu Sep 02, 2021 7:06 pm

Thanks for replying. I've got my first appointment on Monday.

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