I don’t know if this is the right room but I need to say this to someone.
I am 54 years and live at home with my mum. Always have done and always will. There are reasons for this and it has taken a year of counselling and EMDR to understand why, plus a lot of other things. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and am taking anti-depressants. I have been taking them for about four years and am trying to reduce them. Slowly. I know this isn’t the best time though!
I am working from home because of COVID-19 and finding it hard, being 24/7 with my mum. She is elderly and frustrating and very trying at times. She too suffers with depression and I find it very hard to stay positive and help her. I made a stupid promise when I was 8 years old and she was having a nervous breakdown to make things better for her. I am still trying but feel as though I am failing.
She has driven me to suicidal thoughts and self harming recently. Although it is all done unconsciously, I’m sure. Tomorrow/today is her birthday and I am trying to make it a nice day with a picnic (possibly indoors) and bunting and I have even made a cake. But all she goes on about is how much money I have spent and it is all a worry and making her anxious and she won’t sleep tonight. And I am feeling more and more guilty about the whole thing. Her granddaughter is coming to us (the first time anyone has been in our flat) but we are going to socially distance and be sensible. But she is making mountains out of molehills. And I just want to scream at her and shake her and I know she is old and things are awful and but I am finding this so hard. And if I tell my brother he just gets shouty and that really doesn’t help.
And I don’t get any real privacy which is why I am sitting here in the dark, gone midnight, typing this.
And I don’t know any more. I know that there is nothing anyone can do. She is old and difficult and I love her but there are times when I wonder what it would be like to have my own home, freedom to do what I want when I want, how much longer I can take this without breaking.
Thank you for listening.