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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Feb 12, 2020 10:55 am

I came off my meds this year. I'd been on 200mg sertraline for two years previously. It helped me to cope with depression but eventually emotionally flatlined me. I felt NUMB and DEADPAN. :?:

During the time on meds, I had 70 (!!) sessions of structured therapy (which is still drawing to a close in the next couple of months) and completed various wellbeing courses in mindfulness, stress control, anxiety, acceptance and commitment therapy, and depression etc.
I've been going to a weekly peer support group for the last six months.
So I've had a lot of psychological help.

Without meds now, all the reasons underlying my depression that initially caused a mental breakdown three years ago and then warranted anti depressant medication a year after that, have come back. :( :( :(

Positive is, I've realised I am in a rut. I'm not happy at work nor where I'm living. I'm unfulfilled, bored, lonely and miserable. I feel the only way OUT of this rut is if I actively make a change to step out of it, i.e. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. :shock:

I know, deep down, what it is I want to do.

One definite option has presented itself. One possible option has presented itself.

Downside is, I feel DEPRESSED. Like, really frickin' depressed. :cry: That dark cloud of doom.
I can't function at work and I am so close to just packing the job in. It means nothing to me.
I hate where I'm living and I've handed in notice to move the heck out of here!

Only spanner in the works is this new boyfriend I have. :roll:
He's nice but we live an hour's drive (or 2-3 hours on public transport!) away. He wants me to move in with him and his parents (um, no thanks) and get a job in his area. But he doesn't understand that if I moved in then depression would just come with me.
Also, I don't want to uproot my life for a different version of the same but just in a different town. Only plus side would be I'd be, transport-wise, closer to him.

I like him, but after 1-2 days of not seeing him... I lose interest. :|
I feel so indifferent as though I honestly couldn't care less if I never saw him again....
I've tried to break up with him but he practically won't let me! I think I'd have to cut him out of my life totally for him to get the message.

I think (and this is a separate issue) it's also a case of fear. I fear someone I like rejecting me and confirming my beliefs (that even 70+ sessions of therapy can't fully heal :roll: :lol: ) that I am a 'lesser' person that warrants being disliked and unwanted. I fear how I will react to this rejection. I fear depression, feeling worse and ultimately I fear hitting rock bottom.

I'm reluctant to return to AD medication just yet. I have my first EMDR and trauma therapy session tonight. I feel my long-suppressed emotions of what triggered my depression (trauma witnessed whilst doing charity work overseas and loss of a life when I was happy before I returned home from overseas and felt lost) are raw and ready to spill out.
I need and want to be med-free for this first so I can FEEL.

Then I'll reassess after the therapy.

Bottom line, I don't want to live the life I am living now anymore.

So that's me and my little miserable morning rant.

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Wed Feb 12, 2020 11:39 am

Hi Em

Great to hear from you but sorry you're in a crappy place.

Is the plan to move back home or are you avoiding that?
I’m sorry you’re feeling so unfulfilled – that will definitely add to the awful depression. I can also hear some frustration that after a lot of psychological input, your core self-beliefs haven’t changed and that really needs to happen.

I know this sounds a bit way out there, but have you considered any kind of hypnosis? I’ve also had a lot of therapy and my self-esteem is still somewhere in hell and I can’t work out how to live because of it. Someone recommended RTT Rapid Transformational Therapy. It’s a form of hypnosis that is supposed to make a huge difference to self-esteem. Its something I’m going to look into – desperation is driving that.

Where did you meet your boyfriend? The travel does sound like a pain in the arse. Its lovely that he is so keen for you to move in with him but I’d be like you in my reaction. You can’t escape your head so it will all just move with you. Does he seem to understand your mental health?

Work – is there something that you really want to do? I know that’s a hard question when you feel so flat. If there is, is it a real option?

I wish I had some great pearls of wisdom for you but I don’t. I do so wish you were in a better place and would do anything to get you there.


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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Feb 13, 2020 3:16 am


Good to hear from you, too. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have signed a six month tenancy which means three months left. Unless the landlady can find someone to replace me. She's nice and we're meeting next week to discuss so hopefully!

Worst case scenario, I have to make two more payments for a bedsit I'm not/hardly ever using.

Otherwise, it would be moving back home. I can't afford to live independently in my area unless I worked 48 hour weeks which would cause my mental health to take a dive. So that's not viable.

I don't want to move back home. It's a better option than shared accommodation but has it's problems, too. Neither one would make me happy. Perhaps just 'less unhappy'.

So my employers text me to come in Friday and 'talk about my future with the company'. They've also posted my job on their restaurant's Facebook page. Bit sly, but they have been good to me.
I'm not actually disappointed. Now the decision is out of my hands.

The only type of job I can best hold down now mentally is a kitchen porter. I could get a job doing that locally but I would only be living a different version of the same reality.

Other option is to get a full time job where my boyfriend lives and move in with my him and his parents. I could spend my days off at my parents if I wanted. This way, nothing about my current life would change. The only thing keeping me here is a job I've lost and a bedsit I've handed my notice in to terminate the rental agreement. So... nothing.

Living with him would also mean seeing a boyfriend a like on a mostly daily basis (time apart triggers my low mood and feelings of indifference), going to the leisure centre he trains at twice a week for a swim/spa (I love this but don't go locally due to negative associations around my anorexia and weight loss making me feel uneasy and sad), and he has a puppy! (My parents won't have a dog and I can't have one in shared accommodation).

Also, this would be a change.

Negative aspect is my insecurities, feeling I'm imposing and fear of being disliked, fear of rejection, blah blah blah. :roll:

I have a job trial as a kitchen porter five minutes walk from his house the same day I'm due for my "You're Fired!" chat with my 'current bosses'. :oops: :? :lol: I'm confident I'll get it.

He joked tonight that "we'll be sick of each other by next week!" to which I instantly thought "Shit! I'm irritating!" :shock:

I guess I won't know until I try. There is the potential of it being better, whereas staying here it will only ever be the same (or worse). If making the change is worse, then at least coming home will then be better or 'less worse'.

Only other option would be to join a lay religious community (something I've desired for a long time). I've been invited for an experience week in six week's time. Positives are I know someone living there plus it looks suitable in many ways. Negatives are I don't personally feel drawn to it (but have to check it out to make an informed opinion so dismiss this negative) and it's out of the country so would mean my partner and I would be very unlikely to stay together.

Final (similar) option is to join another community. Positive is it looks very much like something I want. Negatives are that it's radical/extreme/tough (is that going to be a good thing....?) and it is even further away again so I wouldn't stay in this relationship.
I am still waiting on correspondence with regards to this opportunity.

I met my boyfriend online. It got to the point when I snapped and realised I'll never meet anyone in my dusty old boring town unless I go on a bloomin' dating site or something! I did a few months back and we've been together since before Christmas.

I've recently snapped again with regards to my living situation and work life. I'm not happy here.
I don't want to live in my town. So now I just need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

My boyfriend is very supportive and does want to understand. But unless someone has really been through it, they just won't get it.

He has disclosed some pretty hefty stuff with me, though. Like, he's had suicidal thoughts some years ago and his family have lots of complex issues (what family doesn't, eh?)

I don't want my boyfriend (whoever he was!) to be my support or therapist or whatever. I feel guilty for being a 'bum note' or a 'dark cloud' but he wants to support me.

There are times when I think I could fall in love with him one day. I do like him, a lot. He's very quiet, gentle and reserved. I find myself checking in as to if he's okay. He mostly is. He's just a peaceful guy.

Way back when, my desire was to do full time missionary/charity work serving others. Now, that would be on a much smaller scale. Perhaps one of the communities could satisfy this. Or even some local volunteering again in the future. I've tried with changing jobs but the stress and pressure gets too much and it doesn't last. Hence the dish washing jobs. You can't mess it up. I mean, I've just been sacked but even then it's no big deal. There are other restaurants with different dishes to wash. :lol:

RTT sounds very interesting. Do keep me updated about this. Tonight, I met with a psychotherapist who specialises in EMDR (eye movement desensitisation reprocessing), trauma therapy and bereavement/loss counselling. I liked her a lot. EMDR could prove effective for addressing memories that triggered my onset of mental illness way back when I was a nine year old child. Also it could prove effective for reprocessing traumatic memories I witnessed in India.

I've tried hypnotherapy overnight and some meditations but it hasn't really benefitted me personally. I definitely would consider it in the future though.

Have you ever had cognitive behavioural therapy? CBT made a massive difference to my life.
Highly recommend it.

Thanks for your kind words and helpful advice. Really means a lot.

How are things with you?
Let me know - honestly! - what you think about the options I stated above (living here, moving with boyfriend, joining community). I'm taking lots of advice on board and, knowing you have struggles of your own with mental health, I would really appreciate your take on things too!

I hope you are as well as you can be right now.

Much love,

Em xxx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Thu Feb 13, 2020 10:11 am


Wow, you have a lot going on.
The thing that really comes through in your posts is that you want/need change, on one scale or another. That's a good thing (I'm terrified of it and avoid it at all costs).

I hope your landlady can come up with something - you definitely can't live there for that length of time, its not healthy mentally to live somewhere you hate.

Working a 48hour week would destroy most people so no, I agree, that's not an option.

Moving back home - that's a tricky one! I think as a temporary thing then yes, its safe and its what you know but from what I know, your Mum is difficult to live with and that's not healthy either.

Moving in with your boyfriend - lots of positives - being with him, the gym, potential of a job near there, time to go home if you need it. Plus, you've said he is laid back and peaceful - always good. I totally understand the imposing and burden thoughts but that's what our heads do, it creates huge issues that aren't there and don't we become the best (or the worst) at mind-reading? Are there any CBT skills that you could use to work through those thoughts? His comment about 'we'll be sick of each other by next week?' could be more about his worries that you'll get sick of him and not the other way round - hard to see that but always a possibility.

Do you like his parents? I think you need to be somewhere where you're comfortable to just be. What I mean is you know when we just need to flop in front of the TV or mooch around the kitchen. Would you feel OK doing that? What I'm trying to get at is, would you feel you had to spend all your time in your boyfriend's room when he isn't there? I don't think that would be good for you. You need to feel relaxed, like its your home too. When you say they have complex issues, is that going to affect you?

Lay community - I've tried to google this so get an opinion but can't find much so apologies. I know this has been something you have thought about for many years. Would it give you enough? Would the work with them make you feel fulfilled on different levels? So I know (assume) you'd be contributing to its community but what would it give back to you? The strict one does worry me. I know having rules/framework etc can be good but if you start to struggle, what would be their support approach - support or not?

I know either lay community then puts into question your relationship and I think that is very important to you.

So much to think about!!

Are you currently under the mental health team? Anyone there have a view on any of this?

I do love your approach to working - very balanced and healthy.

I have heard of EMDR - someone on a forum I use for BPD has had it and thinks its really good for addressing trauma and childhood issues.

I have had CBT and also DBT, that finished last year. I'm fully equipped with the skills to get out of how I'm feeling but at the moment, they're not enough. They don't seem to work against a back drop of self loathing. I think if I can nail that, then the rest of my issues might sort themselves out. How to do it is the big question. The RTT sounds designed to sort it out but I need to do more research. It was recommended to me by a neuro-psychologist who I completely trust so maybe its an option. I've had tonnes of therapy over the years, I know what the issues are, I know where they came from, but I can't for the life of me sort of what needs to happen to change how I feel about it now. I totally understand the feeling of fear of being a lesser person, unwanted and rejected. I live in the same fear - terrified of what I say and do in case its not enough and I'll be rejected. Its exhausting isn't it?
I also know that I can't live like this but don't feel able to change.
I think you're incredibly brave to have made the changes you have already and to be seeking others.

Love Mx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Feb 13, 2020 7:34 pm


Aww! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a genuinely kind and thoughtful response. It really does mean a lot and I appreciate your honest insights. :)

I think change happens when we are ready to make it. It's all about slow and steady, baby steps and doing what's right for us each as individuals in the moment. So please go easy on yourself and commend yourself for how far you've come and on what you are achieving today. :)

I totally agree. I could only return to living at home under the condition that it was temporary. It would merely be a different version of the same reality, but with the added tension between my mother and I becoming more prevalent. :o :roll:

Our negative thoughts do have this awful ability to conjure up non existent issues.
I didn't think of it that way..... He could very well have been projecting his insecurities that I would "get sick of him" onto me.

From what his dad has alluded to (in our father-son's girlfriend chats :lol: ), my boyfriend lacks self confidence. My boyfriend also told me he thinks he's falling in love with me and (during one of my mad spats of depression/stress when I broke up with him :roll: :oops: ), he actually cried down the phone whilst speaking to me. It's a very, very difficult adjustment for me to even begin to accept that someone (especially someone lovely like him) could actually have feelings for me.
So, naturally, we both have our own insecurities. As any couple would, I am sure! But we have excitement and hope, too! :)

I do like his parents. They're very much a sit around the table and have dinner and a few drinks and merrily share some funny nostalgia kind of family, which is nice.

I really like his mum. :)
I know she had a breakdown some years ago, I feel we're (not because of the breakdown! haha!) on the same page. His mum also goes with him once or twice a week to the gym.

I like his dad, too. He makes me laugh, but he's (naturally) VERY protective of his son.
Both of them are very welcoming and want me to feel at home. They're very all-embracing. Perhaps overly so, but it sort of feels okay if that makes sense?

I do feel, with time (like with anyone), I could just 'be' there. I also feel I could be of use! His parents both work full time Monday-Friday and I would like to be able to cook and help with cleaning (I'm very good domestic-wise ;) ).

If I get this job (trial tomorrow), then my boyfriend and I will have similar shifts. (i.e. he always works 3pm-10pm. My shifts would mostly start from 12pm-4pm and finish at 10pm/11pm so we'd be together in the mornings and finish at the same time.
If I finished early (say, 9am-4pm or whatever) and he was working late, I could go home that evening.... go to my support group, catch up with my parents, have some me time/space or whatever.

What I'm saying in a long, convoluted way is that I wouldn't have lots of time at home just me and his parents. :lol: )

Also, his Nan (who lives alone and is quite lonely to the point where she creates little problems so people can come and help her) is lovely. I don't have a nan. She has already invited me up to sort her jewellery out with her. I totally would, too! :lol:

The complex issues wouldn't affect me, no. They concern my boyfriend's brother (who I get on with) and his family (they live separately to my boyfriend and his parents) and otherwise it's issues with extended family that they are estranged from.

Lay community is basically a religious-based community but the members are not priests or nuns. They are free, like I am now. Not bound to a religious order. Basically it would be like volunteering. I hope that makes some sense?

I guess what community could give back is belonging and friendship.
Moving in with my boyfriend could also give me that sense of belonging.
I don't know if the community work would fulfil me. The charity work serving the poor in India really fulfilled me. I don't know if making beds and frying eggs would have quite the same oomph about it though.... I guess it would be a case of, coming from a faith perspective, my head saying "I'm doing a good, meaningful thing. Thus I have more purpose". Hm...

Very fair point regarding the strict community. Thank you.
I've been in two strict communities previously. Loved them both, but when I struggled the self-sacrifice blurred into self-punishment. Cue isolating myself, self-harming behaviours, depression, and a full-on mental breakdown which lasted a year and took two more years afterwards to get to the place where I am today.
So, very fair point.

I am currently under the community mental health team. I'm drawing to the last leg of my eating disorder therapy. I'm not on medication so discharge would probably be in the next few months. :D

I've asked two other Sane users I've written to at length for a couple of years their opinion. Also I will put my options to my support group this afternoon. I will ask the CMHT when I next see them, unless I've by then made the decision re all of this!

But I've had a very good day today. :) I've felt very free for the first time in a long time. Happy, even. *faints with shock* My boyfriend is picking me up early tomorrow, then it's Valentines Day coffee somewhere before my trial shift. I'm excited for the shift!

Turns out my bosses weren't going to sack me. :roll: Think it was more a case of they didn't expect me to see the job posting and now are back-tracking. I feel better at the thought that I'm leaving there. It was good, but I'm done now. No more.

That's remarkable that you have undergone such intensive therapy. You really must be a very strong, resilient, motivated and committed person with excellent self-awareness and maturity. You should be really proud of yourself. None of it has been wasted. :)

No pressure if you don't want to talk more, but do you think your current feelings are reactive? For example, I feel miserable because my job and living arrangement makes me feel miserable, thus making the change will hopefully ease (or end! okay maybe ambitious, 'ease' :lol: ) the misery.

You don't have to share (although I am always here to listen and help if I can!), but what is it in your life NOW that is making you feel the negative ways you feel? What is keeping those thoughts going? What triggers them?

Ask yourself, what do YOU want? What changes do you want to make? Then think about the how.
Would you feel better if you made these changes? Would it lessen the intensity of your negative beliefs?

Or, do you think it is due (either partly or entirely) to a chemical imbalance in your brain?
Are you on medication? (prescribed or natural)
Have you ever tried reflexology and/or acupuncture to target pressure points and release trapped energy?

RTT could in fact be a good option for you. Is it available within your locality?
Do you think EMDR would be relevant for you?
Have you heard of neuro-linguistic programming? (NLP)
I think hypnosis is definitely worth you exploring, too.

Structured therapy is excellent. I think it's great that you've done CBT and DBT, as well as lots of talking therapy. Perhaps explore the more holistic approach?

Haha! Look at me, "Doctor Em" :roll: :lol: Sooooooo many questions.

I honestly do hope that some of this helps. I will keep you in the know about how things unfold. Please keep me posted on how you are doing, too. Reach out anytime if you want to chat.

Take care of yourself and stay strong. You are doing so well.

Love Em xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Feb 14, 2020 10:36 am

Morning Em

What came across very clear in your last post (in my opinion) is that moving in with your boyfriend ticks the most boxes. He really cares about you, his parents are really nice plus you can adopt a Nan - perfect. I lost mine many years ago and I still see her as the best person ever - everyone should have a Nan!

I think being open and honest with his family will keep things in the right place and you have started off in that way which is great.

Work wise – if you need/want to feel that you’re part of something/contributing to something, could you do a small amount of volunteer work? I say small amount because I think it’s important to keep a balance between work, family duties and pleasure.

I did smile when you said work weren’t going to sack you and were now backtracking – you had all the control there which is brilliant.

I’m really glad that you had such a great day and can even now use the word ‘happy’ – you’ve come such a long way. First Valentine’s Day together – that is special – enjoy it.

I think some of my current issues are definitely reactive but also have the backdrop of long term mental health issues. I’ve had depression since I was 14 (I’m now 47) and only got a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder a couple of years ago. Anxiety started about 7 years ago and its ruined a lot of things. Work is pure anxiety – terrified of making a mistake and letting people down. My manager is great, very supportive but I really can’t shake the feeling that I’m sure she would love it for me to leave then she could replace me with someone who isn’t so much hard work. I think the life-changing anxiety is due to hormones as I’m menopausal. On HRT in a desperate bid to manage it better.
My issues go back to being young – parents had very high expectations of me and I never felt good enough – still don’t. So now, even as a (barely) functioning adult, I’m terrified of disappointing him and do anything and everything to avoid confrontation, disagreeing with him etc. That then causes issues with my partner who thinks that’s mad. I have huge issues with her as well – we’ve been together almost 26 years but she won’t acknowledge us a couple outside of our house. She doesn’t want anyone to know so we have to pretend that we are just 2 friends living together. I feel that if I was enough she would be proud to say we’re partners. Both her and my dad cause me huge amounts of anxiety which then fuels the depression. I can’t talk to either about it. My Dad is completely oblivious to my issues – I’ve never told them about being ill since I left home and keep up a pretence that I’m all OK. My partner is very dismissive of my mental health saying things like ‘we all have bad days’ and ‘what do you have to be depressed about’ – very frustrating and invalidating.
DBT gave me loads of skills to deal with the emotions and feelings as they come up but I can’t seem to access them in my head. DBT, like CBT, is more about the present than the past but I now think that I really need to address the past.
I’ve managed to access some counselling through work but only 6 sessions and 1 was taken up doing all the initial background stuff. She told me that basically we can’t sort it in 5 sessions and that I need to decide how I want to use the time. Do I want to talk about the now and how to manage the emotions or do I want to try to chunk up the past and work on one? I think talking about the now is a waste of her time. I have the DBT skills and I think if I can address the old stuff then I’ll be able to use those skills better. I want to address the old stuff but struggling to see how I can chunk it up. What I don’t want to do is open up the flood gates to a whole history of crap and then run out of sessions before putting the lid back on.
What do you think?
Many years ago I saw a great therapist and she used NLP on me all the time – she was a bit of a genius at it. I do need to look at it for me so that’s a good idea.
I will look at EMDR, I’m desperate so will look into anything.
I did go through a long spell years ago of looking at the holistic stuff. One thing I do want to look at is my diet and I know a nutritionist who looks at diet in the context of hormone balancing so I need to bite the bullet and book in to see her.

In answer to your question,
‘Ask yourself, what do YOU want? What changes do you want to make? Then think about the how.
Would you feel better if you made these changes? Would it lessen the intensity of your negative beliefs? ‘

I want to not react to others, to not feel anxious because of what I think other people think or what I think they think. To have confidence in myself, to believe I’m good enough, that I matter.

Sorry, I seem to have hijacked your post!

What are plans for today?



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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Sun Feb 16, 2020 3:24 am

Hey Em

I agree with everything so sad already said.. congratulations on meeting such a nice boyfriend, you deserve it. He won’t be your therapist don’t worry! He wants to be your boyfriend and I think it’s important to be with someone who can support you emotionally when needed, it sounds like he is capable to do it and he wants to. It sounds like you are bringing much happiness to his life and even to the rest of his family.

I expect you are nervous about this step but eventually you will have to move the relationship on and see how living together goes and it sounds like it’s good timing to try it.

I wouldn’t worry that you aren’t going crazy missing him when he’s not there - I think it’s a good thing actually! Maybe try to let go of any expectations of how you ‘should’ feel.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be giving so much back to everyone else. Remember you are important too! Volunteering is a great thing to do and I’m sure there will be something locally that gives you some real fulfilment, maybe in time you can increase how much you do, when you are ready. Even giving a small amount of money to a good charity (one that spends the money well) is vital for them to do their work. Perhaps being with your boyfriend’s family will give you the belonging and also the purpose you are missing. If not perhaps you could find a nice friendly and relaxed church locally that is quite active socially, and slowly get more involved there if you feel you want to?

Would it help to tell your boyfriend that you would love to move in and see how it goes - not commit to making it permanent as such?

I’ve been struggling with some of my thoughts this week. I’m very aware of my physical feelings and aches and pains. My mood is not always great. Maybe it’s the weather and all the awful news around at the moment! But like you I see these feelings as something I need to feel and to be comfortable feeling rather than numbing the feelings - so I guess that’s progress??

I moved recently and a bit of distance has really given me a better perspective on everything - things that seemed unbearable are now more within my control.

So sad gave me an idea as my skin is so bad, perhaps I should see someone about it. It’s either diet or just hormones I think.

Mm xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Sun Feb 16, 2020 4:02 am

Ps you said in your original post that all the old pre-med feelings were coming back. Do you think it’s possible that you are now ready to face those issues and maybe get them resolved for good now that you are stronger and have some support?
That’s kind of how I felt a little while ago so I wondered if maybe it might be similar for you. From what I’ve read the meds can numb the pain but until you face things head on it will keep returning. Could the idea of those communities be a bit of escapism in a way as it would consume you more than everyday life, no decisions to make, a very clear purpose that is given to you.. perhaps take away the pain temporarily but you would crash at some point as you haven’t fully dealt with things, a bit like being on the meds.. Or is it that you feel like you have to be of constant service to others to be worthy - in which case you need to learn that you are AWESOME and WORTHY even when you are just bumbling along looking after yourself and getting through the day ! I’m expect your boyfriend wants to be with you as he enjoys your company and not because of everything you can do for him. Not every girlfriend would spend so much quality time with his mum, his dad, his nan - he’s lucky to have you xx

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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Tue Feb 18, 2020 10:22 am

Hey M! :D

I'll spare you the scenic route (and myself the embarrassment), it didn't work out with the boyfriend.

I don't really want to talk about it.
Let's just say, his father unsettled me. He was intense, controlling (over the boyfriend and his relationship decisions) and he posed with the threat of becoming volatile.
"As long as you don't hurt my boy, everything will be okay...." *shudder* :?

The boyfriend was incredibly dependent on his parents. He wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.
I felt a lot of pressure on me to work and live there. Already, he spoke of houses and mortgages and having children. *runs for the hills*

I am impressionable, insecure, very indecisive and (more so recently) depressive. I always seek to please, I am unsettled (and sometimes almost afraid of) confrontation and I don't cope under pressure. I fear upsetting people because, ultimately, I fear rejection and a confirmation of my core beliefs that I am: less, worthless, unwanted and inadequate. Having such beliefs confirmed leads to a fear of depression and - at the core - a fear of feeling rock bottom again, suicidal at most and out of control.

I get myself into situations that are difficult to get out of.

In other news, I have officially lost my job. I spoke with the boss. She said, "If it was my choice and you worked front of house" (her partner runs the kitchen), "I would have..." - insert shooeing motion with her hand - "got rid of you ages ago". She proceeded to say, "you're lucky my sister is a mental health nurse" and that "if you had diarrhoea you could miss your shifts, but not because you are just on 'a downer'." to which I replied: "I wish I did have diarrhoea".

No hard feelings but let's call it a day now. Working there was making me really unhappy.

Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly with me. I've posed a few questions with the intention of them helping you to help yourself make the best decisions for you. I in no way seek to imply anything untoward. Feel free to ponder over them, answer or dismiss them altogether.

Would a different work place, environment or job role make the anxiety more manageable?

Does your partner acknowledge her sexuality alone (not just your relationship) to anyone?
If not, why not?
Are you, ultimately, happy with her?
If she acknowledged your relationship, would things improve between you to the extent that the relationship would then become something that would no longer cause you significant distress, anxiety and upset?
Do you think the residual issues (i.e. around her dismissing your mental health) would continue to trigger your negative core beliefs to the extent of perpetuating your anxiety, depression and unhelpful thought-emotion-behaviour patterns?
Do you think your partner would be able and willing to, at least try, to understand your perspective regarding acknowledging your relationship and to support you in improving your mental health and general sense of wellbeing?

Would you be in a place where you could be able to seek private counselling? Even if it was less frequent but for a longer period of time?
Or counselling at a reduced rate? I know charities, such as Mind, can offer sessions from about £10-£20.
Again, I know reduced rate options can sometime be for a limited number of sessions.... but counsellors and charities seek to care and wouldn't leave you with 'the flood gates open'.
Could you express this concern to them before commencing therapy? Ask about the possibility of extending sessions if required?
Have you ever sought support from a peer support group? Honestly, mine is a significant source of support and reduces feelings of isolation.

You ARE good enough. You DO matter. Have you ever kept a gratitude diary where you write three things you are thankful for each day? How about writing at least one achievement you've made each day? This could be as simple as exchanging a smile with a stranger, sharing a laugh with a friend, writing a helpful post to me on here, meeting your targets at work, enjoying time with you partner, receiving a compliment... just to show you that you DO matter!

Best way to reduce anxiety is exposure. Letting yourself fail in front of colleagues. For years, I would bolt out of jobs for fear of showing my 'inadequacies' (which to me was my depression). I held down a job for 15 months (record!) because every time I kept showing my depression (I.e. that I was struggling), I kept on going back and trying and trying and trying.
If avoidance perpetuates anxiety, stop avoiding.
If seeking approval/permission perpetuates anxiety, stop seeking approval/permission.
I used to clean the house to perfection to 'be good enough' for my mother. It wasn't until I (accidently) cleaned the oven with 'extremely flammable' product (obviously, not for ovens) that I knew I'd gone way to far. I'm much more relaxed about it all now. I'll help out without bleach and getting on my hands and knees. If my mum offers to do the dishes or whatever and insists I relax, then I do.
What I'm saying is, it takes time and practice and repetition.... a lot easier said than done, I know!

Would it help to review your CBT work?

Don't ever think you've hijacked my post. We're all here to support each other. You have thus, improved it! :D

Much love,

Em xxx

Posts: 532
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Tue Feb 18, 2020 10:26 am

Hey Minniemoo! :D

Thanks for posting! I've just got to dash out, but I didn't want to leave without acknowledging your kind and thoughtful post! I will reply properly later when I can dedicate to it the time and attention it deserves.

Wishing you a positive, productive and peaceful day. I hope you are as well as you can be.

Speak very soon!

Much love,

Em xxx

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