I don't think they appreciate the impact of that
agree with this! I think your DBT therapist would be saddened to see that you are struggling and that a complaint has been warranted. In no way will she regard you as a failure.
I'm relieved that you're not going to the conference. This is not a failure, but rather an act of self-awareness and self-care. Besides, your manager isn't going either.
Thank you for your reassurance regarding my care coordinator. I was pissed off by her flippant response. Sometimes, I feel like an inconvenience and like she thinks I am making something out of nothing to get meds. Then I realised, I don't need a woman I see once every couple of months to diagnose me. I know my own condition.
It's not reactive to the job loss, end of relationship and moving back home.
The depression caused the job loss, end of relationship and moving back home.
depressed for leaving my job, relationship and the bedsit.
At the root of the depression was unfulfillment and loneliness (i.e. not having a deep and meaningful emotional connection and not feeling a sense of belonging).
So I didn't go to work. I got up and ready and waited for the bus. Then turned home. It was a massive struggle to get that far and I knew that I was setting myself to fail. I know I'm not up to split shifts, working alone and 20 minute bus rides there and back. It's full-on.
But, tonight, (as I did before when I left my last job), I feel better for it. There's a part of me that's like, "I don't want to do this! I hate this job! It makes me miserable!", then comes "well what makes YOU so special? LOADS of people hate their job and are depressed but still work", and then again "well why don't I deserve more? I only live once. I want more!"
I have such an enormity of shame for not working. I am not claiming anything and I am in a place where I am, at present, able to manage financially.
I 100% agree with you about if there was an option to die you would take it
I'm really, really sorry that you feel this way.
No, I don't have any friends. I like the people in my support group and Church (they're late 50s-90s!) but I don't have my own friends, you know? Definitely up for the lonely gang! There is so much need for this, seriously!
Are there any opportunities locally for you to meet new people? (I know you said it's difficult with your partner... but what about meeting people through your sister?) Is there anything you and your partner could do together that would give an opportunity for you to meet new people?
I've exhausted all opportunities to meet people in my local area over the last few years.
Hence the online dating avenue.
Well, I cancelled my visit to the community because of my depression. The priest friend replied that he wouldn't notify this change for three days in case I change my mind. He is not a pushy person, so he's clearly keen for me to come here. My parents may be able to assist me in getting there and back (the transport issue causes great anxiety).
Interestingly, my mother reminded me today that at Christmastime (just before I came off my meds.... the downwards dip came mid-Jan until now), I was functioning (worked a LOT) but I wasn't in a good place. She reminded me that I didn't go to church all over Christmas (I always do this) because I felt I would become so upset about everything that I've lost (i.e. community, belonging, faith-focused life, happiness, fulfillment, friendship etc. …. during India and the months before).
This loss and consequential unfulfillment and isolation is what caused my depression when I returned home some 3.5 years ago! And, whilst not as raw, the feelings still persist so obviously I am longing for something MORE in my life.
If I can put in place people to help me get to the community then I feel I have more chance of going there. It's similar to you and your manager travelling together! If that had been the case, you would have gone to the conference.
Because otherwise my life here is …. crap jobs, misery, loneliness, RUT.
I'm back on the maximum of sertraline. Probably too quick (I feel so nauseas) but stuff it. I need me some serotonin, man!
Also I've signed up for my third online diploma which starts tomorrow in criminology. Keep the ol' brain active.
In other news, I've a date planned for Sunday.
Let me know how you're doing.