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Can anyone help/shed light on my experience?

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Joined: Sat May 09, 2020 9:41 pm

Can anyone help/shed light on my experience?

Postby kabra » Sat May 09, 2020 10:25 pm

It's difficult too know where too start but Ill focus on the main point that is scaring me
And what I maybe missing/not understanding.

About 3 years ago, too escape my problems I started smoking weed. I smoked heavily for about two
Years. towards the end, I was gearing up too quit and get my life in order
When I had a big binge on the stuff. My mind got really parinoid over the space of a few days
And was convinced of a global conspiracy. Strangely this all came too head whilst listening
Too Adales 'Hello' and I freaked, it was like something/someone was speaking too me from 'the otherside'
and they was on one side and they the other, I saw like a wave of light leave me and
I suddenly panicked like I've never panicked before. I can only describe it as seeing death/hell. It was horrific and traumatic.

I proceeded too tell a doctor about this and was sent too see a Councillor who I have been with since then.
I came off the weed and then started making slow strides. But I then had an episode completely
Clean. On a work placement I had everyone around me telling me
What I was doing wrong in my life, like they could read my mind. I was off all medication by this point.
Something similar happened both times I relapsed on the weed with people reading my mind.

Since this event, I am much better than what I was, I now have a job I am holding down and had
A semi successful relationship which unfortunately ended but I learned alot but
I still feel like somethings missing. I don't really feel like I used too. That gut feeling has been silenced for the most part
Except on the rare occasion I'm in bed and my whole state changes for a few moments and I don't know what's happening.

I still have parinoid thoughts sometimes, for example the other day the song
'Youre so vain' came on at work and I actually thought the song was about me as she said the lyrics 'I bet you think this song is
About you' which Freaked me out. but I am able too rationalise it despite the panic.
I still feel apathetic most days and just feel like giving up sometimes. I just feel in a
Dark place and hopeless. I even pray too god despite not believing in God for some
Sort of desperate answer that I'm looking for, It almost feels like
I died that night, that I split, into a different reality or something, I don't know, this is just how I feel.

I had one spliff in over 2 years a couple of months ago (Mistake) and I felt good for the first time in years but shortly after all I was thinking about and feeling was I have too die. The videos I was watching on YouTube was telling me stuff like I had too die and the justification for it despite the video being 'What went wrong with spinoff of friends, Joey'.
I'm aware I was high at the time but it feels very real and I felt like the drugs let me know some truths I'm avoiding or something like that. As my normal day too day functioning is simply autopilot, but I haven't touched it since.

I feel stupid and guilty, this could all be just the drugs and I tripped hard but Im struggling too forget and for difinivie answers. I don't feel free and the very rare occasion I do get emotional is when I'm watching something and some is 'Freed' I feel trapped like I am doomed or in prison.
I might over thinking everything and making a mountain out of molehills but I simply don't know.
. I still go too councilling and am making small strides but I feel I need too open this experience up too more people for my own sanity.
It might be nothing at all and I just can't shake being able too shake the parinoid thinking I don't know, Or there is some divine plan and death I must incur.
And I'm sorry if this isn't what the fourm is for or if I am just being silly.

Thanks in advance

Posts: 2
Joined: Wed May 27, 2020 3:11 pm

Re: Can anyone help/shed light on my experience?

Postby psychnurse » Wed May 27, 2020 5:56 pm

Hi Matt,

Its a tricky one when drugs are involved and I'm sure other people have similar experiences where drugs have altered their perception. Without getting to know you a lot better it would be difficult to say exactly what the issues are but to some extent it sounds like you're aware of them.

It can be a bit of a double edged sword that, the awareness can bring with it shame and anxiety, but if you were not aware other people might start responding to you differently leaving you feeling misunderstood and isolated. Do talk to people you trust, It can help. Sometimes they might share similar things helping you feel less alone, sometimes they might help ground you to reality, sometimes simply listening really helps but I understand that first step is difficult. It took me years to share similar experiences I had which frightened me briefly. I felt people were talking about me in some kind of code, it took all of my concentration reading between the lines of what they were saying to find the underlying message and it always had something to do with what I was most insecure about in myself. I sometimes even felt i could read others minds. Fortunately it didn't last more than a day for me but the worry that it might come back, or noticing small things that made me think it could be happening again kept returning.

What helped me make sense of it was understanding how the things I noticed in the world were only being noticed by me because my perception was drawn to them. I only thought people were talking about my insecurities using some kind of code because I was preoccupied with my insecurities. I don't know if you feel the same as that but your story did remind me a little of that time in my life.

I don't touch the drugs anymore because I know what to expect when I do, that stuff all comes immediately back. Sometimes I've felt like, a little can't hurt, and then found myself cowering under a duvet listening to the conversation outside trying to figure it all out again. It took me a few times making a mistake like that to truly accept that "that isn't for me" but if it is offered to me nowadays i find it easier to say no "it gives me the fear" and people get it, I don't feel nearly as judged about it as I expected to be.

It probably sounds strange hearing this from a professional but I guess that's what anonymity allows for. We all feel ashamed of telling these stories sometimes but it might have happened to more people than you think. Anyway, I hope it helps to hear someone else's story but don't jump to conclusions without first talking to a professional in person (or perhaps video nowadays). If this is something you feel you need help with, and if you're worried about it happening without the drugs, try to decide together what is the best thing moving forward so you can be the you you want to be.

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