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Is something wrong with me?

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juno
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:07 pm

Is something wrong with me?

Postby juno » Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:28 pm

I have these months when there's a vile, annoying voice in the back of my head. Not exactly my own either. It's mine, but I'm not the one speaking it. I would be having a conversation with someone, enjoying myself and having a good time, and while I'm listening to them my thoughts just go "I wanna punch you in the face!" Thankfully I don't say it out loud, but sometimes my face betrays my discomfort and people notice it, albeit don't understand it.

At first I got confused, but the thoughts would just keep looping, over and over and over again until I would find myself mutely arguing with the other voice in my head, telling it to leave me alone, stop saying all these nasty things and go away. Eventually it always does - sometimes temporarily, sometimes for good. It always comes in periods though, some months I don't hear it at all, others it's unbearable. The more I fear it - the more I hear it.

The worst month was when it had me repeating "I wish my Mom would die." numerous times a day, every day. It broke my heart that such a sentence could be uttered in my thoughts. She is the most important person in the world to me and she's also a cancer survivor, so it strikes way too close to home. I dread her death. It drove me mad. And I was disgusted by those thoughts. My Father died of lung cancer seven years ago too.

Hence the title - is something wrong with me? Or is this regular stuff nobody talks about.

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