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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:48 am

Hi Em

Sorry for my late response. Was off work last week so wasn't online much.

Glad work seems to be working out and bitchy face has moved on. I wouldn't be able to work with someone like either.

I am a bit worried about your boyfriend. I don't think for one minute that anything he does or says is intentionally meant to hurt or trigger you but he sounds kind of intense with a very clear/set way in his head of how things are meant to be. Like with the texts, we all communicate differently with words and emojis but he should know you well enough by now that you don't mean anything negative if you don't put 80 emojis and a kiss!
The whole living with his mother thing is also intense. I totally get that he wants to live with you and thats lovely but not with a parent in tow, surely not. :o
I worry most about his impact on your mind and anorexia. Does being with him create a huge risk that it could cause you to (I don't know how to phrase this right so apologies if my choice of words is wrong) relapse?

I haven't heard from my old GP and that makes me sad. I swing between worrying about her in case she is ill again and being hurt. She was the one who said on a number of occasions that if she wasn't my GP we could be friends and she would 'walk by my side to support me'. She was the one the made a big deal about going for walks and getting in touch. The only way I could contact her is if I send a letter for her to her church for them to pass on. Whats stops me is the thought she changed her mind and doesn't want to know me. What do you think?
House stuff is ongoing. This weeks its a new fireplace and fire. Kitchen is almost finished but the oven and fridge is out of stock. We're not happy with them because they keep telling me they're going to be delivered on X date, they don't arrive and when I chase they then tell me its out of stock. We'll be 8 weeks without an oven at this rate.

My psychologist who rings me once a month is leaving the team. That means I'll have no more phone calls until I get to the top of the official waiting list which will be next year. I got really upset - I really like her and trust her. I still speak to my care co once a fortnight. He is ok but tries to simplify stuff a bit too much.

We had a health scare with my mum - docs thought she had cancer and she had to have a ct scan and a colonoscopy. Thankfully, there was no cancer but we had 3 weeks of fear. It was horrible.

Still not spoken to a new GP - I know I need to do it but I'm scared.

Work is horrible and makes me want to cry.

Partner - don't ask. She is being particularly nasty at the moment. Told me a few times she doesn't like me and if it continues she'll leave. I'm very hormonal at the moment, on HRT and they're changing it so in the middle of that. Sometimes I just want to say, well go then. Don't have the guts though.

Feeling so anxious and worthless right now - struggling badly.

Sorry for going on - missed getting it out to someone I guess.

Hope you're OK

Huge hugs


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:08 pm

Hi M :)

I'm sorry my replies have been so delayed. I've been very stressed lately with having to juggle work with practically every spare minute having to be dedicated to my needy boyfriend. :roll: I've wanted to reply but every time I would get a chance, I'd have been mentally exhausted. I've been thinking of you.

We talk everything out (at length :roll: :lol: )and on occasion I have had to be assertive - like thanks and all but I don't want to live with you and your mum. :o I've realised that he's considerably less mature than I had assumed when we first met. (I was baffled why someone so obviously out of my league and "together" was even remotely interested in me.) His mum does the washing, cooks the tea etc. She's insinuated on numerous occasions that he never cleans and he looked a bit lost making us a sandwich for lunch one day, bless him.

Absolutely no need to apologise. Thank you for being considerate. <3 I'm probably at the cusp of a relapse, yes. But I'm more in control of the illness than it is of me. My mother has been very upset at the fear of things spiralling again. To be honest, it hit me today as I didn't realise how things had managed to actually get like this again. I'm okay though, still functioning well, and I've been addressing it. Anorexia is just something I'll always have to deal with. Maybe I'm cynical, maybe I'm just real, but at least in my experience I don't buy the whole "fully recovered anorexic" jargon. :roll: It's something I'll have to manage.

I'm sorry to hear that you're saddened by not hearing from your old GP. *HUGS* She was too genuine, showed too much initiative and was too supportive for her to just not contact you.
Honestly, I think either she has misplaced your number (and due to patient confidentiality, your GP surgery would obviously not be able to now give her your number) or that there has been a situation within her personal life/family which warrants her mind being elsewhere. <3

I know for definite that it is not a case of her "changing her mind and no longer wanting to know you". Absolutely 100% not the case! <3

I think she would be both touched and delighted to receive a letter from you! I encourage you to send the letter, definitely. :)
Include your number in the letter incase she's lost it!

I'm sorry to hear that the house is causing so much disruption and stress. Keep on at them because eight weeks with no oven really isn't acceptable. I'm sure it will look beautiful when all the work is done.

I'm sorry to hear that your psychologist is leaving the team. Surely you're still entitled to a monthly phone call check in from another member of the team? I know that Mind can provide this sort of support with someone checking in with a weekly or fortnightly phone call.

I had an appointment with my care co but messed up with my rota and had to cancel. Now I'm struggling to get hold of her to rearrange. I want to chase up when the residual 3-4 sessions can go ahead and/or if I can otherwise be referred to a different eating disorder service closer to my locality as the health boards changed last year.

I'm so sorry to hear about the recent health scare. I'm relieved for you and your mum and your family that she is okay. *huge hugs* <3

Would anything make it easier for you to make the call to your GP?

Is there any way at all you could change your role within your current job or change your job altogether?

You say your partner is threatening to leave. Is it your house or is your house split between you both? What are you afraid will happen if you do tell her to go? Is there any way you could stay with your parents temporarily? Honestly, do you deep down honestly in your heart still want
to be with her? Is there anyone who can help you assert yourself to her?

You are not worthless and you are never going on. Please do reach out. Even if my head is frazzled, I will be reading, caring and will send replies to let you know I am thinking about you.

Much love,

Em xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Sep 22, 2020 3:07 pm

Hi Em

It does sadden me that you feel on the cusp of a relapse. You show great strength with managing anorexia and I imagine life in general and its stresses will impact where you're at with it. I know I don't understand it (I do believe that unless you've lived it you can never truly understand a condition) but I am ALWAYS here for you.

I do hope you manage to sort out the residual sessions - its important that you have the right support in place, especially now. Trying to get hold of people is such a battle.

You have convinced me to try to reach out to my old GP. Although I'm not religious, every now and again I pray and last night I asked for a nudge as to whether I contact her or not. I think you are that nudge so thank you. I've started by sending her a friend request on Facebook. If I don't hear from her in a week, I will write to her via her church.

I'm scared to make a change at work. I've been told that in the pipeline is work that I am good at and know well. I'm trying to hold my nerve. I'm too terrified to look for something else. I need to stay with my current boss, I really don't think a new one would support or understand me the way she does. She knows that doing my work is an area I am good at and she can trust me to just get on with it. No-one else in the department knows what I do so I'm going to sit tight. Just hate waking up full of dread but that happens at the weekend as well so can't blame work completely. Need to look at my relationship too which is definitely too difficult.

Our house is 50/50. I think when she says that she thinks its a threat. For a long time (a long time ago) that kind of comment would have freaked me out and sent me into a meltdown. I would have apologised like mad and begged her to not go. These days, I just don't react. I know she won't go because she can't manage on her own. I do everything. Plus, she would need us to sell the house to free up money for her to go. If I had to buy her out I would end up with a huge mortgage which at this point in my life I really don't want. If she was to go, I can't help but think that I'd get some life back. With local lock-down and my Mum's heart and lung condition I wouldn't be able to move in. It wouldn't be fair on them. So I'm stuck basically, physically, emotionally and mentally. Not a good place to be.

Hope you're having a good week both work and relationship wise.

I do keep you in my thoughts - take great care

Huge hugs as always


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Sep 23, 2020 8:21 am

Thanks M :)

My area has since gone into a local lockdown and I feel considerably less stressed now that I'm not seeing him and thus comparing my body to his (to the anorexic mindset) "super thin, perfect, way thinner than I could ever be" body. My logical mind knows that no matter how thin I became, the anorexic mindset would not shift. It would most likely intensify. :roll:

I feel ashamed of my body in front of him and feel a pressure to look a certain way. (NONE of this is because of anything he does). It's just been triggered firstly by his weight loss (my issue/insecurity due to history of anorexia) and secondly by his incessant comments (which have toned down thanks to lengthy, emotional and exhausting conversations :roll: )
about my mood, expressions, body language, emojis..... etc. etc. :roll:

Really pleased that you are reaching out to your old GP! I'm happy to be considered a nudge. ;)

When you are left to do the work that you are good at and know well, do you then enjoy your work and does it feel more manageable? Are there other stressors with work that contribute to that feeling of dread when you wake up?

If it is the issue of not doing the work in your specified area of expertise, can you chase up exactly when the work in the pipeline will be ready? You're entitled to know at least if it's a matter of weeks, months or a year+. "Sitting tight" might feel more manageable and motivating when you have an approximate timescale of when the work will be ready for you. Uncertainty gives rise to stress and worry.

There are many more understanding, accommodating and supportive bosses out there, but I understand that you don't feel changing jobs at this time is the right move. You know what's best for you. I'm glad you feel supported and trusted by your current boss.

Re your relationship and living situation, I've not experienced a situation like this so I'm really sorry if my support is way-off. Selling the house, buying her out and living with her are all incredibly stressful and difficult options which each feel undoable, but all these options are still possible. Could you weigh up the pros and cons of each option? There is always hope and always a way out.

I feel like you're going to say no but there's no way your partner would buy you out is there?

If you did choose to sell the house or buy her out, is there anyone she could stay with in the interim? I'm so sorry to hear of your mum's health and I apologise for even suggesting you stay with your parents at this time. <3 Is there anyone else you could stay with temporarily?

Take care of yourself. Much love, Em xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed Sep 23, 2020 10:28 am

Morning Em

I totally understand your thoughts on a local lockdown and not seeing people. I'm more self-conscious of how I look since I stopped seeing people back in March and although I'm really angry and upset about restrictions on seeing my family, I am glad that I still can't see friends/colleagues.

Wouldn't it be great if we could find that magic wand that would sort us out once and for all! :D

My partner couldn't buy me out. She is retired and just wouldn't be able to access the funds to do it so it would be down to me. I will look at the pros and cons - just know that if the pros point me the direction of leaving, I don't think I'd have the guts to follow through with it. I've never known anything but her as an adult. I left home at 21 to move in with her as a lodger and a few years later we bought a house together. Fast forward 27 years and I'm still here. She definitely assumes that I'll never leave her.

Moving in with my parents would definitely be the obvious choice but COVID buts pay to that. Definitely no need to apologise for suggesting it. Looking at my Mum you wouldn't know she had issues. She is fitter than me in a lot of ways, she can definitely out do on any physical activity which is a bit embarrassing :oops:

I don't have any close enough friends who would put me up even if we weren't in a local lockdown.

When I'm doing my job, I do enjoy it. I get anxious about getting it right and not letting people down but I know that if I can't answer something, I know where to go. I've spent 7 years building up very specific knowledge and I like being a specialist. My manager has told me the work will come back but the decision as to when still hasn't been made and is in the hands of very senior people. Issue there is they are very busy dealing with how we approach COVID so its not a major priority. The uncertainty is making it worse but I don't think that will change any time soon.

Any luck with getting hold of your care co?

Hope you're OK,

Much love


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed Sep 23, 2020 3:25 pm

Quick update - my GP has just rung :D She didn't reference facebook so either thats prompted her or its a huge coincidence. She is fine. Her daughter and family moved in a while ago so she has been really busy. I'm just happy that she is OK and she has made contact. She said she'll ring again soon and once our local lockdown is lifted we can meet.


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Sep 25, 2020 5:26 pm

Hiya :)

I hope you've had a decent week.

Re. your partner. My experience in this department is very limited so pardon my advice if it isn't all that great. <3
Could you sit down with her and calmly tell her how you are feeling? That you love her but feel the relationship isn't working/you feel unhappy/you sometimes feel you want to separate because ….. .

Could someone supportive sit with you whilst you tell her? Maybe your dad, your sister (I'm right in thinking you mentioned you have a sister, yes?) or your care co.?

Also, I know it's difficult because of local lockdowns and restrictions, but could you have this conversation in a public place (e.g. outside a coffee shop where you have enough personal space to talk privately but where there are enough people around so that the conversation wouldn't escalate into an argument or upset).

If you don't feel able to talk to her in person, could you write it down for her to read?

Unpick the root of your fear around leaving your partner.
Loneliness? Inability to cope? Financial worries? Her reaction?
Find that root and you can address it. You are stronger than you think. <3

If I'm correct in thinking you have a sister, would she put you up temporarily?

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's health and I hope she recovers soon. *HUGS* <3

It's a real positive that you enjoy your job. Your anxieties about wanting to get it right and worrying that you'll let people down - whilst undeniably difficult - are still manageable (also positive). You've worked hard to get where you are, you enjoy being a specialist and you know where to go if you can't answer something. (Yep, you got it. Positives again! :D )

I understand that the uncertainty must be difficult. But remember, there is certainty that this work is in the pipeline. The only uncertainty is when. This, like so many other things now, is due to COVID. Try to keep positive (sorry, word of the day in this post :roll: :lol: ) as things will get better. <3

Nope. No joy on the care co. Apparently I'll hear from the eating disorder team "soon". :roll:
I'm doing better though now that I haven't been seeing my boyfriend.

I hope you have a good (or at least mostly good!) weekend.

Much love xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Sep 25, 2020 5:29 pm

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

FANTASTIC NEWS about your GP getting in touch! Chuffed for you! :D <3 xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sat Sep 26, 2020 2:14 pm

I'm trying to differentiate between whether an eating disorder mindset is pulling me away from my boyfriend or if the real me is maintaining self-preservation by avoiding a potential trigger for my eating disorder (i.e. my boyfriend).

In all honesty, he never mentions anything that could be deemed potentially triggering.
If anything, he's over-cautious (wise man :lol:) :oops:

Anorexia is like a self-destruct button in my brain, the devil's whisper, a hostile entity.... :twisted:

Something anorexics experience is the sensation of "feeling fat". Now, this can be physical of course, but the insecurity runs much deeper. What initially started my anorexia (17 years ago!) and what continues to trigger it are feelings of inadequacy and the belief that I warrant rejection and dislike. Pair this with a weight/shape related trigger (e.g. in this case, my boyfriend's weight loss) and the anorexic mindset connects the physical sensation with cognition.

"Fat" obviously is not a feeling. Yes, one can of course feel full but with the anorexic mindset there are feelings beyond this - anger, boredom, loneliness, stress etc. In my personal case, it has always been inadequacy and thus sadness.

Subsequent comments from my boyfriend (all of which we have talked through and overcome) and a bitchy colleague (who has since moved departments) then intensified the sense of feeling inadequate, rejected, unwanted and disliked. Pair this with my boyfriend's (albeit healthy) weight loss and anorexia is triggered.

For whoever is reading, I hope this makes sense. It's good to articulate this regardless.

Even though both my boyfriend and colleagues' comments are no longer an issue... it feels, in a way, that the impact has been made. So to speak, "the match has been struck".

I will refer to CBT....

Situation: Contact with boyfriend.
Thoughts:"I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'm an embarrassment", "I'm a failure", "I'm less", "He deserves more"
Hot Thought: "I am not good enough"
Emotion: Sad.
Behaviour: Avoid/Ignore boyfriend.

This is what I plan to work on this afternoon.

Anyways, I feel a little mentally drained after writing all of this waffle.

I'm not saying my boyfriend is perfect (we are all guilty of being a pain in the ass sometimes :lol:)
but I've concluded that this issue is attributed to the anorexic mindset. (don't get me wrong, sometimes space is healthy for any relationship).

So this is my Saturday afternoon realisation. :lol: :)

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Sep 28, 2020 2:20 pm

Hi Em

How was your Sunday? You definitively dug deep on Saturday with you post - it helped me to understand the anorexia mindset. Of course, I can never understand properly but it helps me to understand how its all triggered you. Is there a way to reduce the impact of the trigger? Is CBT part of the answer?

Its awful that something like anorexia (and mental health in general) can make something or someone we love part of the problem. Trying to earn how to balance the relationship and the triggers is so difficult. You must feel that is worth it which is a good thing. What does your Mum think of him and your relationship?

I can't include anyone in a discussion with my partner because nobody in my family knows we are a couple. The only people who know are my manager and another friend from work - neither of which would be appropriate to sit in on anything. If my partner knew I'd told them it would be the end of the relationship. That's the strictest of rules she created. There are no options to be honest. I feel trapped. I can't turn to anyone because they can't know the situation and with local lockdowns I can't stay with anyone anyway.

My manager is on leave and has asked me to keep any eye on her emails. In there was an email that told me she has applied for another job. I am gutted. I know I am jumping the gun and that she might not get it but she has so much experience she must be in with a chance. I really don't feel I can work for another manager. I am also sure (but can never prove it) that she wants rid of me. I've already seen emails where she has said she can't take on certain things because she has to support me. So she has clearly had enough and wants a change. She hasn't told me and I can't put into words how scared and upset about it. I know I sound weak and selfish but thats how I feel.

Being told that you'll hear from them 'soon' is very vague. Not good enough really. I hope to get hold of your care co this week. It a shame that you feel you are doing better now you're not seeing your boyfriend. Our brains might be very clever but they're also incredibly wicked at times.

My main fear with my partner is financial and guilt. I don't know what she would do if I pushed to split.

Everything is such a mess.

Sorry, I know I've really gone on in this post - I hope you had a relaxed Sunday and that work is good to you this week.

Lots of love and hugs


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