Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

[lundihakarlsson]

The past couple of days I tried signing up on ASD dating sites. For some reason, many of them have electronic/coding glitches, and I cannot complete registration. The only site where I was able to create a proper profile was autisticdating.net. Still trying to figure out how it works.

This is my first time going to these types of sites. I have tried the more "mainstream" apps like OKCupid, which has mostly been a waste of time. I never met any women in person from those apps anyway.

The meetups that I attend seem to be quite male-heavy despite being open to everyone, but I suppose that I will have to wait until I get to Europe before I can attend normal meetups.

[minniemoo]

Glad to hear you are taking steps to improve your situation

Instead of telling someone it’s none of their business you could say ‘I had a seven year relationship but we were both very focussed on our very separate studies and careers and it eventually ended. I’m now in a place where I’m more able to get put and date again as my studies are no longer so demanding’. If they specifically ask about physical stuff I would say ‘yeah I’d love more of that with the right person some time too! It’s been a while!’ If they ask how long just say ‘too long!’ As long as you don’t sound creepy, just jokey and light..
That’s me, maybe think what works for you... when you meet the right girl you can discuss it after you get to know each other.

[minniemoo]

Or maybe if you meet the nice girl who is understanding you can be more honest and say you had a previous relationship like I said above, but that you’ve been single for a while and you find this stuff hard.

[lundihakarlsson]

I still do not know if I can call it a "relationship", because it was never official. Also, the physical aspect was quite clearly absent. Although she was a chess player like me, many people people in the local chess community considered us "together" although we ourselves did not state so explicitly. She was never into the physical stuff though, and I sometimes wondered if she was asexual or simply just not interested in physical. However, our parents did meet each other and know each other somewhat, solely because of us. As far as I know, right now she is 31 and still a virgin (similar to me). She will probably become a doctor one day, and myself as well.

But it was mostly because of the lack of being official plus the lack of physical that I still do not know if to consider it a relationship; that is why I usually refer to myself as having always been single.

All I can say though is that I did love her. Up to now I have not met any woman who comes close to making me feel the way that she did.

[lundihakarlsson]

That does make sense I suppose. Answering that question could be warranted if the woman is asking it sincerely, and not in a sly way get more information to make fun of me.

However, when male acquaintances/friends ask me, especially tech and "bro" types, I think that I should tell them that it is not their business. My intuition is that they want to get information about me and create gossip/rumours in the community.

I downloaded this app "Cove". I am not a fan of apps and prefer face-to-face interaction, but at least it is good practise.

[lundihakarlsson]

I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.

I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.

[minniemoo]

Hey that’s awesome. Turning 30 seems to be quite a pivotal time, unexpectedly so as I never knew it was a key milestone.
I had my worst time at around 30 but I can honestly say that since approx 32yrs my life and mental health has got better and better. Good luck and have a great bday!

[thomuir]

Hello lundihakarlsson

First off, good for you for reaching out for support; that's very often the hardest part.

I understand your frustration at never having a girlfriend and still being a virgin at 30, but, speaking as another fella, I honestly don't think you have anything to feel embarrassed about. We all too often compare and judge our lives against the lives of others around us which, very often, leads to misery.

Given that you have been so busy with your studies, it comes as no surprise at all that, unlike some of your peers perhaps, you graduated from university still single. I doubt for a minute that you were the only single person that graduated that year; I also doubt very much that you were the only virgin either.

If you were ever to tell a "mate" that you are still a virgin and he/she responded by saying anything other than something like "there's nothing wrong with that, you obviously haven't met the right woman yet" (I hope you get my point), then I would question just how much of a mate he/she is. As for any woman thinking you are weird 'cause you're still a virgin, would you really want to share your body with someone that shallow? I'm guessing you wouldn't as it's more than a one-night-stand that you'd like.

I think a key thing to remember here is that even though women can be as (insert adjective of your choice here) as men, most men and women look at sex differently. For a lot of men, sex is in the penis and their biological need to reproduce whereas for a lot of women, so my female friends tell me, sex tends to be more in the brain which is why, so my female friends tell me, if you do not turn a woman on mentally, it can be quite uncomfortable for them. Truth be told, women, as a rule and in my opinion, tend to be more mature emotionally so they are less likely to judge you than another man might, on account of him buying into the bullshit that is toxic masculinity. You are no less of a man because you have never had a girlfriend and are still a virgin than a man that has had 100s of women from the age of 16 is.

You say " I really cannot understand why I got in this situation. I was born a very shy, introverted person who was extremely studious and naturally had social anxiety." I would suggest that therein lies your problem. If you could build on your confidence by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, perhaps by being a bit more open to hobbies that aren't male dominated, you might find that you get to meet more females. If you could also work on your social anxiety, things would have a better chance of falling into place for you eh, especially now that you are no longer studying.

I'm no expert on anything, but, I do believe that there is a solution for every problem and I very much hope that you find one that best suits you and your needs.

Good luck fella!

[lundihakarlsson]

Exactly five days remain until my 30th birthday. But I am overseas on holiday right now, and I have not been thinking too much about this issue. I more or less accept that I will enter my 30s being single/virgin. There really is nothing that I can do about it right now, but that is fine.

I think that the constant criticism and beratement that I have received for decades just affected my mindset too much. I would estimate that over 90% of people, both male and female, upon finding out that I am single/virgin, they react very negatively. Well over ten times in my life, women have straight up laughed in my face when I told them. Around 4-5 times women have reacted really negatively, as in calling me a fücking disgusting loser, or giving me the double middle finger to my face, but thankfully this has not happened very often. I am not sure why my situation provokes such visceral reactions. But I think that I took these experiences too seriously and started to believe that I was really a hopeless loser. At least where I live, being single/virgin at my age is something that is really not tolerated.

There are many male acquaintances whom I have met that have basically disowned me for being single/virgin in my 20s. I have a friend who is a 33-year-old virgin and he has been publicly disowned by male acquaintances, being branded as a class A loser. Of course, as a male, I understand the taboo in male circles about being a virgin past teenage years. But where I live, women also believe this. One can call it toxic masculinity, or whatever it really is, but many women whom I have met truly believe that a man being a virgin is a sign that he is a weak person and/or a complete loser. I can still recall clearly some of the times when people called me a virgin loser, and it circles over and over in my mind.

Right now on holiday, I have had some time to think and be introspective about my life. I realise that whatever other people say really is irrelevant to my life. Throughout my life I always have listened to what others said and valued their opinions more than my own. This is clearly a backwards mentality, so right now I am trying to cultivate my own self-esteem without caring what others think. Just a few hours ago, as I rode the train alone from Porto to Lisbon in Portugal, a few women sitting around me stared at me and gave me sour looks. Perhaps I look ugly to them. Oh well. Not my problem. I cannot help how I am, but I do not have to. If I really am that repulsive to them, I can just laugh and say that they can honestly piss off. I have been so hard on myself throughout my whole life that I deserve at least some respect for what I have accomplished.