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Friends?

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
lizziem353
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:33 am

Friends?

Postby lizziem353 » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:46 am

This is probably going to be a long post...
About 6 weeks ago, things came to a head for me. My depression had been getting the better of me for a while before that, and after feeling suicidal, my friends decided that they had reached breaking point, and cut me out of their lives, saying that they didn't have the energy or capacity to deal with me anymore. I do get where they're coming from, I know it's not easy dealing with someone who just can't see any light no matter how much they try to help you. They said I needed to make a change.
For 6 weeks since, of my three best friends, only one has been talking me, and will only talk to me if I'm being positive. I haven't been able to express any of my negative emotions with her. The other two are civil when I'm around them (we all live together in a uni hall), but have not been my 'friends'. In order to gain back their trust and regain their friendship I did everything they said I should do - I went to counselling, to the doctor to change my medication, tried to change my outlook to be more positive. Basically, I was trying to change so that I could do what they wanted of me, and I tried so hard. But 6 weeks later, I'm tired of trying to change to fit the mould of what they want me to be, and having no outlet for my emotions, no support during a really difficult time of changing medications, I have reached breaking point. Last weekend, they all had dinner together and didn't invite me, right where I could hear them (there are a lot of kitchens in our hall, and yet they chose to use the one closest to me), and today, they have all gone away together. They insist they're not isolating me ('we're not acting as though you don't exist'), but it really doesn't feel that way. They were adamant that I go back to counselling, and I did, but it feels like this is just a way that they no longer have to deal with me. As important as counselling is, what I need most is friends, which they have taken away from me. I haven't felt close to anyone in a month. But when I try to express this, their attitude is basically 'we're right and you're wrong'. I'm so tired of feeling alone, and at this point I think what they're doing is basically bullying, saying they will only be friends with me if I change who I am. I don't know what to do.

jonnymiaow
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:56 am
Contact:

Re: Friends?

Postby jonnymiaow » Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:37 pm

Hey Lizziem!

So sorry for what you're enduring. I know it's hard but try to remember what it would be like to imagine depression before you ever had it, your friends genuinely just don't understand. Positivity is a really dangerous message to send to a depressed person, like you say, it basically means 'Pretend to be happy' and essentially equates to 'Just keep quiet about your problems and pretend.' They don't mean the message from a bad place though, so try not to hold it against them.

My profile has contact stuff, you should see to the right of this post, if you want someone to listen in private, or we can chat here if you are comfortable venting in public. Well done for not holding in your feelings and recognizing that you don't need to fit the mould of happy people's expectations, took me far longer to figure that out, so you're doing great!

You're not alone though

lizziem353
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:33 am

Re: Friends?

Postby lizziem353 » Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:59 pm

Hi Jonny,
Thanks for replying :) it means a lot.
You're right, it's really obvious that they don't understand, but I have given up hope in trying to get them to. I asked one of them yesterday 'what would you do in my situation?', and he said 'I don't know', but then also berated me for how I have been acting (I have been lashing out because I'm frustrated and upset at not being heard). But I feel like all I have left is anger. If I'm not angry, it's just crushing sadness, and they just don't understand that. They have told me I need to learn to 'deal with my anger in a healthy way', as if, again, it's all on me to make changes to my mood when a good part of how I've been feeling has been because of the way they've treated me. I tried for so long to put on a happy face so that they would accept me, but it didn't get me anywhere with them, so now all of that frustration and anger and sadness has just bubbled over. And the worst part is, I still want them to accept me, because I don't have anyone else. But all they do when I try to express that I need support is tell me to speak to a counsellor, or call the counsellor themselves (they did this today). They keep saying that they care (and they will no doubt use 'well we called the counsellor') as a reason to support that, but if they cared, wouldn't they support me? - calling the counsellor to me seems like they're saying 'you're not our problem'. I get that they're frustrated with me but it's not like a chronic mental illness is something that I can just make go away by changing my attitude, and trying to deal with everything alone, without any friends.
Thank you again for replying, it feels a lot less lonely knowing I'm not just screaming into the void.

jonnymiaow
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:56 am
Contact:

Re: Friends?

Postby jonnymiaow » Thu Jun 13, 2019 6:19 pm

Aww yeah, you're not screaming into the void. I know what it feels like to be entirely isolated, so can understand all of your feelings.

I think as much as anything, it would be like you trying to help a Japanese (presuming you don't speak Japanese) person to learn Temporal Mechanics. It's just not a subject they understand or a language they know how to speak, they have no frame of reference or personal experience.

"Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on" - Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann

Sometimes when spaces open up in our lives, it makes room for new things. We all keep changing in our lives and sometimes our journeys just take us apart from people who were once close friends. Give them time though, sometimes they'll need to go through things on their journey to be able to relate, or need time to really think.

We're here in the mean time, so you're not alone either way. Maybe you can hang out with them when the sun is shining and come sit with us in the rain, it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to express negative feelings.

That song I quoted from, if you get a spare 7 minutes, it's such a lush song. So much good advice, it often lifts me up a bit when I'm having a darker day.

The anger is understandable and hopefully having a place to come and open up, express your feelings without being told that they're wrong, could well help vent out the frustration inside.

lizziem353
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:33 am

Re: Friends?

Postby lizziem353 » Thu Jun 13, 2019 6:39 pm

It's nice to know that someone understands. I just wish more people spoke the language.
I've had a lot of friends come and go, but what's sad is I thought these were the precious few who I could hold on to. I guess not... I don't think I will be able to hang out with them, even in the sun. I don't think they want anything to do with me anymore. I've lived my entire life since my depression came about for my friends, I could at least hold on and keep myself going for them. Now, I don't have anything to hold on to, or anything to hold on for. If no one cares about you, it's really hard to care about yourself.

jonnymiaow
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:56 am
Contact:

Re: Friends?

Postby jonnymiaow » Thu Jun 13, 2019 7:02 pm

Yeah, I know those feels. Mostly I just keep focusing on today, never really know what tomorrow might bring, who you might meet. I know you're tired and exhausted, I know you don't believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can't promise there is but I can promise that there could well be. I got Snuffles, my kitty lol She's been a good little snugglebug for me, I know it gave a reason to keep fighting each day.

In time you'll meet lots more people who speak the language. I hang out on Twitch a lot, it's been a big support to be able to reach out and communicate with people, a lot of people who are socially isolated from Mental Health find their way there too.


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