It's difficult too know where too start but Ill focus on the main point that is scaring me
And what I maybe missing/not understanding.
About 3 years ago, too escape my problems I started smoking weed. I smoked heavily for about two
Years. towards the end, I was gearing up too quit and get my life in order
When I had a big binge on the stuff. My mind got really parinoid over the space of a few days
And was convinced of a global conspiracy. Strangely this all came too head whilst listening
Too Adales 'Hello' and I freaked, it was like something/someone was speaking too me from 'the otherside'
and they was on one side and they the other, I saw like a wave of light leave me and
I suddenly panicked like I've never panicked before. I can only describe it as seeing death/hell. It was horrific and traumatic.
I proceeded too tell a doctor about this and was sent too see a Councillor who I have been with since then.
I came off the weed and then started making slow strides. But I then had an episode completely
Clean. On a work placement I had everyone around me telling me
What I was doing wrong in my life, like they could read my mind. I was off all medication by this point.
Something similar happened both times I relapsed on the weed with people reading my mind.
Since this event, I am much better than what I was, I now have a job I am holding down and had
A semi successful relationship which unfortunately ended but I learned alot but
I still feel like somethings missing. I don't really feel like I used too. That gut feeling has been silenced for the most part
Except on the rare occasion I'm in bed and my whole state changes for a few moments and I don't know what's happening.
I still have parinoid thoughts sometimes, for example the other day the song
'Youre so vain' came on at work and I actually thought the song was about me as she said the lyrics 'I bet you think this song is
About you' which Freaked me out. but I am able too rationalise it despite the panic.
I still feel apathetic most days and just feel like giving up sometimes. I just feel in a
Dark place and hopeless. I even pray too god despite not believing in God for some
Sort of desperate answer that I'm looking for, It almost feels like
I died that night, that I split, into a different reality or something, I don't know, this is just how I feel.
I had one spliff in over 2 years a couple of months ago (Mistake) and I felt good for the first time in years but shortly after all I was thinking about and feeling was I have too die. The videos I was watching on YouTube was telling me stuff like I had too die and the justification for it despite the video being 'What went wrong with spinoff of friends, Joey'.
I'm aware I was high at the time but it feels very real and I felt like the drugs let me know some truths I'm avoiding or something like that. As my normal day too day functioning is simply autopilot, but I haven't touched it since.
I feel stupid and guilty, this could all be just the drugs and I tripped hard but Im struggling too forget and for difinivie answers. I don't feel free and the very rare occasion I do get emotional is when I'm watching something and some is 'Freed' I feel trapped like I am doomed or in prison.
I might over thinking everything and making a mountain out of molehills but I simply don't know.
. I still go too councilling and am making small strides but I feel I need too open this experience up too more people for my own sanity.
It might be nothing at all and I just can't shake being able too shake the parinoid thinking I don't know, Or there is some divine plan and death I must incur.
And I'm sorry if this isn't what the fourm is for or if I am just being silly.
Thanks in advance