Aww! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a genuinely kind and thoughtful response. It really does mean a lot and I appreciate your honest insights.
I think change happens when we are ready to make it. It's all about slow and steady, baby steps and doing what's right for us each as individuals in the moment. So please go easy on yourself and commend yourself for how far you've come and on what you are achieving today
I totally agree. I could only return to living at home under the condition that it was temporary. It would merely be a different version of the same reality, but with the added tension between my mother and I becoming more prevalent.
Our negative thoughts do have this awful ability to conjure up non existent issues.
I didn't think of it that way..... He could very well have been projecting his
insecurities that I would "get sick of him" onto me.
From what his dad has alluded to (in our father-son's girlfriend chats
), my boyfriend lacks self confidence. My boyfriend also told me he thinks he's falling in love with me and (during one of my mad spats of depression/stress when I broke up with him
), he actually cried
down the phone whilst speaking to me. It's a very, very difficult adjustment for me to even begin to accept that someone (especially someone lovely like him) could actually have feelings for me.
So, naturally, we both have our own insecurities. As any couple would, I am sure! But we have excitement and hope, too!
I do like his parents. They're very much a sit around the table and have dinner and a few drinks and merrily share some funny nostalgia kind of family, which is nice.
I really like his mum.
I know she had a breakdown some years ago, I feel we're (not because of the breakdown! haha!) on the same page. His mum also goes with him once or twice a week to the gym.
I like his dad, too. He makes me laugh, but he's (naturally) VERY protective of his son.
Both of them are very welcoming and want me to feel at home. They're very all-embracing. Perhaps overly so, but it sort of feels okay if that makes sense?
I do feel, with time (like with anyone), I could just 'be' there. I also feel I could be of use! His parents both work full time Monday-Friday and I would like to be able to cook and help with cleaning (I'm very good domestic-wise
If I get this job (trial tomorrow), then my boyfriend and I will have similar shifts. (i.e. he always works 3pm-10pm. My shifts would mostly start from 12pm-4pm and finish at 10pm/11pm so we'd be together in the mornings and finish at the same time.
If I finished early (say, 9am-4pm or whatever) and he was working late, I could go home
that evening.... go to my support group, catch up with my parents, have some me time/space or whatever.
What I'm saying in a long, convoluted way is that I wouldn't have lots of time at home just me and his parents.
Also, his Nan (who lives alone and is quite lonely to the point where she creates little problems so people can come and help her) is lovely. I don't have a nan. She has already invited me up to sort her jewellery out with her. I totally would, too!
The complex issues wouldn't affect me, no. They concern my boyfriend's brother (who I get on with) and his
family (they live separately to my boyfriend and his parents) and otherwise it's issues with extended family that they are estranged from.
Lay community is basically a religious-based community but the members are not priests or nuns. They are free, like I am now. Not bound to a religious order. Basically it would be like volunteering. I hope that makes some sense?
I guess what community could give back is belonging and friendship.
Moving in with my boyfriend could also
give me that sense of belonging.
I don't know if the community work would fulfil me. The charity work serving the poor in India really fulfilled me. I don't know if making beds and frying eggs would have quite the same oomph about it though.... I guess it would be a case of, coming from a faith perspective, my head saying "I'm doing a good, meaningful thing. Thus I have more purpose". Hm...
Very fair point regarding the strict community. Thank you.
I've been in two strict communities previously. Loved them both, but when I struggled the self-sacrifice blurred into self-punishment. Cue isolating myself, self-harming behaviours, depression, and a full-on mental breakdown which lasted a year and took two more years afterwards to get to the place where I am today.
So, very fair point
I am currently under the community mental health team. I'm drawing to the last leg of my eating disorder therapy. I'm not on medication so discharge would probably be in the next few months.
I've asked two other Sane users I've written to at length for a couple of years their opinion. Also I will put my options to my support group this afternoon. I will ask the CMHT when I next see them, unless I've by then made the decision re all of this!
But I've had a very good day today.
I've felt very free for the first time in a long time. Happy, even. *faints with shock* My boyfriend is picking me up early tomorrow, then it's Valentines Day coffee somewhere before my trial shift. I'm excited for the shift!
Turns out my bosses weren't going to sack me.
Think it was more a case of they didn't expect me to see the job posting and now are back-tracking. I feel better
at the thought that I'm leaving there. It was good, but I'm done now. No more.
That's remarkable that you have undergone such intensive therapy. You really must be a very strong, resilient, motivated and committed person with excellent self-awareness and maturity. You should be really proud of yourself. None of it has been wasted.
No pressure if you don't want to talk more, but do you think your current feelings are reactive? For example, I feel miserable because my job and living arrangement makes me feel miserable, thus making the change will hopefully ease (or end! okay maybe ambitious, 'ease'
) the misery.
You don't have to share (although I am always here to listen and help if I can!), but what is it in your life NOW that is making you feel the negative ways you feel? What is keeping those thoughts going? What triggers them?
Ask yourself, what do YOU want? What changes do you want to make? Then think about the how.
Would you feel better if you made these changes? Would it lessen the intensity of your negative beliefs?
Or, do you think it is due (either partly or entirely) to a chemical imbalance in your brain?
Are you on medication? (prescribed or natural)
Have you ever tried reflexology and/or acupuncture to target pressure points and release trapped energy?
RTT could in fact be a good option for you. Is it available within your locality?
Do you think EMDR would be relevant for you?
Have you heard of neuro-linguistic programming? (NLP)
I think hypnosis is definitely worth you exploring, too.
Structured therapy is excellent. I think it's great that you've done CBT and DBT, as well as lots of talking therapy. Perhaps explore the more holistic approach?
Haha! Look at me, "Doctor Em"
Sooooooo many questions.
I honestly do hope that some of this helps. I will keep you in the know about how things unfold. Please keep me posted on how you are doing, too. Reach out anytime if you want to chat.
Take care of yourself and stay strong. You are doing so well.
Love Em xx