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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Sep 24, 2021 9:49 pm

Hey! :)

Thank you. Initially my anxiety around the job was really high. I think a lot of that was down to me not having any time to actually process it and sort out all the pre-employment paperwork.

Yesterday, I had my first day off in two weeks :shock: so decided to take up the job and thus managed to sort the documents. Start date probably won't be for a while so I haven't said anything to my boss just yet. They're desperately short staffed at my current workplace and (whilst they don't give two figs about me), I am considerate enough to hold off giving in my two week's notice until I have a definite start date. The boss has just broken her ankle and is off for 4-6 weeks.

My care co. didn't tell the psychiatrist I'd changed address so he called my old house phone. So I missed the call. :roll: I've finally sent in my registration forms for the GP surgery so once I get an appointment I can self-refer to the local cmht.

Ehhhm so turns out a week or so after the football, his mum told my boyfriend that she saw me giving him the eye not to say anything about my parents coming with us to the game when we hadn't invited her. She told him she thought I was rude. He regretted telling me this when I reacted by crying and saying "I knew she hated me! Well, I don't care what she thinks anyways!" Today, he told her we'd decided not to go to an upcoming rugby game (which we'd planned to go to with her after the uninvited football game episode) because "rugby wasn't really our thing".
I think he would have said that rugby wasn't really my thing because it's not :lol: although he denied this. Oh well, can't please 'em all. I didn't mean any harm and I only wanted to spare her feelings.

My partner and mother both seem majorly worried about me. Above all, my mother is worried. She came over yesterday and I honestly couldn't wait for her to go. Nothing bad happened or anything. I just wanted to be alone. She's really concerned about the amount of work I'm doing. She really wants me to get out of this horrible workplace and is thrilled about the new job. I think she has high hopes that it will fix my current problems by giving me that sense of appreciation and self-worth that the shit place I've been working so damn hard at has sucked out of me. Although she did say today that if I carry on I won't be working at the hospital but will be a patient there. :roll:

I'm so sorry to hear that S has been so hostile. You really don't deserve that. :cry:

You have no reason to feel guilty. I'm glad that you were able to have a lovely time. :)

I'm glad you've got back some personal space and have moved into your bedroom.
Argh, I'm really sorry that she benefits from the money your parents put in :x You're right though, and I totally get you, just draw that line and do what you have to do to get it done.

Aw that sounds like a really positive final session. Well done you! Great that you really like your care co. and that you get on well too. :)

Yes, phew! I had the period. Have absolutely no desire for any physical intimacy and think a fear of pregnancy could be a part of it.

I'm okay. Hope you're doing okay, too.

Em x

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Sep 28, 2021 3:34 pm

Hi Em

I'm glad you're not pregnant, not because I don't think you'd be a great Mum because I do, but because I know how much its not for you, right now. I bet that came as a relief.

It sounds like his Mum likes to take things in the worse way she can imagine. To me, it would have been obvious what you were doing when you gave the boyfriend the 'eye' but she is determined to be difficult. Do you see much of his Dad?

I understand your reluctance to announce your new job whilst they're so short staffed. How easy is it for them to recruit? Its good that you know the end is in sight for you where you are, hopefully that will make any remaining shifts a bit easier to put up with.

Any sign of an appointment with your new practice?

S went away last Tuesday and I haven't heard from her since. I'm assuming she is dog-sitting again as they've had a family bereavement in Poland so they've had to go there. Its been very quiet and peaceful but I'm getting anxious again now because I don't know when she is coming back and it could be any day now.

When I did the 1st walk back in July I met a girl H who was separating from her partner of 3 years. We chatted for a while with some of the others - she was introverted (like me) and we became facebook friends but didn't message each other. She couldn't do the walk this month but messaged me and said about meeting up for a coffee. I wasn't sure how that would go, being nervous and pretty quiet with new people I'm often better with someone more outgoing just to get me going. Anyway, we met for a coffee at 4.30, moved to somewhere to get food at 7, left there at 9 as it closed and then stood for another 2 hours chatting in the foyer. So no danger of a shortage in conversation. She has messaged me every day since. I don't know if it means anything or not. I've never done the dating thing so don't know any signs. We're both only just coming out of complex relationships so I'm assuming it means nothing but you know when its all so new and confusing? What do you think?

I'm thinking of emailing my therapist that I saw from 2008 - 2010, just to tell her about separating from S. She'll totally understand what a huge thing it is but I don't know if it will open up some old emotions and feelings I had and then I'll also start expecting a reply even though I'll tell myself not to. Would I just be setting myself up for an emotional fall? I just don't know :?

How do you feel about people worrying about you? Hopefully, once you've changed jobs, things will settle. You do need to be in a different environment and it should make a huge difference. How is your eating (please ignore that question if its too personal)?

How are things now with his Mum? She definitely sounds very high maintenance :evil:

Hope you're doing OK, huge hugs and lots of love


Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sun Oct 03, 2021 2:34 pm

Hey :)

Yes, it did come as a relief.

Now I know I can get away with taking a sneaky peak at my boyfriend's phone (and now that my suspicions that his mother dearest :roll: hates me are confirmed), I can't help myself from doing it. It's not that I don't trust him, it's just some weird desire to check out if his mum is slating me. She has a massive influence on him. I've just come through a few days of depression. He chose plans with me over plans his mother had made for him to lend a hand without asking him. He said to her that I hadn't been doing well to which she replied "She never is. Get her to a doctor." She's very negative, yeah. His dad's not on the scene. He left when he was four. He was abusive. The family is very complex.

Oh the care home have been trying to recruit for ages. Nobody wants to work there. One new recruit just now lasted about a week because the carers were bullying her. A few comments from other staff putting me down and I fell into the same pattern as always... overworking, thinking I'm super woman, crashing out, calling in sick... due back in Monday, though. Hopefully only a few more weeks left there.

I've got a telephone appointment with the GP on 12th October.

How were things with S returning?

H sounds lovely and your friendship sounds like a really positive influence in your life right now.
One thing I'll ask, do you want it to mean anything? Have you seen each other since?

Did you email your therapist?

I think the worrying is unnecessary. My eating's not great at all, but it's not getting worse. No more weight loss.

I'm okay, though. How are you doing?

Take care of yourself,

Em xx

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so sad
Posts: 254
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Thu Oct 07, 2021 9:35 am

Hi Em

I would be doing exactly the same thing with his phone. I'm not convinced knowing she is slating you is a good thing but I would find it impossible to not check nevertheless. I think his mother is a very selfish and uncaring woman. She clearly has no compassion or empathy which I find hard to understand. I know some of that could have come from her husband leaving but still no excuse.

How has work been this week? I know how hard it can be to go back after time off of any kind especially when you hate it as much as you do. To be honest, I don't know how you do it. That kind of place would have had me leaving a long time ago.

I have seen H since. We met for a coffee on Saturday and spent 5 hours together which didn't feel enough. I still can't work out how I feel. We message each other every day and I like that. She bought me a notebook with my name on and printed on was ' a new chapter' and a phrase from my favourite musical. Very sweet of her. From her messages, I get the impression she is interested but I have never gone through this before so I really don't know how to read things. The age difference bothers me a bit. me and S had 20 years between us with her being the older woman and this is the same difference but with me being the older woman. It all feels very confusing.

I still haven't emailed my therapist and still can't decide if I should do it or not. I know I'll desperately want a response which will probably not happen. I need to be able to manage my own expectations.

I'm glad you're not losing weight and maybe your Mum will calm down a bit once you've left where you work and start somewhere better and safer for your mental health.

I'm very stressed about work at the minute. My work was finally coming back and now its been put on hold with the potential of it not happening at all. I really don't think I can do other stuff again like I've done since covid. The whole situation makes me feel ill and I do wonder if I can stay in work if that happens. Should find out in the next week or so.

Hope you get on OK at the docs on the 12th. Please be honest with them.

Love and hugs


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