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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Nov 12, 2020 1:27 pm

Hello! :D

Double whammy, as promised.

Absolutely no need to apologise. What you said rings true. I am more in control of the illness than it is of me, but I also want to conceal its existence. I appreciate an honest, insightful and objective view because it helps me to see things I didn't before as well as things I might be trying not to see. So, thank you. :)

I'm sorry to hear that you feel lonely. <3 Do you have the radio or television on in the background whilst working from home? A talk show/interviews can help with the sense of being surrounded by people chatting. (just switch over at the news). Uplifting music helps, too. How about taking a walk on your break just to have the sense of community seeing other people out and about. Fresh air and light exercise can help lift mood, too.

Have you been able to visit your parents and sister recently? Would it be appropriate to meet your friend colleague and/or boss and/or GP friend in person for a (socially distanced) cuppa some time? Have you made any contact with your GP friend and members from your DBT support group?

I know it's virtual and you don't really like the whole zoom thing, but would it be possible to join in with any virtual staff meetings? It may give the sense of an office environment?

I hope some of these suggestions might help. I'm sorry if they're way off or stating the obvious.

Thanks for explaining the dynamics of your relationship. I get that. Love is love and each couple is unique. Do you get on with any of your partners friends? I know bloody corona makes everything so difficult, but depending on your location, are you able to meet safely at a social distance with your partner and her friends? If not, how would you feel about a zoom pub quiz?
Do you think any of this would help your relationship? Or would it be a big no-no?

Forgive me for being untoward, but are there any aspects of your relationship that are positive?
Is there anything that you enjoy doing together? If so, perhaps trying more of that could help?

Try not to think of the relationship and work as a whole. Break down your problems into teeny, tiny bite sized chunks. The babiest of baby steps are still steps towards ultimately improving your mental health and well being in general, at work, at home and in your relationship. A change as simple as calling your GP friend, putting the radio on whilst working from home, going to your appointment on Monday and taking a walk on your break are all still positive changes. Go easy on yourself. Softly, softly. Slowly, slowly.

And LOTS of self-care!! Do things that make you feel good, however small or simple they may seem. Have a long soak in a bubble bath, treat yourself to a new book and cuddle up reading it with your cats on your lap, cook or order in your favourite meal, buy yourself a new outfit... whatever does it for you! :) You deserve it.

Have you ever had CBT for low self-esteem? These worksheets could help you to focus on the positives of YOU and your life: ... elf-Esteem

It's positive that you are open to talking to your sister.

Not taking on work is not a sense of weakness. If it is anxiety that is stopping you, but really you know you'd be able to do it, could you talk this through with your boss and agree to try the work with the option to change your mind if it felt too overwhelming? This is not a sign of weakness or failure. Trying is not failing. Trying is not weak. It shows you are self-aware, humble, honest, brave, committed and hardworking. If you know the anxiety is too much for you, then not asking for this work is also not a sign of weakness. It shows self-awareness, self-preservation, self-care, consideration for the team, honesty and humility. Nobody is demanding this work of you, so there's no expectation for you to ask for it. Nobody will be thinking anything negative towards you. If you're all working from home, your colleagues really have no idea of the specific workload you are taking on anyways. Trust me, people will be far more concerned about how corona and lockdown and working from home is affecting their own lives than about what work their colleagues are or are not taking on. This is proved by the fact that some staff have decided to take early retirement because they cannot cope with working from home. Besides, you know how capable you are. You are an expert in your field and the fact that your work isn't available at present is not a reflection of you and is not your fault whatsoever. Doing different work in a different environment as you are now actually shows how adaptable, persistent, motivated, capable and resilient you are. This is no easy thing to do and it's natural that this will be difficult. Please go easy on yourself.

Wow. I've, erm, gone on a bit. :lol: I might be late in my replies but when I write back, I certainly do write loooooooong posts.

I was supposed to find out about the job yesterday, but no word. Fingers are still crossed.

So after nine weeks of not seeing each other, my boyfriend and I had a massive misunderstanding (my insecurities and overthinking paired with his insecurities and sensitivity) and I broke up with him the day we were supposed to meet.

What followed was full-on. 56 text messages and 20 missed calls (after blocking him on watsapp), turning up at my house crying and telling my mother who answered the door twice that he loved me, and a massive bouquet of flowers the following morning.

We met up last night and talked in person. I realised that anxiety can really overwhelm me.
I overthink everything, expect the worst, fear the worst and predict the negative until I get so overwhelmed that I press "self-destruct" and flick the switch that turns off all rational thought to act with such haste that after it's happened I have to stop to think "did that really happen?"

I've done this, on and off, for years. Once, I had a year-long Indian visa. Six weeks into my trip, I became so overwhelmed that I decided I needed to come home. I booked a flight in that moment and left suddenly early the next day. Who does that?! What followed was a complete mental breakdown. I've had a tendency to plan new ventures and have cancelled last minute. The switch flicks and it's forgotten. Like with my counselling course, most recently. There's a lot I can and could do, but I'm finally settled in my little job in my little town and plan on remaining this way because I know that the way I'm wired stops me from feeling able to take on anymore.

My (again) boyfriend very gently asked if I'd ever thought I may have Bipolar. I knew exactly what he was going to say before he said it. He notices that the anxiety completely overwhelms me and changing my mood suddenly. I don't personally think I have Bipolar, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I had some sort of personality disorder because for years (and I mean seventeen years, although I've only considered this in the last few years) I've felt there's just something "up with", "wrong with" or "within" me.

It's complex because I've had three severe bouts of anorexia which has lurked about in between, and two bouts of clinical depression. So that causes symptoms like cognitive distortions, depression, irrational thoughts and feelings, poor decision making etc. I'm never manic.

Anyways, how was your Halloween? How did you do in the competition for the best decorated house? :D

Sending hugs and positive vibes x

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Nov 13, 2020 4:14 pm

Hi Em

Thank you so much for the advice and guidance - you really help me to rationalise everything and to see that there are skills and techniques that I need to grasp hold of.

So sorry that happened with the boyfriend but so very glad you got it sorted. Bless him for being so sweet and for seeing past your reactions. From what you've said to me, I wouldn't say you are bipolar but obviously I'm no expert. I have borderline personality disorder but the over-controlled version of it, not the outburst, lose control type. I know I'm in the minority with it and it only got spotted when I was doing DBT. Others in the group talked of losing it, hitting walls etc and although all of that was going on in my head, I pushed it all in and over-controlled it which is equally as bad but goes under the radar instead. I totally understand the over-thinking, mind-reading and predicting the future. It affects how I see reality, how I react to it and how I see myself within that distorted reality. My overwhelming anxiety often comes from what I think is happening and how I think others are seeing me. Quite often, I have an urge to react in a certain way, irrational and just wrong and its the fear of how that would be received that makes be push it further down and thats when I end up abusing painkillers and hurting myself. I don't feel that I'm in a safe enough space to just allow my reaction to play out.

I had a chat with my manager yesterday about an occupational health referral. Another colleague of mine who I ended up crying down the phone to on Tuesday suggested it would be good for me to have it. So I raised it and ended up crying all over again. She said that she knows how ill I am based on the fact that I never cry no mater how bad I feel so to not be able to stop it demonstrated how ill I am. She tried to suggest I wasn't fit for work (had a meltdown on Wednesday and as a direct result of work wanted to self harm) but not working would really send me over the edge, literally. The thought of spending 24/7 with just my partner is unbearable. So although I hate work, dread it etc, it does give me a bit of structure. Time away from my other half albeit only in a different room.

Has BPD (borderline) ever been mentioned to you? I can see that I've had in since a child but it was only recognised in a chance appointment with a psychologist about 3 years ago - hence the DBT. Knowing I have it makes so much sense. When I've discussed it with my partner (very rarely gets discussed) she said I react with almost a smile and I have to explain it isn't a smile but its a reaction to finally having an explanation for whats wrong with me. Add to the mix I'm menopausal and here I am - a suicidal mess.

I do listen to relaxing music during the day, I can still work with it and it helps to a degree. I speak to my manager about 3 times a week and one of those is on skype. I also so a skype team meeting once a week which means I'm on camera and it makes me feel uncomfortable but what doesn't.

We'll be working at home until next June at the earliest - shoot me now!

I saw my parents, individually, for a 30 minute walk last Sunday and I'll try for the same this weekend. My GP friend actually text me the other day and we are going out for an afternoon walk next Thursday. I so want a hug from her which obviously I can't have.
I had my niece last week for the day as emergency child care and it was lovely although, as always, my partner kicked off about something in the car and tries to make a thing about where I see her in my priorities and she always does it on a day I have my niece which is so unfair and its always unfounded. And she wonders why my self-esteem is rock-bottom :evil: Having her for the day was great and my sister said I could hug her which was amazing. I miss her so much.

I did a course at the beginning of the year all about self esteem through the mental health team but it made no impact. I did all the exercises etc but nothing.
I'm at the stage where I'm my own worst enemy - I don't practice the skills etc because I feel so dreadful, so near the end of my tether but then the skills would help that. At work, I could get moved to other work but I'm too terrified to even contemplate it. I feel very trapped by my own limitations.

Let me know about the work situation when you know.

How have your appointments gone recently?

I've got a list ready for Monday's appointment with the psych - its definitely on line so kind of face-to-face. I'm scared I'll not get everything across but we'll see.

Our house did look great at Halloween but there has been no mention of the comp so either no-one judged it or we just didn't win.

Quite a few near me have there Christmas lights up but I'm not in that space yet. Christmas doesn't feel real as it won't be right because even if the government say we can see family, my mum is too vulnerable for us to go near her. I hate it :cry:

When you judge yourself about India and the counselling course, I see it as a brave thing to do. If that was me, I may get the thought that its something I want to do but I would bottle out before even making a decision. You get much further which is a brave thing to do - the fact that you realise its not right shows you have an awareness for what is right for you at that time. You tried which is more than I do. Please don't give yourself a hard time for trying to do something so big, its an achievement as it is.

Well, I've certainly gone on. So much in my head that always tends to spill out when I write to you :)

Lots f love and hugs and take great care


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat Dec 05, 2020 4:54 pm

Hiya! :)

How are you doing?

Thank you for opening up about having borderline personality disorder. I know I'm not bipolar. My being impulsive was a consequence of anxiety.

What is your current situation with regards to work? Did you have the occupational health referral? Did your manager get the position?

BPD has never been mentioned to me. Knowing you have it must have felt like a weight off your shoulders. Your smile is warranted. An expression of relief, understanding and clarity! :)

The positives are (I'll always eke out the positive no matter the situation) that the menopause passes and that going to work in June will come. Keep focusing on what can make each temporary issue more manageable at present. You're putting positive measures in place - relaxing music, skyping colleagues, visiting parents, meeting your GP friend, looking after your niece - and should commend yourself on these. Big hugs because, whilst it's reassuring to know that you will get through this, I know that when we struggle in the here and now it can feel like an age.

How was your meetup with your GP friend?

Would you be able to arrange with your sister to babysit your niece and/or meetup with your sister and niece together more regularly?

How was your psych appointment?

Are you feeling, even just a teeny tiny smidge, more Christmassy-ish?

Good news is that I got the job! :)

I've been discharged from the eating disorders service. I'm still under the cmht, although I only speak to my care co. briefly every 3+ months. It will be about discharge next time we speak and the decision to come off my antidepressants.

I've been trying to get our support group together. Including myself, I'd say a maximum of five of us are interested. Hopefully, lockdown/restriction - permitted, we can get something going in the new year.

Things with the boyfriend are going well. We've had a couple of lovely weekends recently and have enjoyed doing the smallest of things together.

He says he's totally okay with the me being asexual/not very sexual, but last weekend....
We were about to order something to eat online. I didn't voice my anxiety about the unknown potentiality of calories, portion sizes etc. :roll: , but he grasped that I was anxious. He reassured me. The situation passed. Later that night, he became a bit pushy when I didn't want to take things further. After this, he immediately complimented my appearance and so I naturally returned the compliment. Then, of his physique, he said "Hm. I'm getting there". With hindsight, I ought not to have pushed him to go on. "Getting there?"... Then, he goes "Yeah... I shouldn't have said that...". Stupid, fall-for-it me questions him "why?", to which he says "Oh. It will upset you... it's about my weight". So I asked, "what? because you've lost weight?" to which he goes "Well, yeah..."

Now, gut instinct was that he was being a (insert appropriate insult of choice), targeting my weak spot because I wouldn't permit him to take things further intimately. He shortly after admitted that he felt he was becoming pressurising and that he shouldn't have said the "getting there" comment. But, turning the waterworks on, he expressed his "hurt" that I wouldn't trust that he was not out to hurt me.

Perhaps I was over-sensitive. Perhaps I expect men to only want sex. Perhaps I expect people to imply I'm overweight and be thinner (and thus, to the anorexic mindset, be "better" than me :roll:)

Perhaps he is trying to lose weight. Perhaps it slipped out. Perhaps he genuinely didn't want to upset me which was why he said exactly this.

Then this weekend, (and I apologise in advance for T.M.I), he again became a bit pushy in response to me not wanting to go further. Right after, he made a direct negative comment towards something that I have openly told him I am insecure about intimately. It knocked my confidence and then he went all moody and sulky and apologised excessively. :roll: Again, was it a miscommunication. Or due to his sexual frustration?

Going forward, I don't want to let on about my feelings of inferiority with regards to weight.
The anorexic mindset will say he's thinner and better than me even if I lost weight to the point of being hospitalised and tube fed so... I'll swallow down the fact that I or my anorexic mindset will never be completely satisfied or comfortable with my weight and shape. The less I make things an issue or show I'm insecure, then he won't know the full impact of triggering my weakness. Love is good but it opens up the possibility to be really beeping hurt. So that's where I'm at with this.

I hope you're doing as well as you can be right now. Again, I'm sorry for not writing sooner. But please do be assured I'm thinking of you!

Take care of yourself.

Love Em xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed Dec 09, 2020 4:13 pm


How are you? How is the new job? Congratulations on getting it 

I’ve had the occupational health assessment but they couldn’t recommend anything more than what we’re already doing. She did the anxiety and depression questionnaires with me and they both came out as severe (no surprise there). She said if I wanted to go off sick she would support that but equally believes that if I can stay in work then it’s actually better for me which I have to agree with. Even though work causes me so much anxiety, the thought of having nothing fills me with even more dread.

My manager didn’t get the promotion she had gone for – phew!

The psych is changing my meds but only slightly. He is removing one altogether (the one that a previous psych swore by!) and increasing the trazadone. He has also given me propranolol to try to help with the physical effects of anxiety. He warned me that it won’t do a lot and that there is nothing else to try (very depressing). The propranolol has helped a bit but not massively. I start with the psychologist next week. Isabelle, the one I’ve been talking to will hand over to a more permanent one now that I’m top of the list.

I’ve also committed myself to something called RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy). It was recommended to me by a neuro-psychologist about 12 months ago but it’s different and its expensive. It’s taken me until now to decide to try it (plus I’m really desperate). It’s based on hypnosis and about telling yourself that you are worth it (and a lot of other stuff). It was created by Marisa Peer and has some brilliant reviews. It’s hard because it goes so against what I normally tell myself. I had 1 hypnosis session and 2 coaching ones so far. I’m doing it religiously as instructed but can’t say I feel any different. I’ll keep trying. The therapist is an ex psych nurse and has previously worked where I go for all of my psych appointments. I trust her…I think.

It was lovely seeing my GP friend, very relaxed. We had a long walk and just chatted.

What are your plans for Christmas?

We are having my niece to stay on the 23rd – 1st time since March. Can’t wait. Can’t really take her anywhere because we’re in tier 3 but she loves to do crafty stuff, eat and watch films so she’ll be happy to stay in. She’ll go back Christmas Eve.

We’re still having work done on the house so can’t decorate for Christmas yet – maybe next weekend. We’ve put some lights up outside and they do look lovely. I’m struggling with Christmas, more so that I thought I would. My family have a few traditions which we’ve done all of my life and this year we can’t do them. My Dad sent me a video of their decorations and it made me cry – I miss just chilling in their house after my tea every Sunday. I’ve gone for my tea once a week for 26 years and I’m really starting to miss it. I still see them every week and I really appreciate that I can do that but, I don’t know, it’s not the same.

Congratulations on being discharged from the eating disorders service. Everything feels very positive regarding you and your relationship with services.

Well done on the support group get-together. Hope it all comes together in the new year.

From what little I know of men (having never been with one), they can be very sex orientated. Seems to just be part of their nature – more so than in the average woman. He clearly loves you and is happy to appreciate what intimacy you are comfortable with but maybe when he is in the moment, emotions get tangled up with his ‘urges’ and then he reacts in a pushy/insensitive way.

I do think it’s unfortunate that he is someone who is clearly trying to lose weight for his own reasons and that is understandably a huge trigger for you. I’m not experienced enough to know what would help that. It’s really good that you recognise how it affects you and that even if you lost loads of weight it would never be enough but I worry about how him wanting to lose weight affects both you and the dynamics of the relationship.

He sounds very sensitive and very comfortable with showing his emotions. Maybe a bit too much at times??
Targeting your insecurities isn’t acceptable. He sounds a bit impulsive when he wants to get his own way?

How are your Mum and Dad?

I’ve just checked when we started positing to each other and it was February – can’t believe it’s been so long. You are a treasured e-friend :D

Hope you're OK.

Take care and huge hugs

M x

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Dec 11, 2020 5:07 pm

Hiya! :)

I'm alright, thanks. A bit grumpy if I'm honest. Sick to the back frickin' teeth of corona. :x
It's the bullshitting false hope and the looming threat of restrictions that bothers me.
The "we might instil new restriction rules", "If things don't improve, we may have a lockdown", and my personal favourite: "we'll update next week" :roll: (Why 'next week'? Stop giving selfish people a chance to turn things around. They're not going to. Instead, they're going to take advantage of what they can do before things inevitably close down again.)
Phew. :lol: How about you? :)

The new job is going well thanks. More than anything, I'm just glad to have the security of four contracted days. Anything extra is a bonus. I feel "ugh!" before the shift starts and can't wait for it to end even though I don't want to go home, but I think I'd be the same (or worse) in any job. It's the best of the bunch for me and I'm settled, so I can't complain.

they couldn’t recommend anything more than what we’re already doing.

Okay, I'm going to put a positive spin on this. When working from home feels tough and negative thoughts about work arise, repeat this almost like a mantra to reassure and commend yourself:
"I am doing everything I can to make this as manageable as it can be". :) By continuing to work, you are choosing what will mentally be better for you personally. I was off work some years ago for 18 months. (despite my efforts and endless job-hopping to remain in work). I know how damn hard it is to lift yourself out of depression and go to work, let alone do the work! There were many times when I couldn't lift myself out of the depression (and that's okay as we all struggle in different ways) but by doing so, you really are showing a steel core of strength, self-motivation, resilience, determination, courage and commitment! You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of you.

Yay! I'm glad your manager is staying put. :)

I'm glad the propranolol has helped a bit. How is the new medication and the increase of trazadone? I hope the medication will take effect soon. Ever tried mindfulness?

It's positive that you are starting with the psychologist soon, too. Will that be in person or virtually? How regularly will you be meeting? Is it for counselling/psychotherapy?

Great that you're committing to RTT. I hope this helps. Ever tried listening to hypnosis soundtracks/positive affirmations overnight?

That's great that you had a lovely time with your GP friend. Hopefully you can make this a fairly regular catch up. :)

Aww! That is fantastic news that you are having your niece to stay on the 23rd. :D
I'm working Christmas Eve so my partner will come to me in the evening. He's never been to church before so (whilst it will be different than usual) we'll go to the service. Christmas Day I'm also working and will get a taxi (extravagant, I know :lol: ) to my partners. I'll come back Boxing Day evening and spend it with my brother, sister in law and their three children. After work the following day, we'll be joined by (all at a safe distance, of course) my other brother, sister in law and their two children. Then we'll be locked down from the 28th no doubt.

I'm sorry to hear things don't feel the same. I know what you mean. Let's hope some normality will return in 2021.

emotions get tangled up with his ‘urges’ and then he reacts in a pushy/insensitive way

This was a very good point. Thank you. You're quite right, there.

I don't know if he is trying to lose weight. The anorexic mindset is 100% convinced that he has lost an incredible amount of weight, that he is way thinner than I could ever be, and that he is continuing to lose weight. :roll: He doesn't eat much, though. When he's around me, he only eats when I eat and he'll only eat the same as me. It's kind of annoying. :lol: I think this is more to do with him being clingy etc.

Maybe a bit too much at times??

:lol: Yes, maybe indeed! Haha! He's had no paternal input (his dad's an ass) and at times his mother can be a real cow to him. He's had some issues in his family (who hasn't?) so I get the sensitive thing.

He sounds a bit impulsive when he wants to get his own way?

Hm. Yeah. I think he has a nasty side to him. At times he can be (excuse the expression but this word captures the feeling exactly :lol: ) a real dick. Snarky comments, insinuating insult, but followed with a reasonable explanation that causes me to look the one 'on the defensive'. :roll: I think people in general make such comments when they have a related insecurity themselves.

He has a temper. He was shouting and swearing at his dog for making a mess on his kitchen floor last week. Perfectly understandable. Didn't bother me one jot. In fact, I was glad to see a natural human 'flaw' (if you could even call it that?) in him. I'm very into "feel how you feel" and it was actually a good thing for me to see that actually he's not 'perfect'. He did say afterwards he was sorry and hoped he didn't scare me. (He knows I hate anger). I said no need to be sorry and that I certainly wasn't scared. :) He said he'd never get angry with me. Internally, I rolled my eyes and made a joke that I'd never pee on the kitchen floor! ;) :lol:

We had another lovely weekend together. He's currently self-isolating due to a colleague testing positive. Thankfully, he only has two days left. Not seeing him has pulled down my mood.

My mum and dad are well, thanks. Naturally stressed about the whole pandemic thing like the majority of the world right now. My mother's moods encompass menopause, pms and a really shit day rolled into one and multiplied. We've been babysitting this weekend which has (despite my anxiety of it being exhausting, overwhelming and of me being unable to cope), I think I've done a pretty good job reprising my role of Aunty Em. My mum even said she couldn't have done today without me. The night before she said she couldn't cope with my negativity and that I'm selfish and think I'm the only one affected by coronavirus. They talk often about the virus. It's draining. My partner also talks a lot about it. There are otherltopics of conversation, people!

I saw my brother briefly today. First time since the summer. It felt so good to see someone different and talk about something different. I do feel lonely at times. It's hard enough meeting people in my quiet little town anyways before the restrictions. I have come to realise I need to make more time for family. I know that's hard now but I know I ought to connect more with them even though it's just virtually. I, like everyone else, miss that family interaction.

How are your parents and your sister?

Wow! Last February! Likewise, you are a treasured e-friend too! ;)

Hope you're okay. I'm sorry this post has been a bit of a bum note one.

Take care of yourself. Love and hugs!

Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Thu Dec 17, 2020 12:05 pm


How are you feeling today? I TOTALLY understand where you’re at with the virus. I am constantly furious with the amount of people who can’t/won’t follow the rules and their outright selfishness. I live in a small cul-de-sac where the majority of residents are elderly and none of them are keeping their distance from each other. We went to a nearby seaside town last week to have a walk round at night to look at the lights and the amount of groups that were together just angered me too much and ruined the experience. When the virus fist hit I felt sorry for Boris but now he just infuriates me. Just make a bloody decision and stick to it!!

I’m glad the job is going well and that it gives you a sense of security and stability. I feel the same about work – I feel crap when I first wake up, wish the day away and have a huge sense of relief when I finish.

You’re right about the mantra – the hypnosis thing I’m doing is all about saying positive mantras so I’ll add yours onto the list. I think part of me does acknowledge that despite how ill I am, holding down a job is a major achievement, especially given COVID, working from home etc.

I think we both do incredibly well in the circumstances – I’m proud of you too

I increased the trazadone again last night to the max and it immediately made me feel really sick and off balance. I was in bed so you’d think I’d just go to sleep but my dodgy shoulder was really painful and I just couldn’t sleep and the nausea was horrible. It will get easier the longer I take it so I’m hoping it will help with my sleep and mood.

I’ve done a lot of mindfulness in my time and try to do some every day even if it’s only for a few minutes. It does help ground me and gives my brain a bit of a break from thinking.

I met my psychologist yesterday, over the net. We had major IT problems at first and lost the 1st half hour but kind of got there in the end. I really liked her and felt reasonably comfortable talking to her. She said the first few sessions would be getting to know each other and working out what we need to work on. I found it emotionally draining (not surprising really) and it brought up stuff I know I need to work on but is upsetting. Next appointment is in the new year and I think we’ll be talking once a fortnight. Its for psychotherapy so I can address the stuff from being a teenager (parent issues, bullying etc).

On the RTT front, I have a couple of recordings now that I listen to in bed. Most of the time I’m awake throughout but when I’ve taken a sleeping tablet, I have nodded off. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m asleep, as long as I’m breathing, my sub-conscious will take it all in. Can’t say its helping yet.

Your Christmas sounds lovely (shame you have to work though). Although I don’t go to church and I still can’t work out what I think about God, I do like to go to a carol service. My local church is doing a Christingle service on Christmas Eve in the car park of our village hall so I’m going to that and I think my parents are coming with me. No idea what it actually is so need to do a bit of research first.

Does your boyfriend acknowledge he has ‘issues’? His emotional behaviour definitely points towards something that runs quite deep, that then boils over at times.

Are you back to seeing him again now?

I’m so glad you enjoyed being Aunty Em – its definitely a great job to have but draining at the same time. I’m always knackered when I’ve taken my niece home. As much as I love her and love having her, it does spike my anxiety. She is easy to entertain most of the time but I worry that I won’t be enough for her. Given she is only 5, I know I need to get a grip!

I really feel for your Mum but also you having to deal with her. I know how unreasonable I can be when my menopause spikes. It sounds like she definitely lashes out when she is stressed and can be hurtful.

I have been guilty of getting obsessed with talking (well, whining) about the virus but I’ve got better now. Obsessing over it was making me ill so I’ve had to make a conscious effort to stop doing it.

It is nice to see other people - not that I’ve done that myself yet but I do long to do it. I really miss proper interaction with my family. I miss going for tea on a Sunday and just chilling out with them afterwards.

My family are all OK. My Dad has been round doing some DIY for us but we don’t go in the room with him and he has all the windows open etc.

I finish work tomorrow for Christmas, back on 29/12 so I get a good break, can’t wait. More importantly, can’t wait to get my living room back, sick of living upstairs.

I hope you’re feeling better and that you’re back seeing your boyfriend.

Love and hugs


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Dec 17, 2020 9:14 pm


Lovely to hear from you. I felt more positive vibes coming from your post today. :)

I hope 2021 will be a better year. I personally think it will be very much the same but perhaps with a greater sense of hope.

Our Christmas plans have changed considerably. None of us will be meeting as a bubble. Some of us may meet but it will be outside and at a social distance. It's just the sensible thing to do.

I'm meeting my partner tomorrow and maybe one more time before Christmas but from the 28th, it will probably be a month lockdown or something. :( But this is what's needed.

Woo! I'm loving your positive self-recognition and self-compassion! I think this is the first time I've seen this from you so this put a big smile on my face! You are doing fantastically well.

The hypnosis and mindfulness seems a good help. Well done for sticking to the RTT, too. Really pleased that you liked your psychotherapist and I think this will definitely be a positive course of treatment for you starting in the new year! Good for you! :)

Again, good on you for sticking with the increased dose. Always the first few days are the worst with side effects. I hope after 4-6 weeks that you will feel a lift in mood and reduction in anxiety. I also hope you feel better soon.

Are you managing your shoulder pain with tablets, physio/stretches and/or heat packs?

The Carol service sounds lovely. We may stream the service considering the current climate. I don't know what I feel about the whole God thing but whatever one believes (religion, no religion, science, spiritual), there's undeniably good and evil in the world. Hold onto that goodness. :)

Kids are so accepting! Your niece loves you for you! Trust me on that. When I was clinically depressed at my worst, I remember my niece (aged 2 then) coming into my dark bedroom and putting her arms around me in a cuddle. Such a beautiful memory of her light and love lifting me out of the sadness.

My boyfriend acknowledges that he worries but nothing besides that. I don't think he wants to admit it to himself, let alone anyone else.

I'm glad to hear that your family are okay and that your dad has been doing some DIY for you.

When do you think roughly that your living room will be finished?

I am feeling a bit brighter this week thanks. I hope you have a lovely Christmas break. Take care of yourself.

Em xx

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Dec 18, 2020 4:03 pm


I can understand you changing your Christmas plans and its definitely better to be on the safe side. We won’t be in anyone’s house or getting close to anyone so we feel like we’re keeping everyone safe. Obviously, when we have my niece it will be a bit different but even then we won’t be as close as normal (which is sad).

I wish they’d say one way or another if there is going to be another huge lockdown but as per usual they’ll not make a decision or not make it public until its happening. I think we assume its coming then we won’t be shocked.

The trazadone didn’t make me feel as sick last night – I think my body adapts pretty quickly to meds.

My shoulder seems to have quietened down a bit but I think that’s because I’m not doing loads of decorating or weight-bearing. My hip on the other hand is a real problem and no amount of pain relief is helping. I put cold on it (it hates heat) and doing regular pilates stretches to ease the muscle off the hip joint. I need a steroid injection but because they reduce the immune system, the NHS aren’t keen on doing them with COVID. Still not heard what the MRI showed up for the shoulder.

I got a lovely card off my doctor friend and a little book that a friend of hers has written about the true meaning of Christmas. I’ll read it over Christmas.

Children are the light in the darkness – their love is so pure with no ulterior motives or demands.

We’re hoping to be back downstairs by Sunday evening. We’ll have bene living out of a bedroom for 7 weeks by then. It will be lovely but at the same time strange to sit on a settee!

I’m glad you’re feeling brighter, I can feel it in your writing.

If we don’t ‘speak’ before the big day, please have a lovely Christmas and New Year and lets hope 2021 is brighter for us all.

Love and hugs


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Mon Dec 28, 2020 9:09 am

Hello! :)

How are you doing over this Christmastime? <3
Did you have a nice Christmas Day?
Did you enjoy looking after your niece?

I totally agree. I'm just expecting a lengthy lockdown now. :roll:

How are you feeling on the new medication and increased doses now?

I'm glad to hear about your shoulder but I am sorry to hear about your hip. I hope it won't be too long before they deem it safe to give you the steroid injection to stop the pain. Could you chase up the MRI result?

That's lovely of your doctor friend. Have you started the book?

How does it feel having a living room back? :D

Merry Christmas to you to and here's to a brighter new year!

Much love,
Em x

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Dec 29, 2020 11:35 am

Hi Em,

I'm back in work today which I can't say I'm happy about but I did have a lovely break (some of the time).

My time with my niece got cancelled when Boris changed the rules to say we could only meet up with others on Christmas Day - we were gutted. Luckily my niece didn't realise but we were very upset. On Christmas Day, my parents got to see our new kitchen and the final version of the living room. They didn't sit down, they literally walked in and walked out.
Later on I saw my sister and her family for about 40 minutes in the gazebo but it was bitterly cold and the kids were exhausted. Still lovely to see them all.
I really missed our normal Christmas Day – we are so tradition driven in our family that it made it a lot harder to accept what we had.

My Dad is now in self-isolation as he is having shoulder surgery in a couple of weeks. It’s odd how we both has shoulder problems.

Can’t say I’m feeling any better on the new meds. Anxiety is still hard to live with and general feeling of doom is overwhelming.

I’m going to give it another couple of week before I try to chase the MRI results. Both hip and shoulder have been very painful recently – could be the cold.

It is nice being in a living room although at first it really increased my anxiety for some reason. I don’t like change of any kind.

How was your Christmas? Any nice gifts? Did it all go to plan? How has work been? Sorry, its like a quick-fire round of questions!

Any plans for New Year’s Eve? We don’t do anything and tend to be in bed early. Its only another day to us. Saying that, I do start to feel a bit twitchy about the start of a new year and how I want things to feel different. It seems to heighten my constant feeling of doom and dread.

Hope you’re all OK and had a lovely Christmas together.

Love and hugs


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