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I struggle not believing my sz delusions. I know I don't think straight but they seem like absolute truth. Please help..

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xff34
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu May 16, 2019 4:37 pm

I struggle not believing my sz delusions. I know I don't think straight but they seem like absolute truth. Please help..

Postby xff34 » Thu May 16, 2019 5:34 pm

I have schizophrenia for 6 years. It made me paranoid and progressively more disabled. Mid 2017, I got better. But, since a bit earlier that time, I have been getting symptoms characteristic to OCD. It started as being germaphobic, but then, I think it mixed with my existing schizophrenia. I'm in 40% who very rarely hear voices (and mine were never hostile), but, I have thought insertion, I think. I am somewhat aware that my thinking is distorted at the moment, because when I say anything about what I experience, I get prescribed antipsychotics. My friend has OCD.

I know that you get the feeling that you need to do something a given number of times, or you will get bad karma. For me it is mixed with schizophrenia, I think. I get commands of someone living inside my body or around me like a mist, for example to hurt myself 25 times, or I will become ill with cancer. Or I need to do something seemingly random, like bring a glass to the kitchen, because otherwise he will kill my animals and I am scared to disobey. Recently, it has become better.

But, since a couple of weeks, I have been getting something like a storm of thoughts. They strike my very deep insecurities. It's as if someone is saying the things I fear the most as undoubtedly true. That I am wrong in everything I say against it, and believed. And no matter what logic I try to use, no matter people reassuring me - the relief comes for a short time, then it starts again.

To give it a bit more light. The biggest problem I have, I keep making up "stories" about what I see. For example, I see a headline of an article (only the headline) or remember a faint memory of something with no context. I create a whole article in my head according to the "suspicious" headline - and it is exactly about what I fear to hear the most. When I see a picture, I make up the whole context behind it and become extremely anxious, deeming what I made up as undoubtedly true and in some cases suicidal. :cry:

Although, sometimes I try to combat my fear and actually read that article - it is nowhere about what I thought it was... And although I know my thinking and logic must be heavily distorted at the present moment (I doubt things I haven't normally doubted), my "storm of inserted thoughts" tells me my fears are undoubtedly true. That I am wrong about everything I used to believe when I was in a good state and my thinking wasn't too deluded.

I try to tell myself: "How can you think your thinking is correct, if people tell you otherwise, and you believe a search engine reads your thoughts, seriously considering padding your hat with foil? If your deep insecurity striking doubts came only with you acutely relapsing and you get immediately prescribed antipsychotics?", but it's as if no amount of logic can speak against the thoughts. :( It's as if they are undoubtedly true no matter how much proof I have that they are not.

How can I become aware that my thinking must be distorted? Can I distract myself to "mute" them? I am taking antidepressants since Monday. I heavily insisted as the new doctor wanted to prescribe me different pills (for schizophrenia). But in the past, I've noticed I got visibly better on antidepressants, and I have bad experiences with antipsychotics. How can I keep believing that my thoughts and logic are skewed, and it is the result of my illness? The semi-awareness I have, it's fleeting.

I think I mostly write because I'm very lonely... I have no friends (besides the virtual friend I mentioned but we talk rarely), and my girlfriend is going through a hard time. So, I would end up making her feel even worse if I came out that I am in a bad state and that I need help. :oops: :cry:

bluebell123
Posts: 399
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 9:09 pm

Re: I struggle not believing my sz delusions. I know I don't think straight but they seem like absolute truth. Please he

Postby bluebell123 » Thu May 16, 2019 5:59 pm

Hello xff34, welcome to the forum. I truly feel for you, your post almost brought me to tears, this must be a frightening illness to have. Are you under a mental health team, see a pychiatric nurse or pychiatrist? I am presuming you are and if not your illness sounds serious enough that i would think that they are the right people to direct your questions to. You can self refer to mental health teams now or you could ask your doc for a referral. Regards Aisling

xff34
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu May 16, 2019 4:37 pm

Re: I struggle not believing my sz delusions. I know I don't think straight but they seem like absolute truth. Please he

Postby xff34 » Thu May 16, 2019 6:14 pm

depressedtodeath wrote:Hello xff34, welcome to the forum. I truly feel for you, your post almost brought me to tears, this must be a frightening illness to have. Are you under a mental health team, see a pychiatric nurse or pychiatrist? I am presuming you are and if not your illness sounds serious enough that i would think that they are the right people to direct your questions to. You can self refer to mental health teams now or you could ask your doc for a referral. Regards Aisling

I'm very sorry to make you feel bad. It wasn't my intention :( The psychiatrist is only interested in giving me pills... Does it sound that serious? Thank you for saying it, as it makes me think maybe I trivialize it, talking about it carelessly... Maybe I actually have lost insight. :cry: I will try looking for a therapist again. I have had no luck in the past. Since I dropped therapy (my therapist could not deal with sensory overload, and lost his patience) I feel so lonely.

bluebell123
Posts: 399
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 9:09 pm

Re: I struggle not believing my sz delusions. I know I don't think straight but they seem like absolute truth. Please he

Postby bluebell123 » Thu May 16, 2019 6:30 pm

Do not apologise my distressed feelings were for you not myself, you have nothing to apologize for. I am on anti pychotic meds for severe anxiety. I have been on resperidone which i can no longer take due to blood test results. Aripiprizole gave me severe daily migraines, now on quetiapine which suits me. Which anti pychotics have you tried, is there any reason why you don't want to take them? Aisling


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