I made a post recently about my mental health struggles I’ve been aware of for about 3 years now. I had kind of just given up trying to deal with it on my own and was so upset and defeated. I don’t really know exactly what is wrong with me and at times I don’t really know if there actually is something up with my mental health and I’m actually just being dramatic. Let me explain:
I finally plucked up the courage to talk to my GP about my mental health, I went in slightly unorganised and didn’t explain everything that had been affecting me as I had forgotten in the moment. I ended up being quite overwhelmed and crying. I talked about how I get in bouts where I feel so low and depressed, feeling worthless, low self esteem and insecure, occasional suicidal thoughts and ideation. I told him I feel isolated and alone quite a lot. I told him I occasionally have highs where I’m happy and am quite impulsive, i’m nicer to people and the suicide ideation stops. I also talked about my struggles with intrusive thoughts and an obsessive fear I had a few years back relating to something disgusting and sexual in nature that plagued my thinking for a year and a half, in which I performed mental rituals to alleviate stress temporarily- I didn’t even reveal to him what it was mainly because I was so ashamed of it and constantly worried what it said about me and if these thoughts were true.
I didn’t even mention my lack of concentration when it comes to certain tasks, my awful memory (forgetting people’s names right after they’ve told me), my attention span severely lacking, my anger and feeling of no control, the fact that I cry quite a lot from the exhaustion and feeling of hopelessness and patheticness (although he probably gathered this from my crying in front of him). I didn’t even mention my pathetic lack of social skills, my fear of opening up and showing myself to others, of even talking about things that interest me, my avoidance of social situations for fear of judgement etc. I know people all have this but I’d have this fear to the point of literally being mute and just shutting myself up in conversations because I didn’t feel worthy of showing myself and felt like no one would care. All of these issues I’ve been having were never as bad as they are now.
He put me on antidepressants and I’m now on a therapy waiting list. He said the antidepressants would take a few weeks to start to kick in. What bothers me is that I’m already starting to “feel” stuff. I’m afraid my problems aren’t as bad as I think they are because it’s already seemingly better. I don’t know if this is one of my “highs” or placebo thinking. I even felt happy after talking to the Gp and not even taking the first pill. What the hell is going on???
I feel guilty almost because this is happening, like am I really mentally ill or have I just managed to convince myself?? I’m getting all the side effects as well and I don’t know if the “positive” effects are just in conjunction with the side effects as the drug begins to work. Again I don’t know if this is just a high or placebo thinking or proving I don’t have a problem. Even my parents have noticed a difference in my behaviour. I’ve only been on it for 4 days. 4 days!!!!
I do occasionally get small bouts of low mood and suicide ideation, self critical negative thoughts come back and I’m really just starting to wonder if my low moods were all just results of little occasional things. But I don’t understand how it would affect me for so long, like in my head I was like there must be an issue because I can’t get over this cycle of thinking.
I still wish to talk about my issues with a therapist to talk about the intrusive thoughts and obsessive fear because it’s still something I think about but it’s almost like I’ve kind of gotten over it which makes me question what it was all about whether it was serious whether it was actually intrusive thoughts and an obsessive irrational fear or the content of the thoughts is actually a description of me. I wanted to try private and my GP did suggest this because of the waiting times but I don’t know if I’m in a financial situation to be able to do that on my own.
Has anyone who has taken antidepressants gotten effects like this immediately? I’m thinking it might die down and I’ll feel bad again. This makes me so upset because it’s like proving I don’t hve an issue and that hurts so much because I’ve had to deal with tormenting thoughts when I was quite young. I just didn’t know what it was until i was older. I feel like my mind plays tricks on me all the time so I don’t know if this is a product of that.
I’m sorry if this post is weird and ranty and unorganised. Please if you’ve had anything like this tell me about it