I'm 24 years old and I feel trapped in my family home and I need to get out because without it, I feel my mental well-being will deteriorate.
This is going to be quite long, but just need a rant:
Since secondary school, I have felt I was emotionally neglected. I stopped attending due to increasing anxiety (that at the time I wasn't aware of) and because I wasn't going and could not explain it, I was kept in my room. I was told it was during school hours but I could never deal well with uncomfortable and tense situations so stayed upstairs. However, my family would allow me to stay in that room for weeks, even months, on end without ever coming to see me. Dinner was left for me on the landing and they would avoid looking or seeing me. This caused my anxiety to worsen because I wasn't being given any social interaction. My family were taken to court and nobody fought for me, expressing that they just thought I was lazy. Being forced back into school with no help from anybody didn't help.
Over the years, it felt my family continued to resent me and my severe anxiety. I tried college, and failed and could never have gotten a job in the state I was in. As it caused money issues, I was always to blame for it as I wasn't bringing anything in. My mum would make it sound worse than it was, just to play the sympathy card and it made me feel I had to force myself to do something.
She has always made me feel like I'm the one who she is less proud of and just makes me feel like the outsider.
I simply cannot live like this anymore. My family uses my mental health difficulties against me by making me doubt my feelings. I am someone who always needs reassurance about things and hates change without adequate warning. However, recently I have been planning something that is due to happen tomorrow and was only informed that I would be going alone three days before the event. I am understandably annoyed, but my family is making me feel like I am in the wrong for being so. I feel nobody is seeing it from my point of view because they are just thinking about themselves and yet I am being told to see it from others point of view, which I have.
I am due to be taking part in the Memory Walk for Alzheimer's, something I signed up to months ago. Last year, my family came with me to cheer me on and I have been led to believe for 3 months that they will be this year. On Friday, I was told they would not be coming as they can't afford to get there. I didn't want to back out so I've had to make my own arrangements. I am annoyed at the notice they gave me, not that they're not coming. We don't do much as a family as my mum refuses to go out in the afternoon or evenings and when we have the one chance, it's constant excuses that they've had ages to tell me of. My mum though is now annoyed at me because I am annoyed at her and she doesn't understand why I'm upset and expects me to be okay with it. I understand her reasons, I just wish I was told earlier, but she automatically assumes that I'm just being petty and not thought about their reasons. I have, they're just rubbish ones.
They use my low self esteem to guilt trip me into giving them money despite earning less than they do and only being paid my Universal Credit once a month. If I try to refuse, my sister in particular will accuse me of being mean and out of order. My sister (23 y/o) has a weed habit and spends £170 a week on cannabis and then guilt trips me into giving her money because she is low. Yet when I confront her she claims she has debts to pay and that's why she has no money left though she manages to buy takeaways and go to meals with her boyfriend.
I feel vulnerable in my home with them and I always feel on edge whenever I open my mouth. They always seem fed up of me, they don't understand or appreciate my passions and a need to follow them and I know they feel I am going too far. When I try to do things, they make me doubt whether it's the right thing to do and I feel completely trapped here. I am constantly made to feel like a child. Our home is overcrowded with 4 adults living in a two bedroom house! This means that the oldest and youngest member shared the living room as a bedroom as I am sent to my room at 9pm and I am never allowed to stay downstairs longer unless something she is happy watching is on and unless it's a soap, that's rare!
It's really not helping my depression or anxiety and it is becoming hard to deal with! Is this emotional abuse or am I being petty and ridiculous?