Hi, so I'm very new to this, well I had the account for a few month but I haven't really gotten the courage to write anything before. It just seems like pretty problems I guess but it all just slowly piles up and I though maybe it be worth a try? Right so here goes nothing?
I guess I just lost motivation? That seems like the easiest way to describe it even though it's not really that simple. Right so I don't come from the best family, my father was an alcoholic until he suffered two heart attacks when I was just 11 and just stopped drinking after, and my mother drinks too.
I guess I get along with dad? But his illness was never easy for me either though nobody ever seemed to ask how I took it. You see I'm the only daughter that at the time still lived with my parents (I've got 3 much older sisters) and my parents speak very little English. So all the appointments and phone calls and what not I was the "translator", the term itself I quickly learned to despise since I was no longer introduced as "the daughter" but rather "the translator". There were times when I would be home alone with my father and his pacemaker would start to shock him and I regardless of my age had to watch how he suffered and call the ambulance, translate everything and then ride in that ambulance with him. I know it maybe doesn't seem like much but I still hate the idea of ambulances now. When my friend injured himself very seriously few weeks ago and I had to ring 999 again, I did it and then spent awhile just crying for no apparent reason, another friend went with him.
I guess after he fell ill my childhood ended sort of? It was no longer a matter of playing with friends cause every time I was out of the house and my mother at work (she used to and still does work 12hour shifts) I would have a horrible though in the back of my mind that something would happen. My peers would always same that I'm the odd boring one, needless to say I wasn't very popular but I wasn't really bullied either. The small group I did have turned out to in the end be worse company then I thought them to be. Nat a girl I grew up with would always be the popular one we were "BFFS", you know how kids are, but with time o realised that she didn't understand that I couldn't just do what other kids did since I felt too responsible for my father.I guess I focused more on high school then. But over time it became apparent that my own health suffered from the stress. A few weeks before I sat my GCSE'S I started having heart palpitations almost every day. The doctors said it was due to stress and as I sat my exams I got a separate room and examiner since I had this little heart monitor attached to me that beeped.
Through out I didn't really have my mothers support, none of my sisters ever got her support either. She would and still does say such cruel things to us. Few I remember of the top of my head, "You'll just work in a factory anyway", "You'll probably get pregnant and won't finish school" or "I never wanted children I never liked them, maybe the 1st one was okay but the rest..." She's good at spewing lies too she always has been, her whole workplace is convinced that none of my sisters ever helped her when it's my sisters that paired her debts, that supported her. But she never cared about that. I never understood why she did all this. I was never a bad child, at least I think so? I got top marks in school, always came home on time, helped with chores, but to her I always seemed this useless parasite that just existed to spite her.
Anyway a week after I finished my GCSES I moved out to live with my eldest sister and her family on the other side of the country. It was my favourite teacher that convinced me too after she found out about the situation at home. Ofcourse that earned me the spite of both my parents and my paternal grandmother but I just couldn't handle it anymore. Over the next months my heart palpitations became less and less frequent and I generally calmed a bit. When my results came in I was happy to see I got nothing below an A and ended up getting a scholarship at my current college. My parents ofcourse didn't care after all it meant nothing.
And now I guess though a bit calmer there is still so much going on. My mother keeps living to my father that their financial problems are my blame since I moved out and they have to pay, which is a lie since I don't get a penny from my mother nor did I ever as for anything. And to almost everyone around I'm just the quiet scholarship girl that got good grades in high school. And to be perfectly honest I'm sick of just being a grade. I ended up losing so much motivation I failed my first time around AS year and just resat now, and to be honest I think I failed again? I get results this coming week so we'll see but I just lost so much motivation I just feel numb? Like there will be times when something really stupid like one wrong word will get me sobbing but the majority of the time I just feel really numb? It's hard to explain. And I know college is very important and I keep promising myself that I'll work harder but I get home every day and just feel really tired and end up napping or just reading to escape everything for a bit.
There are a few other things I wouldn't mind sharing too but this is already so long, and probably makes no sence, Ill post another time. So yeah, I'm sorry this seems all over the place and maybe doesn't make sence but maybe getting some parts of my chest will help? We'll see?
So yeah hi it's nice to meet you all, call me Vesa ❤