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Poss heard this story 1000 times already

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kas104
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:01 pm

Poss heard this story 1000 times already

Postby kas104 » Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:06 pm

Hi, not sure if this comes under the general remit but know I'm getting worse.
Is it possible that a person can stop developing emotionally after an event like bereavement ?
I seem to be getting worse lately and just burst into tears through the smallest reminder of my dead parents.
This seems stupid as my dad died when I was 8 after a very sudden case of cancer which was over in about 6 weeks. I never got closure as I last saw him when the ambulance took him into hospital, and never again after that. I can't blame my mum as she wasn't to know he'd not be coming home. But I wasn't even at the funeral.
One thing that was a nemesis was that I saw an early symptom one day  but he told me not to say anything to anyone, which I didn't. This I carried as guilt for about 30 years, when I eventually told my family that I knew, to which they said my dad did tell them about it !!!!

My mum has now passed some 12 years ago but I feel very fragile and as I said, burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I also have rational thoughts of suicide but it's only the thought of my 17 year old daughter being left in my position in years to come stopping me.

I've got a reasonably responsible retail manager job which I hold together but I'm not sure where to go from here, I'm a 53 year old guy but still feel 8 yrs old and really angry a lot of the time.

mcb
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu May 09, 2019 8:33 pm

Re: Poss heard this story 1000 times already

Postby mcb » Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:23 pm

Hey,

I've not been in your position, not even close but I know what its like posting on here and sitting anxiously to see if anyone will actually reply.

I'm really sorry for your loss and can't begin to imagine the feeling of losing a parent, let alone two. Have you spoke to other family members about how you are feeling? How the smallest things set you off? Have you spoke about it over the year sor have you bottled it up and now 40 years or so on your bottle is overflowing?

I just want to understand a bit more, sorry if it seems like im prowing for details.

kas104
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:01 pm

Re: Poss heard this story 1000 times already

Postby kas104 » Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:12 pm

I thought I was reasonably keeping a lid on things, as guys do. But I'm not the sort to share generally, I've probably posted here as I'm not likely to actually see anyone. There's not anyone I can speak to in the family and I see it as a problem they don't need to deal with.
I appreciate this seems counter productive on my part but ...

I actually made a conscious decision NOT to have children so as to cut the chance of history repeating itself and married a woman who also didn't want kids, but obviously nature decided otherwise.

Some nights I go to bed wishing / hoping not to wake up in the morning.

3-pink-socks
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:15 am

Re: Poss heard this story 1000 times already

Postby 3-pink-socks » Wed Jul 24, 2019 4:43 am

I've experienced multiple bereavements...they just kept coming, one after another, every few months, from October 1998 to August 2010. There have been 2 since.

I learned to become numb and I no longer believe or welcome affection or love. I easily become angry, which can become rage if I don't curtail it, and only sometimes are there a short flood of tears.

Many people have (and still do) let me down, most of the time. That really doesn't help? My beggarly adult Son is the main culprit and it's a struggle to love him while tolerating his lies and excuses. I'm chronically weary; without motivation or energy. I've given up imagining that any-one cares; what the hell?!

However, I'm damned well not leaving this bloody Earth, until I'm forced to, because I'm a stubborn, cussed old coot of 62, and, if no-one is capable of truly loving me, 'warts and all', I'm happy enough to have the company of YouTube, old TV Dramas, and supermarket cashiers, on my occasional trips to indulge in buying food stuffs.

thank you for putting up with my rant.
I sincerely hope that, in some way, you find it helpful.
If not, then I apologise profusely.


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