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Feeling hopeless

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Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:41 pm

Feeling hopeless

Postby padfoot » Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:59 pm

Hi everyone, I'm new to this website and just found it today after looking for mental health forums on google. I'm 22 and really struggling recently with feelings of hopelessness. I've had mental health issues since I was a pre teen and over the past year have been suspecting that I have BPD or something similar but no diagnosis of that yet, just anxiety and depression. Around a year ago I took an overdose and thought I could never feel worse than I did then, but recently I have surprised myself in how bad I have felt. About a month ago my boyfriend moved 4 hours away for a temporary job which he will be at for a few months, neither of us drive so we have to rely on trains to see each other and he is working almost every day anyway. I didn't realise how much I relied on the stability of our relationship to be happy until he left and now my mental health issues feel worse than ever. I feel like I cant be happy unless I'm with him and am constantly waiting for him to message or ring me , not to mention the panic attacks I get thinking about him meeting someone and cheating on me. I know it isn't healthy to be so reliant on a partner for your happiness but I don't know how to change it and I have been like this with every serious partner I have ever had, it's like my whole life revolves around them and if I'm with them and everything is fine I'm on top of the world but equally if I can't see them or we're having an argument or break up I feel like my world has collapsed. My mum is an alcoholic and has been since I was 11 so I assume my anxiety around abandonment and such comes from there but I still don't know how to get over this. I'm scared of how I would cope if me and my current boyfriend broke up as I suspect it would be the worst I'd ever felt due to the seriousness of our relationship compared to my other exes. I can't talk to anyone about this really as I find it embarrasing how much I rely on him for happiness and know my friends would just tell me it's not normal (Which it isn't to be fair) and I can't talk to him about it because I don't think it would be fair to him and would cause him to feel a lot of pressure I imagine. Sorry this is so long. If anyone has advice or anyone can relate I would love to hear from you.

Posts: 1
Joined: Sun May 09, 2021 7:23 pm

Re: Feeling hopeless

Postby sm678 » Sun May 09, 2021 7:40 pm

This sounds really painful, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s absolutely not your fault you feel this way so you shouldn’t be embarrassed. I think you should be in a way proud of yourself for being so aware of your thoughts and feelings. I have similar difficulties in that my relationship can be the difference between feeling so so happy or cripplingly sad and scared. I try not to show it to my partner as like you say I don’t want to add pressure. The only thing I feel helps is knowing that the intense worry or sadness will pass and if I can distract myself for 30 minutes or so I will feel better when the intense emotion passes and I can have a more balanced view of the fear / worry etc. II use crosswords or looking at nice photos to distract. I think trying to be kind to yourself too, it sounds like you had difficult relationships as a child so it’s no wonder as a young adult important relationships can be tricky for you, that really really isn’t your fault and I hope there are people in your life who can understand that.

Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 7:21 pm

Re: Feeling hopeless

Postby mycouriertracker » Tue Jun 01, 2021 7:29 pm

Ask for help. Howes frequently tells his clients that “hopelessness is often just a powerful reminder that we can’t do it all by ourselves. Many situations that feel or truly are hopeless to an individual suddenly becomes doable when other people get involved.”

Maybe you can ask your loved ones for help or a different perspective. Maybe you can talk to members of your church or synagogue. Maybe you can join an online or in-person support group.

Change the goal. “If the situation is truly unchangeable, is there a way to change the goal?” said Howes, co-creator of the Mental Health Boot Camp, online program that helps to strengthen your well-being.

Howes gave these examples: If you can’t leave your job, your goal becomes to make it enjoyable and meaningful for you. If your spouse won’t change their ways, your goal becomes to change yourself, your routines and/or your friendships so you can meet more of your needs. If you can’t change a life-altering diagnosis, your goal becomes to face it with dignity, self-compassion and strength.

Focus on purpose. Boyd, also co-creator of the Mental Health Boot Camp, stressed the importance of focusing on what gives you meaning and purpose in these four areas: connection, passion, cause and spirituality.

That is, how can you connect to your partner, friends, family and colleagues? What creativity-fostering hobby or interest can you pursue? How can you help others? How might you ease their suffering? What fulfills you spiritually? Is it praying, meditating or spending time in nature or doing something else?

Think in moments. Maybe you feel hopeless about the future, about a year from now or a month from now. So focus on this very moment. Focus on this very minute. As Therese Borchard beautifully writes for readers with depression, “All you have to do is persevere for 15 minutes at a time and be as gentle with yourself as you would a scared child in the middle of a thunderstorm.”

Remember change takes time (and many steps). For instance, an illness like depression doesn’t dissipate with one or two changes, Howes said. Rather, you might need to change your sleep habits. You might need to start moving your body. You might need to take medication and to see a therapist. You might need to do these things for some time before you see significant results.

“If you can take things one-by-one, day-by-day, and stay patient, you’ll gradually begin to see change,” Howes said.

Seek therapy (or a different therapist). You can go to therapy at any time, Howes said, and it’s especially important when your hopelessness is affecting your ability to work, to appreciate things you’ve always appreciated or to spend time with your loved ones. (Your hopelessness might be a sign of depression.)

Maybe you’re already working with a therapist, but it feels like you’re not getting anywhere. Voice your concerns. Always be upfront in therapy about how you’re feeling, and what is and isn’t working. (Here’s some insight into red flags that a therapist isn’t right for you.) And maybe you need to work with someone else.

If you’re taking medication that seems ineffective, maybe you need a different dose. Maybe you need a different medication, or a different combination of medication. Maybe you’d like to work with a different doctor.

And “if hopelessness has led you to start thinking about harming yourself or ending your life, please make seeking help your top priority,” Howes said. “This includes calling 911, if your impulse or wish to harm yourself feels beyond your control.” Or you might contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or the Crisis Text Line and text HOME to 741741.

It’s vital to also remember that hopelessness is a feeling, not an ultimate reality, Howes said. And feelings are fleeting, he said.

Plus, just because you think change isn’t possible, that doesn’t make it true. Boyd noted that all of us have the ability to rewire our brains. “How we choose to focus our minds and act can change the pathways within the brain and help improve our mental and physical health.”

As Boyd added, “This is a profound message of hope, rooted in sound science.”

Sometimes, it feels like your sense of hope is so shaky, so fragile. But this shakiness, this fragility may be pointing to a false story you need to revise. It might be pointing to a change you need to make or a goal you need to adjust. It might be pointing to an unmet need.

In other words, that hopelessness isn’t a sign that you need to give up. It’s a sign that you need to pivot or redirect—which is something you can absolutely do. And there’s real, tangible hope in that.
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