I never used to be like this, infact up until 2 months ago nothing made me sad, life could throw anything at me and I was convinced I could get through it with a grin on my face and a witty remark up my sleeve. Now I feel like i've forgotten how to smile.
Don't get me wrong a part of me still loves life, all its charms, colours and exciting prospects but lately theres this shadow and its following me no matter where I go.
The last two years have been rough, parents devorced, Mum had insanely rough health problems including chronic depression and anxiety which she leans on me for every single day 24/7, company I worked for went under so I stopped earning good money and had to go self employed as a way to look after mum and make a living. I live in a tiny area of somerset and all my friends have moved away and i'm isolated a lot. But none of this got me down.
Then 2 months ago I end up in hospital with what they thought were migraines but turns out is a really nasty virus causing a whole host of things including the bout of depression and anxiety that just won't quit. Every day I now feel stressed, things that didn't bother me before have become overwhelming, I have a panic attack every time I wake up in the morning and sleep like crap all the time now. I want to curl up and cry when I think about the future and i'm plagued with unwanted suicidal thoughts that send me spinning out of control and make me feel so terrified. I'm reading every book under the sun, trying so many self help guides and even went if a short course of Diazepam in the hospital which helped a little. I am plagued by anxious thoughts, horrid vivid memories of things that happened in the past I don't even remember and this overarching feeling of helplessness.
I want to get better, I believe I can, I don't want to give up on life but it all feels to much. Does it get better? Does it get easier? And can I help myself?